great advice i hope everyone reads this

i was sexualy abused as a child, it left me mentaly scarred and rather violent this led to me drinking my depression away after my kids were born. i became both verbally and physicaly abusive to the love of my life.

i know what i did was wrong and i can never take back the pain i caused her, but she has forgiven me and i have been sober for over a week now.

I was abused by my foster care brother and my own father, my father is near death and ive been torn. I can never forgive him for what he has done but i can accept he is a different person now

Well written Emz, I agree that forgiveness is not essential to the moving on process, but often it is a part of the journey of moving on and it comes at different times for each of us depending on how we do with getting past the hurt we have had to deal with. 
About a month ago E decided to forgive her father for whatever it was that put her off him in the first place.  She understands that by forgiving him she is not required to like him or want to see him/spend time with him.  But she needed to essentially forget about him, and by forgiving him she has let go of that resentment towards him that was holding her back.  It took her three years to achieve, and there is still a distance to go before she will be happy to spend time with him - if that is what they ever want to do.  My thought is that at least now she does not feel ill each time the thought of him pops into her head.  Now he is just any old person that she knows.  There is no hold over her any more hurting her and possibly ruining her life (something that I had worried might happen if she harboured a deep resentment of him into the future - but equally something that I could do nothing about until she was ready) she is now free and it shows.
Peace
EF.x

hey emz, this advice hit home with me. I was abused by my father for a long time. It took me a long time to realize that what he had done wasnt my fault and it has now been 7 yrs coming that i have had nothing to do with this man that was once called my father. He striped me of what should have been a happy childhood. Something that i try to come to terms with everyday. I dont forgive him and i never will. I know that sounds bitter but how can i forgive a man that took so much away from me that i will NEVER get back. ???He also took being a grandfather away from my children,something they wont ever know,as they will never experience having a grandfather. I wont let that man near my children which has been a hard thing to have my kids understand,the understanding has had to come with age.

ohhh so much to tell!!! But i thank you for your advice as i thought i was wrong for never wanting to forgive .....

love na xxx

 hello emmie, i myself was abused when i was younger, so understand your pain. i forgot about it all, until i had my son, then it all came flooding back. i was a total wreck, but i got counseling, which helped a lot,as it allowed me to express my anger, aswell as letting me know i wasn't to blame, which was a hugh relief, as i felt it was my fault. As i became older i realised that i had anger issues, and was very defensive towards people, quick to fight and argue for my rights. through the counseling, i came to understand that it was because i was still carrying around that abuse with me everyday, everything that people did to me that hurt seemed like the abuse all over again. i couldn,t live like that anymore, but didn't know what to do until someone told me i had to forgive my abuser, WHAT! FORGIVE! Yeah, forgive, it doesn't mean that you let that person of the hook, far from it, but you let go of that ball of destructive energy that you've kept inside because it will poison you, and cause you to become ill. it will limit you're life and stop you from reaching your goals. you didn't deserve that abuse, you father is a sick man and may have been abused himself, don't allow him to still have control over you, and he does when you don't forgive. abuse is about power, and he still has the power over you, because he's still affecting you even though you've moved miles away. that unforgiveness will cause you to continue to feel pain and anger and him. forgiveness is for your peace of mind, for your wellbeing. it hurts more i know that nobody believed you, but i believe that you are a strong courageous woman and that if you will take the focus and energy of off them and start loving and taking care of youself, you'll find that you will be able to let it go. also pray and ask god to help you to forgive, but waht you need to know, is that YOU choose whether to forgive or not. sometimes we don't know how to, but if you really want to start living free from abuse, start searching how to forgive. i promise you, you will not be the same, then you will be able to help others through their hurts and pains. good luck with starting to invest all your energy into yourself to  become a beautiful woman. that would be the greatest revenge on them. XXXXX from loren

I can feel your hurt and your pain.  I share some of it with you.  My abuser was never called on it and to this day he wants every thing to be as if nothing ever happened.  I can't.  God has forgiven me but I can't seem to do it and mean it.  I would love for it to have not happened and I would have to carry the baggage around all of these years (about 40) and through 4 marriages because I had to leave when I didn't feel that they loved me.  Herein lies the problem.  I am emotionally scarred by what happened and through the unconditional love of one lady do I even see hope of a "normal" relationship.  I  pray for a miracle every day and hope for one even more often but it hasn't happened yet.  I am so tired of dragging this issue behind me.  I would appreciate any words of wisdom of "HOW TO" by someone who has been there.  Good luck and God bless us all.

Wow this has open up my eyes... Now I believe I can finally tell some1..

Thanks

Well he definitely DID NOT destroy you! You sound like a fiercely strong and independent woman who has risen above the cruel blow she was dealt. More power to you - like a beautiful Phoenix arising from the ashes of what was - you are so deserving of all the BEAUTIFUL things this life has to offer, and it sounds like you have been blessd with the love and support you have always deserved.

God Bless You and Your Family

Well done Emz.  I commend you for being able to talk about what has happened to you and I don't blame you in the least for not forgiving.  I don't think he deserves your forgiveness.  Very nicely written.

