I daresay that there will be those of you who disagree with me, but let me just say that this is based on my own experience and observations and in what I know I have to deal with as a result.

I find myself worrying when I see or

In my case my mother continually turned to me for emotional support.  She would tell me about the problems in her marriage and seek my counsel.  She would ask my advice on how to discipline or deal with issues with my brother and sister.  She would look to me as one should could confide in.  And all this before the age of 13!

How on earth does a pre-pubescent child know how to cope with their own emotions, let alone those of an adult?  What sort of life experience does a child have that would allow them to be that sort of support to an adult?  As a child, you are still trying to work out how to deal with emotions - particularly strong emotions.  You are trying to find a sense of identity both as an individual and as part of a group - whether that group be in a schoolroom or a family.  You're still learning how the world works and what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't it.  You're still trying to form values and morals and sort out what ideals you can live up to, and which only work in theory. 

I have seen children forced - either by their parent's abandonment or illness or just plain negligence - to become the caretaker of their family.  This sort of situation prevents a child from exploring who they are and learning how to deal with life.  The usual phrase in this situation is to say that a child had to "grow up quickly".  I would argue that they don't get the chance to grow up.  They have to take on the responsibilities of an adult and have to fudge it so as to maintain their sanity.  But when they reach adulthood - the time when they should be "grown up" - that is often when the cracks show.   They haven't had their chance to grow up emotionally and to deal with all those issues of boundaries and identity and appropriate ways of dealing with emotions as a child.  So it hits them like a brick wall when they're an adult.

My plea is not to force kids to be adults.  I truly believe the job of a parent is to guide their child through the journey of childhood and adolescence and prepare them for adulthood.  But adulthood doesn't start at 10.  Or 12.  Or even 15.  And some kids need even longer than the mandated age of 18 to be truly prepared for adulthood.

Now I'm not saying that kids shouldn't learn to do the dishes, or cook, or take responsibility for chores or pay board once they start working.  I actually believe that children should be taught all those things.  It's part of the preparation for adulthood.  But no child should be expected to take on the role of a parent - especially before its even physically possible for them to become one.

If you are someone who recognises that they have unfairly burdened their children, can I just suggest that first of all you go to your children and tell them what you've realised, apologise for it, and promise not to burden them again.  Then go and seek some support for yourself that is more appropriate.  It may be your partner, other adult friends, a counsellor, maybe even just Minti!

But please don't put a burden on your kids that will scar them long after you may be gone.