If you do a search on Minti you will find loads of articles about escaping domestic violence, why you should do it, how it effects your children, the psychology of breaking the cycle, and drumming home the fact that you are not alone. This is all great, but when it

Every person's situation is going to be different. Depending on whether you are living with the violent person, or just in a relationship with them; whether you own your home or are renting; whether you have friends or family that can help or not; and whether there are children involved; will all make a difference as to how you go about it. It does have to be well planned and well executed if you are going to get out without any further risks to yourself, your children, or your property. I'm going to explain how I recently did it and hope others can gather and extrapolate ideas from it to use themselves if they ever need it.

I owned my own home. Alright, the bank owned most of it, but the point is, I couldn't just leave and cancel a lease agreement and go to find somewhere else to rent. I was on a pension, so I didn't have much money. Fortunately I did have a credit card with some available credit. My house insurance had expired, and I had no contents insurance. I didn't have a vehicle. I had a 7 year old son, a cat, 2 dogs, and 2 budgies living with me. The abusive person I needed to escape from had moved in on me.

I had been needing to find a way to get rid of him for some time, but I couldn't think how. He had threatened me that if I ever kicked him out of my home, he would come back, break in while I was sleeping and kill me, burn my house down, and other such horrific threats. He made sure I never had enough money to insure the house, or escape. He would check all my phone bills, emails, phone messages, and mail. He even checked my Minti account. I couldn't even walk to the shop to get a loaf of bread without him tagging along. He would come into the doctor's surgery with me, and my psychology appointments, would escort me to and from school, and would talk to people he knew at my school to see what I'd been up to. He would even turn up at the school and come into my classroom to pass on silly little messages! I was totally trapped and I could see no way out.

However, I had patience. I slowly worked on assessing the entire situation over a period of about 6 months. I had previously put my finances in the hands of a debt consolidation company. He could not access anything to do with the money they controlled, only the money they passed back to me after my debts and bills were paid each month. When I was at school one day, I contacted them and instructed them to pay extra onto my credit card so that it would be cleared as fast as possible, which they did. I had a block put on my card and I had told him that I couldn't release it until the debt company approved of my doing so. Consequently, he believed he couldn't control that and that I couldn't access it anyway, so he let it be. I slowly started getting available finance building up if I needed it.

In a conversation about him having trouble finding work, I offered to help him sort out a resume and explore his options. In doing this I was able to coax him to show me a copy of his police record. He had been in trouble for assault and domestic violence several times previously, and he had breached his bail/bond conditions every time. Now I knew that if I kicked him out, he most likely would indeed carry out the threats he had been making.

In going to my psychology appointments, I was able to eventually coax him into going to see my psychologist in his own right. His behaviour was triggering my mental illness, and I admit, I was cruel. However, I believe that it was necessary at the time. I played the abuse card I had become all to familiar with receiving: "If you really do love and care about me, you'll go and talk to my psychologist yourself because you need to learn how to deal with me, and she can help you with that. I'm doing all I can, but I need your help as well, because I don't want to be fighting with you all the time." He started going to see her as well. This was great as over time she started sensing something wasn't right. She eventually started coaxing and finding excuses for us to see her alone without the other in tow. That opened up a door for me to at least talk to someone about it. She was also able to coax him into letting go of his grip on me a little bit. this allowed me to start getting pro-active in my escape.

I was now able to go and visit a dear female friend of mine on a regular basis without him tagging along. I was able to explain my situation to her and we laid the foundations for an escape plan. Unfortunately the plan we devised didn't quite go the way we expected, as before it could be properly executed, he started an arguement with me which resulted in him beating me into unconsciousness in front of my son. As I came to, he was leaving the house. My son phoned 000, and I talked to the police. I told them what had happened, that he had left the house, and I didn't know when he would be back and that I was terrified for my safety. They turned up within minutes.

I pressed charges and went to stay at a friend's house for the night with my son. Had I not been able to go there, I'd have happily gone to a women's shelter. That night, I phoned a number of friends all over the country. I explained what had happened and set up several emergency escape routes if I needed them. One was a dear friend who lived nearby. One was a friend who lived on the other side of the city. Two others lived in different towns in a different state, one further away than the other. The next day I was able to return home. The abuser had been arrested, he had turned himself in, and we met at my house under police escort so that he could collect some of his things. He was to collect the remaining things under police escort at a later time. When he left he took my keycard and his house keys, but in front of the police I was able to make him return them.

Once I was back at home I then got onto Minti, changed my password, and set up a private group, inviting in only those I knew and completely trusted. I needed a way to vent that he could not see. I needed to be able to talk to people, make plans, explain sensitive information, and have a place to vent and talk freely, in a way that I could reach many friends with just one post. Soon after, due to the sensitive nature of the group and the fact taht there was so many posts going into it, the group rapidly climbed the ladder of the number of posts. Within a couple of weeks the group had reached into the top positions on the groups list jsut because of the number of posts in it. Yes, we were busy. It was attracting too much attention and requests to join, so I arranged with the Administration - who knew what was going on - to have the groups existance hidden from public view.

