Praise: Can Too Much Damage a Child’s Self-Esteem?

you wrote:

"my praise should not distract a child from their own self worth and focus on the worth I have pressed upon him /her "

WELL SAID!  thanks for phrasing it so clearly and succinctly.

what a fantastic reply! I'm thrilled to be engaging at this level of analysis.  clearly what I wrote did not resonate with you, and I am always in favor of clarity one way or another! 

I can definitely understand what you are saying, especially the part about teens turning to peers to meet their unmet needs.  In no way am I advocating that we ignore our kids or do not encourage them.  I believe our attention is THE most powerful reward and reinforcement available to us as parents, and that it should be showered on our kids at every appropriate opportunity. 

I do not believe that a child who is reflected in the way I am suggesting would grow up with unmet needs for approval or validation.  I simply want to contribute an idea to consider:  that kids can feel the subtle difference between genuine appreciation which springs from a parent's loving and trusting heart, and praise which is delivered from a mind which fears that the child will not achieve anything decent in life without being groomed to learn or perform. 

so we can most definitely find common ground in endorsing parental encouragement -- which is the finest example of positive attention and a vote of confidence that I can imagine.   

It could be seen as nitpicking, for sure, but I have decided that for my own parenting, I'm shooting for non-performance based approval and unconditional expressions of love.  I want my kids to feel that I am proud of them no matter what.  I actually do not want them to please me (this sounds pretty kooky, eh?  :)  I want them to make choices based upon what works for them and who they are, rather than who I am.  I want to fade myself into the background of their experience, so that what is louder than my influence is the truth that I believe resides in their hearts.  I don't want my voice to drown out the small still voice within them. 

I have the great benefit of raising kids in joint custody with my ex.  It's the most incredible laboratory.  I see them come home from his house crushed when he has told them how disappointed he is in them. I see them react as if the sun has purposely stopped shining on them.  I hear them explain the reasons why they chose a certain behavior that he is upset about, and I understand their choices although perhaps cannot always endorse them.  I see how a simple conversation would have cleared up whatever misunderstanding led them to make a choice that did not turn out well for them.  I see how betrayed they feel when he makes his approval contingent on them being the way he wants them to be.

I see them get angry at him, and question why his love for them is conditional.  I see a little piece of their trust in him erode.  Not all kids may go there in this type of situation.  Mine do.  So I have adjusted my own actions.  I have chosen not to use guilt in my parenting, not to use my disappointment or approval as tools. 

I believe that within a context of unconditional acceptance, the kids and I can bring clarity and wisdom to any choices that they have made which were not appropriate or did not work well for them.  I assume that they have made choices based on what they knew at the time, and my job is to increase their knowledge base and help them integrate the consequences of their choice into future decisions.  I trust that they are smart and can adapt and learn.  I feel no need to play the disappointment card. 

They are now 15 and 12, and they are phenomenal kids.  Not perfect by any means, but honest, and open hearted, and kind, and generous.  And they TALK to me.  They tell me the truth.  For hours every day.  They trust me to love and be open to them regardless of how many "mistakes" they make along the journey of discovering who they are and how they choose to show up in life.  I'm certain there are many paths that lead to having that kind of relationship with your kids.  This one has worked well for me.  I commend you in finding one that works well for your family.

Does it also have the same effect if a parent were to say "Great job. Do you see how your efforts paid off?".  Or would this still be under the category of "over praising"?

Also, does too much praise affect very young children (infancy to toddlerhood?) the same way? I am asking because I am having a hard time grasping this idea that too much praise can hurt a child's self-esteem. I understand the point at first glance, but then as I mull it over, I think, "wait, how can that be bad?"

I think I see it as a fine line that is covered here.  There have been a few exmples where praise is given and turned back onto the child so they can see it was their effort or forethought that achieved this sense of warmth inside and the verbal/physical reaction from whomever is dishing out the praise. 

Although this article does make me feel much better about the times that i say nothing and instead  just observe her congratulating herself. 
Peace
EF.x 

hi izzy-

what fantastic questions - thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify.  The advice I have posted here was originally written for my client newsletters.  My subscribers are mostly uber-parents.  They have done lots of personal development work and have a very high desire for intentionality in their parenting and relationships.  Outside of that context, it sure does sound like I am splitting hairs here! 

You make an excellent point, just as you did in the other post about power struggles.  Even the crudest and most manipulative praise is far better than criticism.  If I am understanding your question correctly,  you are absolutely right - too much appreciation can't be bad, and can never hurt a child's self-esteem. 

for parents who want to take it to the next level, it seems to be helpful to draw a distinction between praise and appreciation.  I want my kids to focus on how good they feel inside, not on how happy I am that they did whatever they did.  Genuine appreciation supports their internal focus by joining them there, whereas praise asks them to take their attention off of their own experience and put it on my happiness or approval. 

Down the road of life a little ways, this kind of external focus can sometimes lead folks into therapy to figure out who they really are and what they really want, because they have lost themselves in the pleasing game, and have designed their lives based upon the approval of others and lost touch with what makes their own heart sing.  or maybe not!  but I would prefer to point my kids down the healthiest road that I can discern from my limited personal vantage point. 

I think the most important place to look is in your intention rather than the words themselves.  are you drawing his attention to how his efforts paid off because you are afraid he won't add that up himself?  are you trying to get him to repeat that behavior again and don't think he will without manipulation? 

if so,  might you be willing to reconsider that plan and substitute a genuine celebration of his achievment?  let your natural appreciation radiate from you honestly and spontaneously -- HEY, you worked so hard and look what you did!!!   

In my opinion, THAT is far more honest and motivating and connnection-promoting than a sugar-coated morsel that is actually a thinly disguised vote of non-confidence in a child's ability to learn from experience.  but on the big spectrum of things parents say, it is way out there on the fringe, and in a pinch, praise is always better than criticism.

this experiment might help to make what I am saying more clear:  pay attention to how it feels inside you when you say  to your child "do you see how your efforts paid off?"  does it feel trusting and expansive and kind and like something you would say to another adult?  if so, then by all means, go for it!  when I check in with myself saying those words, I feel a little smaller ... a litte condescending.  so I would keep looking for a phrase that felt joyful and celebratory and light, and use that instead.

I hope this was helpful, and I appreciate your questions for the invitation they send to dive deeper ...

:)karen

www.karenalonge.com

Thank you for taking the time for this discussion. It's clear to me now. My lightbulb moment was when you mentioned about bringing up our children to be a people pleaser vs someone who has a solid self-esteem.

my pleasure!  please keep asking ... I am always grateful for the opportunity to think on these things.

:)