Accepting your child
Before a child is born, parents have all kinds of expectations:
r 'I'd love a sister for my little son.'
r ‘I want him to be a good soccer player.'
r 'She'd better be good at music.'
r 'I hope
he isn't hopeless like me at English.'
r 'Maybe she'll turn out to be a beauty queen.'
r 'I'd like him to be easy-going and well-behaved.'
When the child is born, the parents don't know what potential lies in that little body. It's exciting as well as a challenge to see what God-given gifts and abilities that child develops. In any one family there can be a wide range of personalities, interests and skills.
Acceptance is acknowledging the way the child is without projecting on to the child the parents' false hopes, dreams and expectations. It is allowing a child to grow up realising his or her own creative abilities without imposing any restrictions on those abilities.
A mother is showing acceptance when she is happy for her animal-loving son to work in a reptile house even though she herself has a passionate hatred of snakes. She knows that it is unfair to impose on the son her own fears and phobias.
Encouraging unique gifts
Caring parents learn to recognise their children's unique abilities and encourage them in pursuit of those abilities.
Take, for instance, the parents of a girl who is brilliant at sport. Mother and father are in no way competitive, and have little interest in sport themselves, but they go out of their way to encourage her ability so that she can achieve her full potential.
Another example is that of a son born with a natural sense of rhythm. His parents encourage his unique creativity and by the time he is four he is playing percussion in a small local orchestra.
What does acceptance result in?
r Sense of well being
r Satisfaction
r Balanced personality
r Fulfilment
r Contentment
r Achieving his/her potential
Negative aspects
There are two ways in which parents manipulate their children instead of accepting them for the way they are:
1. Imposing false expectations
'I was never a success at school so I'm determined that you'll go to university.' The parent might not make such statements outright, but he/she does so by the extreme pressure applied on the child.
The result is almost always rebellion in the teen years and beyond. It is as if the child is saying, 'I'm my own person and you're trying to make me into someone different.'
2. Suppressing unique gifts
'I'm not having my daughter prance about the stage with a bunch of cissies.' In this case the parent is denying the natural dancing ability of the girl.
The result is often an unbalanced personality and an individual who goes through life unfulfilled and with a low opinion of herself.
What is acceptance?
r Reading history books with your history-mad eight-year-old even though you think history is all old stuff.
r Sending your sweet little 10-year-old girl on a rock-climbing course because you've been told she has natural talent for the sport.
r Reading your child the same book so many times you could do it with your eyes closed.
r Telling your brainy 12-year-old that even if he was thick, he'd still be your special son.
r Putting up with chemistry experiments on the kitchen table because your budding scientist daughter can't find anywhere else to do them.
r Enjoying a practical joke for the hundredth time from your comedian son.
r Singing nursery rhymes and playing the same riding a horse game every day because your baby loves them.
r Watching Popular Music channels on TV with your teenager even though Celebrity Come Dancing is more your style.
r Going to watch your son play soccer even when you think it's boring.
r Delivering your budding child actor to rehearsals three times a week, even when it disrupts your social life.
r Spending half the afternoon repeatedly building a block tower so your demolition expert toddler can knock it down again.
r Enthusing about your budding little botanist’s efforts at enhancing your house by bringing in such wonderful creatures as beetles, grasshoppers and other strange and marvellous creepy-crawlies.
r Enjoying your children for who they are, not for what you hoped they might be.
Summary
The parent who feels frustrated about the way his or her child is turning out would do well to remember the words of the 17th century nun:
'Lord, give me strength to change the things that can be changed,
Grace to accept the things that cannot be changed,
And wisdom to know the difference.’
This article is by Roger and Christine Day. They are adult educators and therapists living and working in Romania. Look at their website:
www.therapyinromania.org.uk
or contact them on:
romaniaretreat@hotmail.com
(August 2007) (
