This article addresses some practical questions raised by parents in response to my suggestion that praising too much is actually counter-productive while trying to motivate our children.
~ But if I’m not praising and not punishing, what do I do instead? ~
Try simply communicating your
sincere admiration, gratitude, and appreciation when it arises. When your child does something admirable, let him know how you feel. “Wow! Do I count 20 towers on that sand castle?!” instead of “Good building, Johnny!” The difference is that when you admire or appreciate, you join him in his experience and there’s an alignment. When you praise, you derail his train and bring it over to your track.
When you are grateful for your child’s help, say so. When she shares a little known fact that she learned at school, your interest and attention are the reward. Becoming a valued and contributing member of the family and society is much more of a reinforcement than grades or a gold stars.
Try treating your child like you’d treat an adult neighbor or coworker. I don’t see my neighbors getting smiley stickers when they shovel their driveway or weed their garden, even if they do a really good job. And no one says, “Good gardening, Joe!”
Nonetheless, a well-maintained yard is a pleasure for the whole neighborhood, and I can let them know that I enjoy the fruits of their labors without praising them. A quiet and sincere comment of acknowledgment and appreciation goes a long way.
The difference lies in the intention. Kids recognize from a mile away that praise is really a sugarcoated agenda. Most of them prefer and respond positively to sincerity. Wouldn’t you?
~ But if I stop giving rewards they won’t be motivated to do anything! ~
We each do dozens of things every day for no external reward. We sew or knit or paint or do woodworking just for fun. We strive to decrease our time or improve our score just for the thrill of growth and mastery. We wash dishes so we can eat from clean plates later. We stop at red lights even when there are no police cars in sight, because we want to arrive at our destination in one piece.
Babies learn to walk because their developing bodies drive them to do so, not because we clap and cheer at their first steps! It really is ok to leave them alone with their process. I’m not saying we can’t share in their delight. But they learn to walk even without any gold stars.
Doesn’t this make you wonder how many other accomplishments might be motivated by a similar internal drive if given the chance? Wouldn’t it be great to just relax and trust this intrinsic impulse?
If this subject intrigues you, be sure to check out the book Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn. It’s a fascinating read!
Copyright 2006 Karen Alonge
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Karen Alonge is a parenting consultant and relationship coach who has been successfully assisting families with all types of challenges for over 20 years. Consultations may take place in your home as well as by phone, email, and IM. Clients often notice significantly positive changes in their daily experience after only one session. Learn more at www.karenalonge.com
(July 2006) (
