For any mom reading this advice, first off I send you a hug in recognition for the frustration you are no doubt feeling. In addition, another hug, with the knowledge you are no doubt doing the best you can, with what you know.
We live in a world 
today where there are so many stressors in our extended families, our family and in the outside world. So I offer first and foremost that if you are at your wits end.....Then turn your negative behavior towards yourself, into a positive measure of change. When YOU STOP and Take Care of Yourself, and Your Needs, then you will have more love and patience to deal with your child during difficult times of tantrums. This is not selfish, this is self-caring, because if you don't take care of yourself, how can you meet all the needs of family and work...
Just my opinion, but I think your daughter is crying out for help aggressively because being good might not be getting the results she wants, so she goes into over drive with demands, and unsafe behaviors. Kids really want to please, kids really do want to help us *mainly when little, and they do want to be good, their acting out is due to an inability to process emotions, or due to lack of words to express their needs appropriately, leading to frustration and then the tantrum, or aggressive behavior. As the mom of a very high spirited boy, and a very demanding boy, more times than not I had an inner voice saying "ah brief respite, or "Thank God he's is quiet", and when he was bad, yes that does get my attention, so he was responding and I was responding to the attention provided by negative behaviors.
Anger and resentment towards a new sibling can cause havoc, between changing hormones, dealing with all the changes new babies bring, and yes, there it is again...no time for yourself???...The ability to take all this on, in addition to a screaming tantruming child is enough to send anyone over the edge!!! Yes, it can be theatrical, however, this is a little girl who is to threatening you, and her sibling and is a case to move quickly before someone is hurt, do you really want to take the chance it is just theatrics? If there is tension between siblings, try to find a way for them to play together or paralell play....have her "teach" her brother someting, or read to him, this will increase their acceptance for each other, and he will learn something as well...plus her self-esteem will grow.
It seems you and your partner are at your wits end...totally frazzled and possibly, reacting much like I did with my ds. That is until I found I was making matters far worse with my punishing parenting. It was very hard, after much practice I did Stop Reacting, and I did stop yelling....do I slip, sure do...my buttons are very visible to my ds, he knows how to use them well!!! If I stay calm then my son would remain calmer, and If I stayed calm, my frustration at whatever the situation might be, would not go straight to my nerves and stomach. My ds, he too would become more approachable and less reactive much sooner, as I would as well. For many years, I reacted by yelling, punishing, taking away privileges and toys, his tantrums would only become worse and last longer. After many years, and many tears, I can now say quietly "I'll not be a part of your tantrum, when you calm yourself down, I'll be happy to listen and talk with you" and then walk away.
I also found I was not respecting my son, but being the Parent in Charge, I was not really hearing him or meeting his needs as a child. I was truly humbled one day when he asked me, Mommy will you always love me....he needed to know I loved him, his fear was that I didn't because I yelled so much. This haunts me still. Out of the mouth of babes comes many teaching lessons...and my ds has taught me many and I hope he will continue to teach me more. Or "I will not accept disrespectful behavior, I hurt inside when I'm treated disrespectfully"....note I am placing the emphasis on me, and not my ds, who many times is unable to find the proper words to express his emotion....or "I'm sorry you are feeling angry, when you calm yourself down, then I will listen to you and I will talk with you"
If he becomes physical, or he throws something out of anger, this is un safe behavior, "Throwing and hitting are not allowed in this house, it is against our house safety rules, you need to go to your room and calm down" or you can go into your "calm out space" rather than a time out. By giving a choice, you are giving the child some control over his environment, while focusing on the behavior to be changed. A calm out space needs to be within your sight, but at the same time, a place that is free from stimulation, or traffic in the house. By giving two choices, my dear son, who hated to be sent to his room because he was afraid of himself and the lack of control that comes with tantrums, his anger and his fear was placed on me. He learned little to nothing from being punished, and being banished to his room. He learned much more with calmness, and more with choice and natural consequences.
Later, after a 15 minute calm out, after I talked to him about what was unacceptable, received an apology from him, and he would "try not to do again" (not I promise I won't do again, and this is setting up for failure.) Then we would snuggle, this part is so important as it brings back the warmth and acceptance to the child, there is no rejection because of doing something wrong...making mistakes are a part of life...learning lessons. Its really hard and painful...especially from an over worked, tired mother to give of herself day after day, a time is needed every day to do a kind act for yourself.
Calm Out: A quiet area with some books, where de-escalate from what has caused the melt down can come to an end. I had a bean bag chair, with a soft blanket and some gentle books...not comics or anything scary....the main thing is, she is not telling you what her problem is, only tantruming, if you can stop yourself, H.A.L.T. choose either hungry angry lonely or tired, or has become over stimulated, then your response might be different.
