continueing as best as my locked up memories will allow me to
i remember all the abuse from living in the new house , mine and what my sister went though
i remember being called by the name Bastard all the time that was my name and 
it was a name that will stay with me till the day i left them
i did not exist by any other name But by Bastard and i had to run to them everytime they called me by that name
I remember now living in the north shore nice house nice street
parents having several cars and now a boat to add to their collection of material possesions
I also remember that we had firearms one behind the frount door and one behind the back door
bea bea ones and also dart ones ,,
i remember my father making us a bed up high out of steal so our wardrobes will fit under it three of us girls shared one room ,,we where so close to the cealing that we could only just sit up in bed but could do anymore than that as we touched the roof with the tip of our heads.
I also remember my father just cause he felt like it pulling me out of bed by my feet as i slept and me falling on the floor ,, the beds where way up high so i got bruised every time ,, he got alot of enjoyent out of doing this .
as he also got from telling my sister she was fat and useless ,, and throwing cold water onto her to get her out of bed .
i remember the awuful time we where all made to go fishing with him way out in the heads at sea
a place that after driving the boat for many hours you couldnt see land and haing two ancers just to throw over board just so the boat will have more ballance ,, i remember seeing the oil tankers and the waves being so high it scared the life out of me ,,
i remember being there from early morning till later as it was getting dark
but one thing that really stands out in my mind as well as my sister was knowning there where sharks in the water and my dad getting exctied as my mother was also at seeing them and pointing them out to all of us that frightened us soo much more
i remember that look in his eye as he threw us all over board into the shark infested water and driving the boat away from us while they both laughed and yelled out swim you bastards or the sharks are going to eat you ,
i remember being soo scared and alone as the waves where huge also water going over our heads as be bobbled up and down in the water taking in water as we where trying to get back to the boat ,, none of us where strong swimmers ,, but funny enough he did have life jackets on us .
I remember the sence of feeling i want to die and i want it to be quick ,,why do they do this too us
we all made it back to the boat i honestly dont know how as we did see the sharks in the water
it was only years later that the life jacket issue played on my mind
he did want us to get ripped apart from sharks and having the life jackets on was a way in him playing it safe
as if the sharks did indeed get us the finger wouldnt be pointed at them
after all we had life jackets on ,, i could only guess that if all his dreams came true he would of gotten away with this and could of said we all fell overborard as the seas rough etc,,,
now i could see a pattern of all the abuse
it was now i could see that all the things he did to us was that he was very carefuly trying to get rid of us but didnt want it traced back to him
remembering back at the drop offs at differnt locations and my sister trying to get us home
remembering the magget infestered food ( was he trying to give us food poision and make it look all innocent)
putting me up a tree and having my sister there was that so it looked as if i had climbed up and fell off and hit my head ,
i remember my sister telling me that shes trying to look for help for us to get out of that house and far away from them ,, but no one wanted to get involved or even listen to any of us she felt helpless , she even went to the police but since my father was great friends with them nothing ever came about it ,, she also went to our family doctor crying for help but he also said just go home i wont tell your parents that you where ever here and he also chose to ignore this ,
I remember just washing the dishes and my father came up behind me many times and bashed me just cause he felt like it
this was happening every day .
i remember loosing my footing as he hit my head ( blackout) only waking up with him kicking my back over and over again cause he felt like he wanted to do it
we / i was a good child
we grew up with these words speak only when spoken to
children are to be seen and not herd
vilolence is the only awnser
i would not carry on the family name so i was the bastard of the family and that they hated me i was usless
when ever they took us to any of their friends house we where all put in the yard and wasnt allowed inside these peoples houses and we where told that if we where offered a drink or food we where to say no to three offeres and the 4th time and only then where we allowed to say yes please .. at times this could take hours as we all said no thankyou to their friends as hot and thirsty as we where . we all drank secertly from the tap or hose outside
we where told by all their friends that we where model children and never gave anyone trouble
if only they knew why ,, we where so scared even to use the bathroom at night in our house because my father woke up and had the firearm in his hand , he had very sharp ears and could hear whipsers from miles away
thats another reason why as children even know there where 5 of us ,, we never even bonded together out of fear we didnt know even how to
part 3
(August 2007) (