This is when the real trouble began. He started breaching bail. I was too unwell to get to the police station to make a report at first, and then when I did try to report him for it, I hit brick walls at every attempt. At first his breaches were non-violent and rather pathetic. First it was very teary, "I'm so sorry, I really love you" nonsense. Yeah sure, if he loved me he wouldn't have hurt me like that. Then it became threatening. "If you don't drop the charges I'll do this and that" Yeah, right! He really thought I was going to drop the charges when he was still threatening me? "If you want me to drop the charges you had better start being really nice to me." I told him. So for a little while, he was really nice to me. I was not going to take him back again though. I knew if I did there would be a little honeymoon period where all would be sweet for a time, then he would just go back to being abusinve all over again. This was my chance to be free of that, I wasn't going to give that up just because he was good at pretending to be sorry or threatening me. During this time I went to a domestic violence counselling service, cleared up matters with Centrelink, and saw my doctor and psychologist as much as I needed to - which at the time was quite a bit.

Then one night, he came around with a mate of his, and no police escort, to get the rest of his stuff. Whilst there he assaulted a friend of mine for no reason other than to prove how "tough" he was - or how cowardly as the case may be, as my friend was a disabled pensioner with only one leg who, at the time, had been sitting down talking on the phone. The abuser bolted from the house. We went straight to the police and reported him for the assault.

Then came the really nasty threats. He was threatening that, if I went to the police about it he would do all manner of nasty things, causing serious harm to me and my friend. Some of the threats even hinted at killing me, but without blatently saying it. Too late, already done - but he didn't know that. I stayed at home and kept in touch with as many people that I trusted as I could, using msn and the private Minti group as my main contact methods. A week after the assault on my friend I received a phone call from the police telling me that he had been arrested for the second assault. For a moment I thought I would be safe again. Surely they were going to keep him locked up this time? No. He was going to be granted bail again. Now he knew I had reported him to the police and he was going to be free to carry out his threats. I had 12 hours before he was going to be released. It was almost midnight. He had carried out enough of his previous threats that I was not going to sit back and believe that he wouldn't do anything - I couldn't take that risk. I spent the rest of the night and the next morning preparing to run - a very long way.

I had already pre-arranged with a friend in another city that if I needed to bolt I would have somewhere to stay. I had pre-arranged for someone to take care of my house and pets while I was gone if I had to do this. I also had pre-arranged with a friend on the other side of the city that if I needed somewhere to stay for a couple of days I could stay there. I confirmed all these things that night and gave warning that I would be doing my bolt the next day. I even had my Minti account deleted and set up a new one so that I could stay on Minti but hide behind the guise of someone else, only the Administration and the friends in the private group I had set up knowing for sure who I really was. In the morning I phoned and got prices on country train tickets and departure times, as well as flights. The flight was more costly, but the train would require me to stay in town for an extra 3 days. I had previously promised my son that I would take him on a ride on an aeroplane one day, I had the money, this was my chance to get out quickly and fulfill my promise to my son in one hit. After all he had seen and gone through, I also figured it would be good for him to have something special like that go his way. Plane it was.

I went and booked our tickets for the first available flight to the city I was headed to the following day, very quickly packed a couple of bags of bare essentials: clothing, identification and important papers, a few favourite toys, toiletries, and the sort of personal items you would find in a woman's handbag. I re-directed calls from my home phone to my mobile, turned on my security alarm, and gave my house keys and alarm code to my friend. She drove me to the local train station where I caught the train to my other friend's home where I stayed the night. I also arranged for another friend to drive me to the airport in the morning, and for my friend in the other city to pick me up from the airport and give me accommodation for a week or so until I got my head together and sorted out what I was going to do.

It all went according to plan. My friend greeted me at the airport with a much needed hug and took me to his place where my son slept on the couch and I slept on a mattress on the floor. It wasn't the most comfortable, but it was sufficient and we were safe. Most importantly, we felt safe. We stayed there for a week and a half. During this time I investigated my options. I phoned around to see about what I could do in regards to selling my home, getting another loan, buying another home, renting my house out and using an equity loan to buy another house, selling my house and renting somewhere, etc. By the end of it my only realistic option was to sell my house, get a loan with another company, and buy another house. So I was going to move to the city I was staying in, as I would not be able to afford to buy a house anywhere else that I was willing to live, and I had the support of some friends in the city I was in to back me up if everything fell apart.