Medical Intervention: This can be a chemical imbalance, or it can be due to an inability to regulate her emotions....this is what a doctor can help you determine. If you can get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child", take your child to a ped-dr or a psychiatrist or a neuro-psychologist for an evaluation you might just save your sanity! For me, mine was almost lost....a child who's behavior is this off needs many to help the process of healing what ever is the problem, or issue causing the behavior. I would ask her ped-dr for an evaluation sheet to give to her teachers at school so they can have input into her behavior there, in addition, keep track of the times of day she most often tantrums. If you know some of the things she goes off about, reduce the abilty for a melt down by curbing triggers...stopping before it starts. You will learn more about this technique in the book.
Threat of suicide: No Way are threats of suicide from a child normal, yes a way to get attention,but any type of physical harm to another or to oneself is a serious problem, to be addressed without emotion, to find the core reason for the painful words being expressed. Sorry, for a child or an adult to threaten suicide to anyone is a cry for help, not one to ignor because if it is said, then an action could take place.Many years ago, there was a commercial on tv, an older woman saying "Help, I can't get up". To make a long story short, a friend said this to me on my phone answer machine, and when I got no response in my return call to her, I hustled over to her home. What I found was her 6 year old son running around crying, and my friend passed out on the floor in her bathroom. What I read is your daughter is crying out for attention, feeling put out with the birth of another child, feeling lonely due to baby's needs and having less time and attention given to her. I can only suspect you have this feeling as well, feeling overwhemed with care for children, work, home, hubby....what do you give to yourself or do for yourself to fill your cup??? There were days when I didn't get out of the house, shower or do any of the self maintaining actions to care for me....I was so tired, and stressed out, I lost myself as I became a new single mother. Those days were hard, remembered as a blur of lack of sleep, lack of adult stimulation, not to mention isolation and hormone changes after birth.
Discipline vs. Punishment: Also,reverse of punishment*taking away to using discipline *to teach...I discovered after many trials and errors and tantrums. Taking away things only enrage him and make him become more angry and more filled with resentment. I know this, as I was reacting, my ds was tantruming, well lets just say it was not pretty in our home as he raged and screamed. As he became able to be vocal about what he wanted, he too can be a part in the process of making up house rules, rewards for "positive behavior", and consequences for un "acceptable behavior". In using these two terms, the focus is not placed on bad or good, thus his self image was not hurt....when changing the focus of the child with redirection, or removal to another play area, the focus of attention is changed to another area that might not be so stimulating, new and interesting, so the child's attention is fixed, before a tantrum can occur. This is so important, to be one step ahead and anticipate the child's needs, or to be prepared ahead of time when out shopping with a juice and crackers to eat, or in church with a book and some crayons to read and color....works wonders if you need a break and want to go out to eat as well. Lots of praise as in "big boy/girl such good manners, such good behavior etc. say the positive behavior that is your expectation for the child to have in any given situation. her actions to the behavior not being acceptable rather than her thinking she is bad, as a child has a very hard time separating the two. It's a matter of choice, I found smacks on the bottom and punishment were really not working for us, and turned to discipline. I didn't know this, and had to learn it as when I was a child my dear mother used punishment, and an iron hand for us to obey.
Focus on Positive and use Natural Consequences: Then you won't be the mean mommy! When/Then, When you do your jobs, then we can go out and play together...I can't wait!!! When you are angry, then I will not listen until you are calm. ABC (action behavior consequence) When you throw your toy across the room, then the toy will be put into time out for 15 minutes. I would place the toy where it could be seen to avoid fear of it "going away" adding on more crying and carrying on. If the toy room is wild, rotate toys, clean out all but favorites into separate plastic containers, and rotate every two weeks to reduce stimulation, messes, and constant picking up!! John and I had a song we used to clean up his toys...anything t make doing the job fun. Show the child on a calendar when the change of toys will come, Oh boy...you get to pick out new toys today!!! For every Action a child takes there is a Behavior which comes along also, the behavior can be positive or negative, this is what will determine the Consequence. Rather than nagging (this really got on my nerves, repeating several times, as I did for way to many years) to bring to the child the focus to the issue, complete the job then "Look at what the Big Girl Did, You did it all by yourself, You must be very proud of yourself, or give a high 5, Way to Go!!! You did a great Job and I'm proud of you!!! Look for good and positive things your child is doing, giving praise, will have the wonderful effect on your child of wanting to Do More Good, as the child loves the hugs and attention and most of all mom's and dad'd smile and approval.
Diet: you might want to tackle is her diet, is she eating every three hours. Protein, carbs, fruit/veggies...or lots of carbs and sugar? This could cause difficulties of low blood sugar levels which can make moods swing. Check and see if she eats something and there is an adverse reaction a 1/2hr later....red ears, red cheeks, increased agitation or stimulation. Allergies, food coloring, food additives today are rampent today, scarry what is written on the outside of packaging. I stopped using package food completely and started to make everything from scratch. She may have an intolerance from dairy, or wheat/gluten, nuts, or even types of fruits. There are so many variables which can cause behavioral problems, and food is a biggie. Food allergies can cause all kinds of havoc in the stomach, and with behavior. Also, a healthy diet of sleep is so important for children so their growing bodies can have a chance to rest, a chance for their brain to grow, and for you to take a breather!!!
