To Share or Not to Share

One of the most frequent questions I get from parents of young children is "How can I teach my child to share when he is playing with other kids?"  They express feelings of embarrassment and frustration that their child is "that child" who on play dates

So let's take a minute and think about the word "share."  What happens when we share food with someone?  Do we get it back?  We might sometimes get back a smaller version, but often the food is gone never to be seen again.  Given this, let's look at sharing from the perspective of a two year old.  He has experienced sharing cookies and crackers with you, right?  He has seen that the food doesn't come back.  So we tell him to share his toys. What does his past experience tell him?  Most likely that he won't be getting his toys back. Now, understand that sharing is a difficult concept for very young children to understand.  Two year olds are still in an egocentric stage.  The world is still about them.  Rest assured, they will learn to share with time, good role models and lots of patience on your part.   What can you do in the meantime to help him in this process? 

I suggest avoiding the word "share" when it comes to toys.  Instead, I encourage parents to use the phrase "take turns."   That's really what we want them to do, right?  You can help your child understand turn taking by practicing it in play with him.  For example, if you are down on the floor playing with plastic farm animals and your child has the cow, you tell him it is mama's turn with the cow and ask him for it.  If he doesn't give it to you (which he won't), you gently take it from him.  He may protest, but you only need to play with it for a couple of seconds.  Then give it back saying "Jacob's turn."  If you continue this type of exchange during all your play routines, your child should learn quickly that turn taking does not mean that the toy is lost forever.  Make sense? One more thing I want to mention:  territory.  I often hear from parents that their child is horrible when friends come over to play having fits when the guest touches his stuff. 

Again, let's put ourselves in your child's shoes.  How would you feel if one of your friend's came over to your house and started going through your drawers, closets, dressers, desk, etc., inspecting, touching and using your stuff without asking permission?  Most of us would feel uncomfortable, confused and/or angry!    As adults, we are equipped with language and thinking skills that can help us navigate this sticky situation!  Kid's don't have those skills yet, so keep that in mind if your child has a fit when a friend comes over.  Talk to him before the play date and explain that Jimmy is coming over and that they are going to play with the toys together.  Assure him that Jimmy is not going to take any toys home with him.  Hopefully, these techniques will help your child learn how to be a good play partner! 

Do you have any tips or suggestions regarding how to teach children to share? Originally posted on July 21, 2006 at http://www.thementormom.com

Copyright © 2006, Jill S. Urbane.  All rights in all media reserved.  The content of this article may be forwarded in full without special permission provided it is used for nonprofit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, please contact Jill Urbane at www.thementormom.com.