Five languages of love

Five languages of love

by Roger & Christine Day 

We want to share with you some thoughts from the book we are currently reading, The Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell (1997/2005, Northfield Publishing, Chicago).

Here in România we

Unconditional love

For parents, the most important need in raising a child (apart from food, warmth and shelter) is to offer him or her unconditional love. The authors explain this: ‘We love regardless of what the child looks like; regardless of her assets, liabilities or handicaps; regardless of what we expect her to be; and, most difficult of all, regardless of how she acts. This does not mean that we like all of her behaviour. It does mean that we give and show love to our child all the time, even when her behaviour is poor.’  

As therapists we know that difficulties from people’s own backgrounds, especially childhood, result in some parents struggling to show unconditional love to their children. But the fact is that if you are willing to put the effort in, your child will respond to unconditional love.  

Chapman and Campbell are very careful to stress that showing unconditional love is not permissiveness. A child needs discipline, training and guidance. But they can only be effective when the child’s emotional tank is full.  

They write: ‘No child can receive too much appropriate unconditional love. A child may be “spoiled” by a lack of training or by inappropriate love that gives or trains incorrectly. True unconditional love will never spoil a child because it is impossible for parents to give too much of it.’  

Love languages

There are five ‘love languages’:  

* physical touch

* words of affirmation

* quality time

* gifts

* acts of service  

Physical touch for a baby involves plenty of hugs and kisses. As the child gets older, you can show physical touch by sitting next to your child, putting a hand on the shoulder or a playful High Five. Boys can be resistant to hugging and kissing. Try instead play fighting, bear hugs and shoulder pushes (you lowering yourself to your son’s height so he has a chance of beating you). Even teenagers need physical contact, though it may need to be done subtly.  

An 11-year-old boy in the book says about the importance for him of physical touch: ‘Dad is always bumping me when he walks by, and we wrestle on the floor. He’s a lot of fun. And Mom’s always hugging and kissing me, although she has stopped doing it in front of my friends.’  

Words of affirmation include words of affection and endearment, praise, encouragement and guidance. What you say to your child is very important. Words should include plenty for being (‘I love you’, ‘I’m so happy you’re part of this family’, ‘I’m glad you were born’) as well as doing (‘That was great’, ‘I’m so proud of you’, ‘Well done!’). The book is very clear that every parent makes mistakes. Be ready to apologise – saying sorry to your child won’t ease the words, but it will reduce their negative effect.  

A boy aged 14 says: ‘Does my dad love me? Yes, because when I play ball, he always cheers, and after the game he says, “Thanks for playing hard.” He says that the main thing is not to win but to do my best. Sometimes I make mistakes, but he tells me not worry. He says I’ll do better if I keep on doing my best.’  

Quality time is undivided attention from the parent, focused on the child right now. This can be difficult if there are jobs around the house to do. The secret, say the authors, is to give the child quality time before starting the jobs and then the jobs will probably get done quicker because the child’s emotional tank will be full. Quality time involves positive eye contact and ‘real’ conversations at every stage of the child’s development.  

A girl age eight says: ‘I know my folks love me because they do things with me. Sometimes we all do stuff together, even with my little bother. But both of them do things just with me.’  

Gifts are an expression of love especially for the child getting them. It doesn’t matter the size of the gift; the important thing is that it represents the love of the giver. One suggestion by the authors is to wrap the new school clothes in beautiful paper and present the gift to the child at the dinner table in front of all the family. Unwrapping the gift, they suggest, is an emotional thrill for the child.    

A 15-year-old girl says: ‘Everything I have, they gave me. In my mind, that’s love.’  

Acts of service involve doing for your children what they can’t do for themselves. This varies according to the age of the child. It might include helping a child with his homework or fixing her bike. Setting up toys for younger children so they can immediately play with them is another act of service. Acts of service need to be unconditional, not just when you feel like it.  

A girl age seven with health problems says: ‘I know Mommy loves me cos’ when I need help with my homework, she helps me. When I have to go to the doctor, she gets off from work and takes me.’  

Every child needs all five of these forms of love communication in order to be healthy. By the time a child is about five, you will find that he or she has a preferred love language. Remember, children need all five love languages but each child (even identical twins) has his own special love language through which he expresses and receives love. When you discover and use that language, you will help to ensure that his emotional tank is always filled.  

The book concludes with an excellent chapter on anger, including ways to help your child express their anger without hurting others, and a helpful chapter for single parent families.  

The authors are deeply committed to the importance of parents expressing all five love languages and the danger of not giving children enough tangible love. They write:  

‘Your child, like a flower, will benefit from your love. When the water of love is given, your child will bloom and bless the world with beauty. Without that love, she will become a wilted flower, begging for water.’  

Roger & Christine Day

www.therapyinromania.org.uk