Play time: Are you getting down on the floor playing...even 15 minutes a day of focused attention, reading while snuggling, drawing and coloring, or playing with dolls and being silly. Try to set aside 30 minutes a day...15 perhaps when you get home, with "Honey we will have our special time in 30 minutes 'set a timer' I need to do some of my jobs first, after you breathe for a bit, get her to join in with making dinner, or even sitting in the kitchen and doing school work, ask about her day, her best and worst, you'll be amazed by her brilliance and happiness at this little part of being with you. At this age, children can learn life long skills, one being a love of reading. I read for atleast 15 minutes every night with ds on my lap or sitting next to me, despite all the horror of the day, it was a way to bring healing back to us, and the feeling we both needed, I love you and I acceptance you, no matter what!!!
Our Week Day Mornings, 'til bedtime: this is his routine getting up so he is ready for his schools bus. He uses bathroom, back upstairs dressed to shoes, feeds his fish, eats his breakfast, take his meds, brush his teeth, put his snack and lunch into his back pack and he is out the door for his bus.... Afternoon: When he comes home from school, he has a special place to keep his back pack, places his lunch box/snack bag on the kitchen counter, and has a snack. This is a time where I can find out about his day, go through his work binder to see about homework and teacher notes etc. I ask him his best and worst of the day, just to keep lines of communication open. After his snack, he does his jobs...putting dishes away, taking out trash, etc. He is not paid an allowance for his jobs, as he is a member of the family, and this is his part to keeping the house running smoothly. Then he has a 1/2hr of free time to do what he wants. Then his homework. We used to have terrible fights, as I would make corrections that he'd need to do. Well, now I've stopped, our home is much happier :o), he is responsible for his home work and if he does it messy, oh well he doesn't get a good grade or has it sent home to be redone. I used to have him do all his homework in one sitting, but found eventually it was too much for him. So he does 30 minutes, has another free time until 5 pm.when I start Homework/Dinnertime: his home work that needs completion is done in the kitchen while I get dinner ready. I am always available to help with instructions or questions and he likes me to be around, just not to tell him what to do. I just remind him "size shaping and spacing of letters and words, when he says he is done, I ask him is there anything you want me to look at...if no, then I repeat have you rechecked your work for spelling and checked for any corrections? Then his work goes right into the binder folder, this goes into the back pack to avoid any problems in the morning with missing papers. Dinnertime/Bedtime: before he eats, he has to clean up his toys, then washes up, sets the table and tosses the salad...he gets a kick out of helping me to cook...again being a part, and helping me. After dinner free time again until 7pm. Then shower, jammies, meds, quiet reading time together, up to bed, tuck in, prayers and chat if there is something on his mind...there usually is so I give us about 15 minutes and he is out by 8:30. Bed time: If this is a struggle, ask what the problem is about going to bed. Are there monsters, does she need something special to sleep with...a lot of times when my son felt bad, he didn't want to leave me at night....another lesson from my dear son. Keep boundaries you and your partner need.
His Jobs: He is responsible for putting his dirty cloths in the wash area, putting his clean cloths away, and on Sunday he puts out his school cloths for the week, shirt, pants, underwear, socks. This helps with the morning process, as well as alerts me if he needs something. He has small jobs through out the week, keeping his bedroom and toy room tidy, empty waste baskets, bring out recycled bottles cans paper, bring barrels up to curb. He sets the table at night for dinner, puts clean dishes into cabinet, and vacs when needed as he loves to do this....he has a fixation on vac cleaners lol. On saturday if he wants to earn some money, he can vac and wash the car. I don't pay him an allowance for doing the above, as the jobs are a part of running the home daily, and are looked at as his way to help me, and to be involved in the home to create a better enviornment. I guess I'm old fashioned in this respect, I don't just had over money, he has to work for it as he would in real life. If he wants to buy a toy, as he does now, it costs $89.99, I told him I would not buy it for him because he has so many lego's and builds the model, then it becomes a pile of pieces...so he would have to earn the money and I'd be happy to take him to buy it. He is almost 1/2 way now and is truly tickled...Mom I have $$$ now..then uses his math to figure how much more he will need.
On the weekends, I'm a bit more flexible, however, he still gets up following the above routine and once his jobs are done he has free time to do what he wants. He earns time to watch tv or to go on the computer, as these activities are privileges. Privileges that are not granted if his school work is not completed, or his jobs are not completed. He has the opportunity to "work" for money by doing extra around the house...it's his choice if he wants money to be in his pocket.
Please do be kind to yourself! You are the most important person in the world to your child, and always will be.
Take care, Simba1