During this time I received one final message on my mobile from my abuser. It was a very graphic video message of a woman tied to a chair and being shot in the head execution style. I didn't have to ask anyone what that was supposed to mean. Someone had a bullet with my name on it and was threatening to use it. I showed the friend I was staying with and explained to him my need to sell my house and move. He understood the seriousness of my situation and helped me like no one has ever helped me before. He arranged for a friend of his to look after my son for a few days. He arranged with another friend to store my belongings in a shed after we returned. He then drove me back to my house in his ute to pack my things and put the house on the market. He also designated himself as my bodyguard. Ironically, he had only recently allowed his security licenses to expire, and he had been formerly trained as a bodyguard. If someone had told me a few months earlier that I would need to have a bodyguard escorting me around I would have laughed at them. From the moment we reached the city of my home, everytime I stepped outside my front door he was by my side. Everytime there was a knock at the door, he answered it. This time I appreciated not being able to go anywhere without someone beside me, as this time it was because he was genuinely protecting me, not controlling me.

When we got to my house, we parked the ute in my neighbour's yard - with their permission - to make it look like we were someone from interstate visiting them. We kept the curtains drawn and the lights off and made it look like no one was there. I packed only what I could fit in the back of the ute, everything else I took to my neighbour who garage saled it for me the following weekend. I gave her my bank account number and she just deposited the money as she got it. I gave away all my pets but one, and those I couldn't immediately find a home for went to the local animal shelter. We were able to bring back one of my dogs in the cab of the ute with us. It was a long cramped ride for the dog and I, but we did it. I cancelled my and my son's enrolments at school and collected our things, saying farewell to a few people in the process. I did manage to find a few hours to get about catching up and saying goodbye to a couple of very dear friends. I told everyone that I was going to a different city to where I was actually going, that way if he tried to follow me he would be going in the wrong direction. I phoned a real estate agent and arranged for my house to be put on the market. I explained my situation and he was more than helpful. He even arranged for the For Sale sign to be put up a couple of days early to make it look like we had already left. I phoned to get the electricity, gas, phone, internet and water turned off and the accounts closed. The real estate agent dealt with the land and water rates for me. A friend came over and helped me clean up the house and yard, and she went back the day after I left and finished the job and handed the keys to the estate agent. We drove away from the house at 2:30am under the cover of darkness.

Back in the city that was to be my new home, I had to wait for my house to sell and the settlement to go through before I could have the money for a deposit and get a loan to buy another house. During this time my son and I had to couch surf for the better part of 4 months. We stayed at friend's houses, at a hostel, and at a women's shelter, never being sure where we would be sleeping the following night. We slept in beds, on lounges, on mattresses on the floor, on beanbags, and on piles of cushions and blankets. It was very hard as it was the middle of a very cold winter and the weather was terrible, but we did it. I spent my time checking out the real estate situation, looking at available houses, and getting my new life sorted out. I enroled my son at a nearby school that was going to be easy to get to no matter where in the city we ended up staying.

I applied to the Department of Births Deaths and Marriages for a change of name. I changed my name to something totally different and unrelated. I didn't go with any family surname. I didn't even keep my first and middle name. I also changed my son's name while I was at it, giving him the same surname as me and allowing him to choose his own first and second name. As soon as our change of name certificates arrived, I methodically went about closing off everything that was in my old name and opening new accounts in my new name, with different companies whenever possible. I had my mail doing a re-direction loop with mail re-direction from Australia Post. Everything in my old name went to a friend in my old city, she parcelled it and posted it to a friend in my new city under my new name, and that friend passed it onto me no matter where I was. I had all my mail in my new name just going to my friend in my new city, as no matter where I was, he would know where I was and would pass on my mail to me. He was the only person that always knew where I was staying at any given point in time.

Everything that pertained to my old life, such as the signing off of my old house on settlement, I kept in my old name until it was all cleared and finished with. I applied for my new loan and my new house under my new name. I did the same with everything including bank accounts, insurance policies, even telephone, internet, electricity, gas, water, everything. There is now nothing left in my old name. There isn't even anything on paper to link my old name to the city I am now living in, let alone my new address. If anyone wants to kill me they are going to have to find me first. The only thing I couldn't change was my mobile phone as it was under contract. So I just gave my phone to someone else and had the contract signed over to them, and got another one in my new name.

I have since bought and moved into a new house, I have been able to replace all my furniture and other such belongings, my son has started at a new school closer to where we now live, my dog is now back living with us, and I haven't received any threats or contact from my abuser since. I'm now on a disability pension as a result of the assault, and I know that he was supposed to attend court recently, but I have not heard anything more about it. I will not drop the charges against him no matter what. If I did that, it would only make it harder for the next woman that is assaulted to be taken seriously when she makes a report.

My son and I are now free, and we are safe. I have a few very dear friends to thank for my freedom, including quite a number of Minti Mums, without whom I would not have succeeded and may not be here to write this advice today. I owe them my life, and they know who they are.