Now as a lot of my friends here know I am a 31 year old girl, married 8 years with 2 kids. As a Mum we all know it isn't easy being a mum, if it was there would be no Minti.... Now I have had my share of a
bad up bringing and Yeah I will give my Mum credit where credit is due and we never were without anything important (except the love part, she forgot that bit) So Here is My story of how I have become to realise it has been here most of my life and now I am going to either beat it or learn to deal with it.
My first memory as a child is my sister being there and me not getting any attention. Which I have found is a normal thing. I then became a Mother figure to my sister as (I know know her to have PND) my Mum sat around doing nothing but entertaining her Male friends. I would have to at 5 take a new born up a flight of stairs and keep her up in our room. These are memories coming back. This happened a lot and I remember one day again at 5 feeling like I didnt want to be here so I got out a steak Knife and Sliced my hand open. I remember I looked about to see what excuse I could make an cut up an orange and ran to Mum crying "I cut my hand" she said "clean it up and it will be fine" After this I remember being at my grandmother and Grandad's a lot. As a result to this I am very close to my Aunty who is more a sister to me than an Aunty and she feels the same. Soon after we moved as the housing estate we were living with offered Mum to buy her own place at a very low Single Mothers price.
From as long as I can remember I was teased at school, yet I was still a popular girl. (I am still friends with a girl from year 1) Where I grew up was family orientated (which is why I think Mum chose there as well as to being as far out of the Metro area as Dad had a court order on her to stay in Sydney) and didnt like the Single Mother's coming in. (My Mum is what you call a Husband stealer. She has broken up so many marrages it isnt funny) On top of the stress of just joining a new school, my Dad got call a child Molester (which he isnt) so I had to have supervised visits with him on weekends. I ADORE my Dad I wish I was born in today's time as the courts would of given him custody not Mum. The only time I have ever felt safe was with Dad and up until I met Patrick he was the only thing that stopped me giving into the voice in my head to do myself in. Even now he is still there.
When I hit year 4 The abuse from Mum had simmered down somewhat as she had found a partner. But the next 3-4 years were going to be really hard and BAD. I started Dislocated my Knee in Year 4. Year 5 My Uncle got a brain tumor and died very quickly (6 months). Year 6 My Best Friend died from Muscular Distrophy and Mum told me in the middle of the shopping center. I still remember exactly what she said. "Oh BTW Patrick died last night you are going to the funeral in Albany next weekend" Like excuse me. couldnt she do it at home. I cryed so much it was not funny. The beinging of year 7 My Grandad took ill and went to hospital and died there. 11/1 72nd Birthday, 16/1 died, 21/1 cremated. Then to top it off a family friend was out with a mate and said "hey gotta go outsode and get fresh air" he never came back. His mate went out to find him 30 mins later and found him on the floor, blood clot in the brain. One good thing came from that and that is he save and made better 7 peoples lives not to mention their families. 4 deaths in 4 years.
I got teased so much in year 6 & 7 that the voices in my head started. I had started another new school as the estate that we lived in was big enough for a new school. No Girls like me and I fitted in with the Boys so at 11 I was called a "S**T" All my Male friends stood up for me but.
High school was not a great time my self esteem was extremely low and this is when the voices got so loud I had to have constant noise to damper them. I started to listen to heavy rock and Alternative music like Nirvana and silverchair (yes was a fan from the first time I heard "tomorrow" on Triple J) and Metallica ect.. I spent a lot of time at my Dad's for a while on weekends. After 6 months Mum banned me from seeing Dad so often so I had to stay home. I had to be home within 15 mins of school ending and had to clean and cook all the time (thus now struggle doing it) My knee's got worse and she would dislocate them to be sure I knew she was BOSS. On top of this I got my periods and by golly gosh did it suck. White as a ghost and in so much pain. I hated it and them and the suicide attemps started. I had a few good friends but no one to tell this to, so I started writing and I dont show it to any one. Patrick has seen a few and didnt like them, to dark he said.
