When it's ok not to forgive part4

Theres are my memories

I remember my so calledmother dressing me infrount of the gass heater that was in the wall and i had no idea as to why she pushed me onto it ,,, in turn i had burnt my butt cheak real bad the pain was something that i cant even explain as i was still very young

i dont remember her putting ice on it or anything but being mad and making me put all my clothes on and ignoring me

I remember the pain i had felt that night while trying to sleep  and the next moring as i was trying to get ready for school how this burn was stuck on my undies ,, what i also do remember was that they where that stuck that i got into trouble for crying about it and my father ripping them off me and getting angry cause i was in pain ,and it started to bleed and weep alot but nothing was put onto it to help ease the pain , i remember the whole butt cheek being swollen and burnt ..

I remeber one day she took me to watch a movie with her ( i have no idea what it was )

we went and got the tickets and stood at the counter looking at all the yummy food

she turned to me and said would you like an ice-cream or a drink but also she said that she was sooo poor that she would have to scrounge arround for change to have to pay for this

as a child feeling sorry for those words she said ,, i said no thankyou

but in turn she had got herself an icecream and a drink etc,,

i just remember being in the dark in the movies crying real soft the whole time and not understanding how she could be so cruel ,,

I also remember my six grade camp i was allowed to go to that , omg i thought i can get away for a few days

thinking that i will finally get new undewear that wasnt with pins to hold them up and maybe something new to wear for the dance at the camp also got me very excited

that didn't  happen ,, my small bag was packed with my best corderoy brown and blue pants( they had holes in it )

one jumper that was also faded and stanined and those hand me down undies

I never got any new ones but sometimes for xmas santa would bring me a couple of new ones that no body else had worn,,

I remember being thankful for this ,,

I remember being laughed at... at the school camp as I  looked like i had come out of the gutter in  my very old worn out clothing ...i had to wear the same thing every day ,,,

But I was still away for a few days from all the abuse and that ment more to me in the end ,, none of my school friends ever knew the nightmeres i had been hiding

what i think hurt me the most was that my first boyfriend just got himself a moterbike and his licence and us

arangingto meet after school

he never met me at the spot we where going to meet up ,, so i went back to the hell hole that was home

I remember the chilling phone call that i got from his mother

she told me that he was in hospital on life support and that  he told her he needs me to be there and telling the monsters that i lived with that i had to go to the hospital that a friend was comming to pick me up

i remember the shock of it all and how i went to rush out the door to go to him when the monsters had stopped me and told me that i wasnt going anywhere and locked me in my room ...

I never got to say goodbye and be there for him,, ( out of all the bad things that had happened to me this was the worst one ever that still haunts me now ,, I would have to say that this was my motervation to get out and my wake up call

I looked for a full time job after school and even took days off school to get one i was also looking for somewhere to live as well

no one was going to help me or listen I knew this I had to do and do alone

I also Remember that I was working part time in a deli after school and all weekends saving up money so i could be out of the hell  hole that I lived in .I remember One of my sisters comming into my work crying because the sperm doner had kicked the chair out from under her and was laying punches into her ,, why cause he just felt like it ,, I gave her all my saved up money and told her to go to her friends house and never look back ..i told my boss at the time that i had been looking for a full time job and i got one but for him not to tell a single sole and that i had also found myself a place to stay but since i had given my sister my last cent to my name if he could please give me a loan a small one that i will hounour and pay him back asap ,, he did in turn trust me enough to lend me some money ,,,

I was almost 15 at the time

reflecting back to my back just before i walked out of that hell hole

I remember as a young girl till my teen years having back pains

I Remember being in Primery schoool when everyone was told to run for sport how much my back ached and my feet used to have bad cramps and telling my parents and teachers only to be told that it hurt cause i was unfit .

I remember having these back aches at an early age and I didnt know why ( It never crossed my mind that it was from the abuse )

I remember joining the gym class at high school and any little thing that I did sent soaring pain thoughout my body

I never wanted to tell anybody about it as i just wanted to be like a normal girl doing cartwheels and backflips

i remember when i used to do them i could never go back into the flip straight my body just wouldnt let me I always ended up turning to my left side no matter how much I had practiced ( I didnt know what my back even looked like back then but i only felt the pain)

I remember my so called mother actualy taking me to the family doctor once to see why my spine hurt so much

and the doctors putting the dye through my body and giving me an x-ray only to say I must be lieing because my kidneys are fine

they never once checked my spine .

I also remember my brother in law shocking look on his face when he was the first one that took any notice that my back wasnt straight

I remember him telling my parents and showing them my back and them just refusing to see it and they ignored it ( why i know now its cause they did this to me )

I remember him pushing this issue on my spine as it wasnt straight ..

I went to a back specialist finally only because of my brother in laws constant pestering to my so called parents

I remember the x-rays and going though the exam with the specialist and him sitting me down and asking me if i have been abused

I told him a little not sure if i could trust him either 100% as i was scared that it will get back to my father and in turn he will then hit me again

I remember him talking to her carefully asking her if theres any history of this in the family and he also checked hers to tell her that her backs straight and if this was a hereditary she would have this ( she didnt )..I remember him telling me they he would operate on my spine but i would have to be in bed for a year ,, traction for 6 months in hospital

and after a year i would have to learn to crawl before i could learn to walk again .. that something should be done about this before it gets any worse as the degrees of my spine where already that bad , ( i had a double curve ,,55 deg to the left then a twist with 45 degrees to the right

and that it was already starting to crush my heart and lungs , this was going to be the one that will shorten my life span as it twists it pulls the ribs down on one side ,,

I also remember my mother telling him no operations , and never bringing up my back pain again as she just wasnt intrested

I also remember the blank look on her face and saying goodbye to the doc and her saying to me that the specialist said I was fine and that is the end of this story ..

