Discipline Tips

Discipline is one of the most challenging parts of being a parent.   As a mentor mom, helping parents with discipline is one of my favorite things to do (no, I'm not a glutton for punishment).  Here are some of the suggestions I give to the

1.  Write down your family rules or family code (if you have not already done so).  Include in it things such as your expectations for how to treat others, expectations about helping around the house, etc.  Use positive terms such as "treat each other with respect", "talk to each other using sweet voices", "keep our hands to ourselves" versus negative terms such as "no hitting" "no yelling" etc.   After coming up with the rules, start thinking about what consequences you plan to use for infractions (more on that in a minute).  Kids need to know what to expect.  Living in a home without clearly defined rules would be the equivalent of going to work at an office where the rules are constantly changing and employee expectations for conduct are not articulated.  That would be awful, wouldn't it?

2.  Have a family meeting to share the new family code.  Use "we" statements to encourage a sense of family identity, ie, "We Smiths treat each other with kindness."  Discuss the consequences for those who do not abide by the rules, ie, go to their room, loss of priviledges, etc.  Have family meetings regularly and keep them fun!  They are a great way to improve communication with your kids.  The book Our Family Meeting Book by Elaine Hightower and Betsy Riley is a great resource.

3.  Give your kids a verbal clue.  Find a statement that you can use everytime your children misbehave.  You want to train them so that when they hear these words they know they have screwed up.  The statement in our household is "Oh, how sad."  When my kids hear that, they freeze like deer in headlights.  They know when they hear that phrase that they have messed up.  Say it without anger (more on that in a minute) and use it EVERY TIME!

3.  Consequences.  Use natural and logical consequences.  For example, if they throw a toy across the room, the natural consequence would be that the toy is put up for the rest of the day.  If they are fighting over a toy, tell them they need to work it out or you will (by taking the toy from both).  For screaming, hitting, biting, remove them from the situation.  This is a natural consequence right?  When someone is treating us unkindly we remove ourselves from the situation, right?  

I suggest sending them to their rooms, but I don't see it as a time out.   Rather, I tell them to go to their room until they can come down and be sweet.  I don't care if they are up their 10 minutes or 10 seconds as long as they come down in a better mood.  This teaches them that they are in control of how long they are in their room giving them an opportunity to learn how to master their emotions.  Besides, it gets them away from me and isn't that what we really want when they are misbehaving?  Some express concerns about using children's room as a form of punishment.  The punishment here is being separated from us, not the room.  See the difference? 

If they come out crying or yelling, tell them they aren't sweet yet and send them back.  Repeat as necessary.  They'll figure it out.  Here's the most important part:  Don't talk to them about why they were sent to their room in the first place!  When we do this, we are sending the message that they aren't smart enough to figure it out on their own.  Instead, say something like "Hey, there's my sweet kid!  How would you like to help me in the kitchen?"

4.  Never let them see you sweat (even if you are fuming on the inside!).  The learning from the consequence goes out the window when we react with anger.   Instead of thinking about the consequence for their poor choice, they think about how unfair or mean we are.  When we keep their cool, they have to focus on their poor choice. 

Let me comment on sibling arguing:  Give them the opportunity to work things out themselves.  We often intervene way to early thus robbing them of the opportunity to learn negotiation skills.  If one comes out and tells you the other hit them, send them BOTH to their room.  Why both?  Unless you saw it, you really don't know who started it (which is usually the one who eventually comes to you to intervene).  Arguing?  Again, tell them to work it out or you will.  If they continue to argue (which they will), send them both to their rooms until they can come out and play together nicely.  If they know this is going to be the outcome every time, they can start modifying their behavior because they know what to expect. 

Sounds like a lot, huh?  Take baby steps!  Pick the behavior that is the most frustrating for you to deal with and start there.  Don't beat yourself up if you fall of f the bandwagon and revert to your old ways...we all do it!  There's no such thing as a perfect parent.  Just brush yourself off and try again.  The more you use these techniques, the more ingrained they will become in your daily life.  You will feel more in control as a parent and you will be amazed and how much more you will enjoy your kids! 

Copyright © 2006, Jill S. Urbane.  All rights in all media reserved.  The content of this article may be forwarded in full without special permission provided it is used for nonprofit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, please contact Jill Urbane at www.thementormom.com.