I felt like I was a piece of S**t and worthless (still do to be honest) My Mother blamed me for her break up with her partner cause I didnt like him. I dont like men, I dont know why but I feel ill when I am around them and that scars me to bits. So far there has only been 4 that have made me feel ok to be around. I was even afraid of my grandad who passed away and my uncle. I had to stay home was not allowed out at all and if dinner wasnt done every night i would cope them emotional abuse. your worthless, s**t, a SL*T, a failure like your Father. ect... Every night I used to pray that I would die. One day I even took a whole pack of her Panamax but put it back incase it failed and I would cop a beltin.
By 16 I was ready to go and wanted to so badly. The ups were great but the downs were awful. 14 I had had an op on my knee to fix it and was made to walk to school with my full leg in plaster. it was so painful and at 16-17 when I had the other 2 I just refused to go to school which was worse than going to school. I had to keep the house spotless and she was a SAHM she would sit in front of the TV and watch "days of our lives" and that BS. After being kicked out at 17 I moved in with dad and I felt a bit less stressed, but was still having these HIGHS and massive LOWS, so I was doing an art degree. I did a few bad things that year and I do regret doing them but I dont remember making the decision to do it. My self esteem has completely gone by then as I had been date raped by 2 different Boyfriends. They didnt see it as that. Then after a day a praying for a reason to to do myself in Patrick walked in to my Art court yard, we hit it off and well you can guess that bit. My highs and Lows were still there I just covered them better like I always have had to, but finding out I was about to have a baby was that hardest cause I now have no right to take my life as my baby needs me.
All through my pregnancy with Michael all I did was sleep. I think it was my body's was to keep me from harming me and Michael. But when he was born that was bad. ( you can read about that
here) But when I was awake and with people I felt ok. I got diagnosed with PND and put on Zoloft, this lasted a month and I thought whatever and stopped taking them Patrick lost his job and I had my rock there so the Highs and Lows continued. I gained a lot of weight, I got to a size 18-20 (I am normally a 12-14) I fell prgnant with Sandy and was petrified that i would go like I did with Michael. I didnt want to touch him at all so I was so scared to have another baby. the LOW kicked in really bad but I managed to cope. Her birth was tramatic but I coped. My cousin/next door neightbour had just miscarried and I felt awful that I could have a baby and she lost hers so the low go worse but she was so Happy to meet Sandy so I got better. She would help a lot with her and Patrick had a great job where I could walk to if I wanted to see him, He had perminate leave if needed cause his supervisors wife had PND and didnt want me to do anything silly. so it wasnt so bad with her.
Sandy turned 1 and it all fell apart, I fell apart. I saw my doc he put me on lexapro and I took that for 7 months I felt ok and the script ran out and I stoped taking it. a few months later I became confind to the house I could go out couldnt see people. didnt want to live. I think it was my whole life and secrets of what i did coming up to bite me. (Patrick never new about the date rapes nor the cutting which I still do. I think he had an idea some days cause you cant get a cut where i did most of the time)
One day while we were out last year I lost the plot completely. I had tryed to hide these massive lows and I guess my body developed this paranioa of outside and Anxiety cause of that. Patrick made me go and see a female doc at the centre we go to and she put me on xanax and lovan and told me to see a clinical phyc. I waited 4 months to see Lidia but by gosh she helped a lot. I can go out sode. I have come to terms with my server depression and even see a phyc every month who has put me on edronax, epillin and a sleeper to stop the voices. I still hurt myself (i dont tell people about it when I do but, Patrick knows I will add that bit) It is away for me to not go over board and OD like I have tried in the past.
I am coping day by day with this awful thing that I wouldnt even wish on my worst enemy.
I hate the feeling of feeling like your life isnt worth a thing, that people would be better off if you were not around. But I also hate the highs as well. All I want is to be Normal. But what is Normal???????? I just want to wake up in the morning and say yay a new day I can be with the 3 people who mean the whole world to me.
