Question from a client:
“How do you get your children to respond when spoken to when it is someone outside of their mother and father that is speaking to them? How do you teach children to be respectful and polite when spoken to? How do 
you teach them to be courteous? How do they respond to someone that is familiar to them vs. someone that is a stranger?”
My response:
Kids often think that strangers are dark looking characters wearing trench coats. Teach them that a stranger is anyone you don’t know. This includes teenage girls, elderly folks, etc.
Things get a little tricky here, because as parents, most of us want our kids to be polite. Yet the reality of our world today is that sometimes the polite kids are the ones who get abducted or abused, because they are too well trained to be concerned about the other party and do not stick up for themselves and enforce their personal boundaries.
There’s a fine line, almost nonexistent in a child’s mind, between submitting themselves against their wishes to Auntie Gertrude kissing them on the cheek, and the baby-sitter kissing them on the lips. How do you teach them to make a distinction?
I say you don’t have to. Instead, teach and model for them from minute one that our bodies are our very own property, and that it is ALWAYS our decision about receiving ANY KIND of touch.
This means that Aunt Gertrude may be offended when Junior steps backwards and deflects that kiss, or Grandpa’s feelings may be hurt when Junior won’t sit on his lap. Our job as parents is to advocate for our child’s right to enforce their own boundaries regarding being touched.
Other adults, especially if they are older generation family members, may not understand this until you explain the protective intention behind it. Nevertheless, they will need to respect it if they wish to spend time with your child.
With this concept firmly entrenched, we have empowered our children to protect themselves from any unwanted touch by any person at any time. I have read that 70-80% of child victims are abused by perpetrators who were not strangers to them.
Explain to your child that if the adult in question is offended, that’s not the child’s problem. Let your child know that their body and feelings are their business, and the adult’s body and feelings are the adult’s business. And then teach them to always come to you and tell you if something uncomfortable has occurred.
It’s sad that our world has deteriorated to a state which requires this kind of approach. But it has, and it is foolish to teach your child that adults must be respected ‘no matter what.’
That said, keep your young children always in sight. When you meet new folks, introduce them to your children properly. Teach your children with the puppets that when you are standing with them and you introduce them, you expect them to say whatever it is that you expect—Pleased to meet you, Hello Mr. Jones, etc., and that you’d like them to make eye contact. Acknowledge your children when they act in a way you are proud of.
Let them know that if you are not nearby, they are not required to interact with a stranger in any way at all. They don’t have to make eye contact. They don’t have to say hello. They should not take candy or anything else, never get into a car, and stay well out of arm’s reach.
And for those of you who heard about giving your kids a password in case you need to send someone else to pick them up - forget it. Children have been abducted by kidnappers who simply said, “I know the password, and your Mom said you should get in the car so I can take you home.”
It’s also important to remember that if your child comes to you telling of an uncomfortable breach of their personal space or boundary, they require your full and compassionate attention. Be sure to keep calm and thank them for letting you know.
Then take action on their behalf.
Here’s the bottom line: Don’t let manners and courtesy take precedence over your child’s basic bodily rights or internal warning system. Encourage your child to respect himself and his boundaries, as well as respecting the boundaries of others. Keep your child close to you and under your protection until he or she has demonstrated that he or she can handle social situations to your satisfaction. Set a powerful example.
Copyright 2006 Karen Alonge
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Karen Alonge is a parenting consultant and relationship coach who has been successfully assisting families with all types of challenges for over 20 years. Consultations may take place in your home as well as by phone, email, and IM. Clients often notice significantly positive changes in their daily experience after only one session. Learn more at www.karenalonge.com
(July 2006) (