HI Emmie, well done you for sharing. I cannot begin to imagine what life was like for you and others who have faced similar ordeals. I also would never presume to tell anyone to forgive such evil acts of toture. I do often wonder though if the preassure by those who have not walked your path, to tell you all to seek to forgive, comes as a way to salve societies conscience. Just a thought.

Luv,Winnie.xxxx

I was abused but not by my dad or even stepdad it was by a person i thought was my friend and ever since that night i havent been able to go back to Umpiring i havent forgivven him and i didnt tell ne1 for bout a year.

I dont think i could feel the pain u do Emmie But i agree with you i Probably could ever Forgive him.

hey emmie, totally understand how you feel, i too was sexually abused and will never forgive my stepfather (he is still alive, but to be honest cannot wait til he dies as i know he will go to hell) but yeah i will never ever forgive what he has done, no one can, angel blessings to you and your family darl

After 30 years my so called dad still can't see why I hate him so much.

I have considered forgiving my step father but he has only been dead for 36 years.

Wow Emmie, I am so sorry that you had to endure all that pain. I was sexually abused by my grandmother's brother when I was just a young girl. When I was finally able to break down and tell my mother what happened, she pulled the car over to the side of the road and cried with me. It was such a weight lifted off my shoulders just talking about it, but it didn't solve the issue of him abusing me. My mother asked me not to say anything to my grandmother, she was worried what it would do to her. I became a difficult teenager because I felt betrayed and hurt, one day my grandmother said something very mean to me and well my mouth opened and I spewed out that her brother had abused me. She didn't say a word, she just turned around and walked away. Later I found out she had written to him about what I told her, and denied everything, to the day he died he said he didn't do anything.

Before he died, my grandmother told me he was dying of lung cancer, all I could say was I'm sorry for you. In a way, I did find some forgiveness for him, because I knew that he was dying of a really bad illness, and deep down in side me, I was laughing at him, because he was dying and was going to have to answer to a higher power for what he did to me.

Thank you for sharing Emmie, it is all part of learning how to heal and move on with your life, knowing that you are a better person, and knowing that you know the correct way to love those around you, with a hug and not a fist. You go girl!!!

Wow Emmie, you have come such a long way, since i first meet you. I'm so proud of you, my dear friend....well done.

Love (Mum) Janice xxxxx

thanks for sharing that with us em . and you can never forgive .. as you know what i went through and my parents dont believe me he gets everything his way

chat too you soon

love bel xx

Wow Emz, I am so proud of you for writing this! It must have been hard & I know some people won't agree with you but I do - to forgive would be like saying it was ok to do what was done to you! I have not been abused as such, but I watched my mum get beaten every single day & myself get in trouble for everything my little brother did wrong (from his father) & I will never forgive or forget. But he has gotten some of his own back in a way - he has a wife that will hit back if he does hit her, he has depression (which started when he was a cop - yes a cop did this), and is slightly incontinent! The world has it's ways!

Mwah

Teshia xxoo

Beautifully written sweetie.  I don't need to say how I feel because you already know I agree with you on this subject.   You know the hardest things for a lot of victims is that the person who did these things to them don't get punished and that is what really makes me angry because the victim is left with the scars for life and what people don't realise is how much this has an effect on them. 

love Maria xxxxxxxxxx

Great article Emz, straight from the heart!

I think there is a distinction between acceptance (to move on) and forgiveness. After enduring something like this I do not blame you for not forgiving... karma will come their way I am sure. I know it is hard, but try not to ask why.. I am sure in most cases it comes down to power... because he could!  I am just so pleased you got out of it alive and well!

Thanks for sharing, it could not have been easy!

Lorna x

You know what Emz..........no-one can tell another person how to heal or how to move on with their life. You have been hurt terribly in the past and it's your choice not to forgive. Some people need to forgive either themselves for not being able to do anything about it, a parent for not stopping it or the abuser for doing it in able to move on..........some people just deal with it and move on....end of story. We all different and deal with things in our own way. you have a way that works for you and that's all that matters.

Big hugs to you and your beautiful girls.......

P.S. Where's the photos from the beach.....I'm dying to see some sun and surf........

Amanda xxxxx

i will never forgive either as in my way forgivness is a pardon for what they have done to me and have gotten away with ,, with me saying i forgive you will be just another thing they will be able to sleep at night with ,, it wont change the fact with what was also done to me as an innocent child either ,,

what works for some dosent work for others and its not always as simple as saying mum dad i forgive you for all the abuse that you have put me through from the day i was born , that wont take my pain away but will help them , not eveyone deserves to be forgived

in turn i will have a great life as best as i can and love and protect my children from monsters like that

wow emmie,

i am so sorry for all the pain and emotions that you have had to go through, like i have said forgiveness is a very strong word and not to be used unless you really believe you are able to,  if anything like this had ever happened to me or someone close to me i wouldn't let them cause i feel by doing that you are telling the person that you are ok with what they have done to you, when you are NOT.  

thank you for sharing your story with us i know that must have been hard to write, if i had a magic wand i would heal your pain, but i don't so the next best think that i can do for you is give you a really big hug

hugs and kisses