A good tip I learnt from Dr Phil on dealing with Tantrums!

My 5 year old daughter has a bad temper. I always tell my husband that she is lucky that she is cute, because there are just days when I cannot face another tantrum or outburst. When she has bad days, and when I know that a tantrum or a big whiney day is at hand, I feel this intense physical dread to face the day ahead.

If you have one of those daughters/kids, you will know what I mean. Sometimes, I actually find that it is immensely hard to retain my cool and composure. I used to deal with these moments in the following ways:

(1) I cajoled her into being "nice to mummy".

(2) I promised her treats and outings if she would calm down.

(3) I gave her stars on her "star reward chart" or removed stars from the same chart if she carried on.

(4) I gave her long cuddles until she calmed down. OR

(4) I would throw a tantrum myself! I would tell my husband to handle her when I couldn't handle it anymore.

My friend had the same problem with her daughter. Her daughter would often throw tantrums, kick her legs, scream her lungs out and then when her mother's nerves were suffciently jangled, she would go back to being normal and charming. It was my friend who told me to try this "Dr Phil Method":

When our children feel like getting angry or throwing a tantrum, we tell them, "I understand that you are angry. Why don't you go into your room and get angry or have a cry. When you are calm, come back out here so that we can talk about why you were angry."

I felt very comfortable with this suggestion because one of the first things that I learnt at our Montessori playgroup is that there is no such thing as the wrong behaviour in very young children. The ways in which children express themselves, such as laughing outloud, crying, getting angry and expressing their frustration, speaking loudly, shouting, etc are what we (as humans) do.  We just have to show them that it's the time and the place that may not be appropriate for those behaviour. For example, a children can laugh and speak loudly in the park, but not in a library.  Hence, if we can appreciate that our kids are just as entitled to being angry or expressing their anger as us, we may not feel that these tantrums (where they are genuine... not used to manipulate) are naughty behaviour.

I tried the Dr Phil method on my daughter and I was quite pleased that it really works!  My daughter still throws tantrums - sometimes, she does it merely for the attention and not because she has any real frustrations to express. The Dr Phil method quickly settles that. I now ask her to go to a quiet spot to throw a tantrum. If there is no genuine tantrum, she quickly switches off tantrum mode and switches on her normal mode (she does not want to leave the room where the action is, and learns that a tantrum does not turn the attention on her).  She has gone into her room to genuinely throw a tantrum once. When she came out, she was weepy but willing to communicate.

Thanks Dr Phil!!