I remember being back at home in our kitchen while my father was out the back yard and i was whispering to her that i want my back to be normal and see i was never making this up and how now i have proof that her husband did this to me ,,she was ignoring me

I rememeber my father I dont know how but he herd my whispers ,, he came running in from outside and grabbed his firarm and held it right to my head and said no one disrespects my wife ...

I remember for the first time ever that my brother came out of nowhere and grabbed the G u n  out of my fathers hand and me running like the wind out the back door and jumping over a 6 foot fence

running the next street away to my friends house and hiding there ,,

i remember him calling them up and was also told by my friends that he called them up too telling them that he was going to s  h o ot   me

my friends mother just told me to stay there ,, we where looking out the window behind the curtain and i could see his truck right out in frount of her place with his g u n out the window

i knew then i could never go back home ..

I stayed with her the night and she went to check if my so called father truck wasnt parked out the frount of the hell hole

I had gotten the papers from the school for my so called mother to sign me out of high school

I went there in the morning ,, she signed the papers ,,,never asked if I was ok but she had then told me that nothing in this house is mine to take but the clothes that I had got  myself when I was working and she told me once out the door to never come back ,,

Iwalked down the road to my high school with a milk create with my whole life in it ,,and  signed myself out of school ..

I had a full time job and a place to live

i remember feeling free

I rented a room in a 5 beroom house .

it wasnt much the room was hot and very small but i didnt have anything to even put in the room and i was free so i didnt care

I found a matress out on the street and took it down the road to what was going to be my home ..I had one sheet to my name but i was free

they never spoke of me or even looked for me ,,

I do remember the lady across the road from the monsters comming to my frount door ( i have no idea how she found me but she did )

she brang me a pillow a few cups and plates and pots a a blanket ( thats the lady that one of my sisters used to hide out at her place from the monsters ) she had never said anything about our abuse but i do remember her telling us that if we ever needed to get away that her door was always open for us ,, I dont know why i guess it was too close to home but i never took her up on that ...

she is still close as far as I know with one of my sisters ...as i am with her daughter ..

these memories are mine and also are just the very shory version of how i grew up,, theres soo muchmore but it would be a movie to write it all down and some things i still cant talk about

I had all sorts of things thrown into my face as a young teen that i could of easly turned to

I never stole things to survive or took any form of drugs to deal with the nightmeres and pain

I could of easly turned out anyway and blamed it on my upbringing but i didnt

My nighmeres are not as much but my spine is a constant remeinder of what they did to me

and now also may jaw as the dentist has asked me is I have been hit in my face because its off line

this is something one of my sisters and I both deal with as we both have our jaws out of place i dont know if anyothers have this as its never been spoken about ,, her dentist also said the exact same thing to her that she had to of had a huge blow to her jaw to be out of line like this ,,

I  do have a few issues that i have to deal with everyday like trust and love ( loosing my first child as well as my best friend and my very first boyfriend) and  my spinal  damage

I know how to love its just hard to know if its genuine if its given to me as i have had many more let down on my journey 's though life ;

i would love to be able to realy on my partner but i havnt been able to give in to that as rejection scares me a great deal and i would rather do things myself rather than the thought of being rejected or hurt ..

But i havnt given up

I never had the propper guidence as a child to know whats right and wrong it was something that I just knew

i did at the age of 30 talk to my mother and tell her everything that i had bottled up all my life and also stuck up for my sisters

she is still in denyal about alot of things ,, she was also abused my him or she could do was laugh and ammit that i was called B#$$$## ard and if she thought that she was a good mother ,,I just ended up hanging up on her and have never spoken to her again

theres no point in trying to get blood out of a stone ,,

but its no excuse i will not  excuse her for leaving us there everytime she had a fight with him and left home and left us there to take more of his abuse and blameing  us for her running away from him ,

and for her to have that type of controll over us by making us soo scared to even say anything to her because she would inturn tell him and we would cop the abuse ( she played with our minds alot ) she never physically abused us but she mentally abused us every day .

If anyone is going thought this physical or mental or have been thought this

cutt them out of your life as still having the contact of the abusers ...If they are still playing mind games and abusing you in any form

theres no point in making them amit to their wrong doings as they are very sick people and you might not get the sorry we did this to you or your right etc,, that we are looking for ,, and inturn they are still controlling you and the abuse is still ongoing ..

this is some of my story and why i say WHEN ITS OK NOT TO forgive

the very best thing you can do for yourself is look at what you have right now

if you have your own loving family that you have created then love it with all you can and make it your family

not the ones that are still trying to abuse you ,, dont let  the past be your pressent and your future as you are in contoll of that

there are lots of people now days that will listen and help you get out of the situation that you are in right now

it just takes the first step to start the rest of your life that you Truely  deserve  a happy and great life

make it a happy one for yourself and if you have family make it a good life for them all together

some people can forgive as we all have our own stories

and  there are others like me that can neither forgive or forget totally

I dont dwell on this everyday of my life as now its my life and i will create my own destiny and my happy moments

Ive never had a problem with loving my children whatsoever

and Im no super woman i do have some days whereI feel Bad  about it all ,(those are my private moments when im alone )

 I have moved on and now have my own family

My children are protected , nurtured ,and told that they are loved and wanted ..

I no longer have any abuse from them cause I choose not to listen , with that I am free

to me they never existed and I have no contact at all

they still try though other family members to get at me ,,,I  choose not to listen

I am A surviver because I choose to be one