PTSD - Part 5

Off and on for 18 years, I asked doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, mental health workers, counselors, and therapists, "What is wrong with me? What is happening to me?" The answers I received were many and varied in wording, but all boiled down to one thing: "You have classic symptoms of

Every mental illness is complex and difficult to diagnose. So many have such similar symptoms that a misdiagnosis can be easy to make. It certainly doesn't help when the sufferer isn't willing to be truthful and open with everything, or has read up on a certain mental illness and thinks that  is what they have so tend to give out "symptoms" according only to that condition - much like a hypercondriac worries that every little ache and oddity might be cancer or the like. I've even heard of people deliberately lying to their doctors because of the stigma attached to mental illness, so they pretend that everything is fine when in reality - well - some probably need to spend a long time locked in a psych ward!

So when you don't presume your condition and you are open and honest with everything, to have professionals repeatedly tell you that you can't have a certain condition - even though everything points to it - just because you aren't of a certain class of people, it becomes nothing short of infuriating.

Imagine that you keep getting told for many years that you can't have something you need just because you aren't of Aboriginal decent. It would be very easy to start feeling bitterness and resentment towards everyone that was of Aboriginal decent because of it. And that is a perfectly normal human reaction. Well, that is exactly how many Aboriginal people actually do feel towards White Australians - though fortunately the gaps are closing and the problem isn't as bad as it used to be. When you look at it from the other side of the fence and you find yourself in a postion where you have been discriminated against for one reason or another, it suddenly becomes very easy to understand.

So in explaining this much, I can now safely go on to admit that for many years I felt that bitterness and resentment towards Vietnam Veterans. It wasn't their fault at all in any way obviously, in the same way that it's not my fault that the governments and authorities of previous generations wouldn't allow Aboriginal peoples to have equal rights and fair treatment. But as I said, it's a normal human reaction to feel that way, and I can't blame anyone that does.

Vietnam Veterans have had it very hard. Many didn't have a choice in going to Vietnam as they were conscripted and sent off against their will. Had my brother been 18 years old at the time of the conscription he would have been sent off as well, as his birthday was one of the dates that was on the conscription list. Luckily for him the war was over before he was born. Even those that did sign up voluntarily, did so with false ideals as to what it would be like. The promotional hype gave the impression that it was all about peace-keeping and defence of the weak and vulnerable, that it was an exciting adventure, and an opportunity not to be missed. The stories of the ANZACS told of heroics and glory, not of the harsh realities of war. When their ex-serviceman fathers and grandfathers spoke of the real events of World Wars 1 and 2, the stories were often so far from the young soldier's own reality that they just didn't seem real, they were beyond imagination, and it was incomprehensible to them that anything could really happen like that. So off they went to fight a war in a far off land - to find themselves in the midst of worst and most dangerous war in history.

To make matters worse, while they were off fighting and dying in a far off land, the rest of the world forgot about them. People were starting to get colour TV's in their homes - but the news of the events in Vietnam were heavily censored and far from the reality of it. Man landed on the moon and space exploration became far more interesting. People were more interested in women's rights, local sporting events, and other happy things than they were interested in knowing about the war. Eventually when they did start to pay attention, the general public attitude was to withdraw our troops and stop fighting a war that we should never have been involved in in the first place. One would think that was for the benefit of the soldiers, but then once they did return home, it was a whole different story.

There was no compensation. There was no support. No specialised medical or psychiatric treatments. They had no idea what was really going on back home while they were gone and living in a battle zone. They could only believe they were doing the right thing and following orders. Yet the public put the blame for the war on the heads of the soldiers. The now ex-servicemen were shunned and even spat on by the very people that protested that they be brought home. The stories that were most popular among the general public were of the horrors that happened to the civilians at the hands of the soldiers - but in reality, it was the rare soldier that had lost his mind due to the traumas he had suffered that did any of those sorts of things, or the soldiers were just following orders that they couldn't disobey. Also, no one stopped to think about the fact that they were fighting a war in a country where the enemy looked and dressed the same and spoke the same language as the allies, and that women and children were also fighting the war and often used to lure and trap the soldiers into deadly situations. How do you tell the enemy from the allies in that kind of situation? You can't! And if you trust the wrong person, you're dead! We look at this now and wonder what the hell the general public were thinking of when they spat on soldiers returning home. Imagine how the soldiers felt to receive that sort of treatment! Now go back to the resentment problem that I had with Vietnam Veterans. How do you think they feel towards us civilians after being treated this way?

Yes, that was terrible and traumatic for them, but that isn't why so many of them suffer from PTSD.

Imagine yourself in a situation where you have to walk through a jungle filled with land mines. Every step that you - and those near you - take could result in an explosion that could kill you - or worse, injure you so badly that you wish you were dead. You can't go to sleep properly for fear of being ambushed and killed. Every moment at any moment, a bullet could fly through the foliage and hit you. Or someone behind a desk could make a mistake in marking a map or giving directions and you could end up having a bomb or napalm dropped on you from overhead. This isn't something you have to deal with for a few hours. You have to live in these conditions for weeks, even months, on end. But that's not the worst of it.

I was talking to a Vietnam Veteran not long after I was diagnosed with PTSD. I'd explained to him that I had it and how difficult it had been to get diagnosed. He nodded in understanding and then for the first time ever he opened up and told someone that wasn't a Vietnam Veterans counselor - me -something that had happened to him in Vietnam. He fell into a spiked pit trap. That's a camoflagued hole in the ground covered with netting and leaves so as to not be seen, that is deep enough that if you fall in, you hit the bottom pretty hard - and land on sharp long spikes that are sticking up from the bottom of it. Most that fall in die. He didn't. He escaped with a spear through his leg. The only reason why he escaped is because he landed on his best mate - who fell in first.

If reading about these kinds of stories makes you shudder, try listening to it be told to you by the person it actually happened to. Then imagine if that happened to you. Now do you have a better understanding of why so many Vietnam Veterans suffer from PTSD? I do. It was this conversation that made me realise that the very people I was resenting were ones that really could understand and relate to me. The one's that could help me deal with my own problems the best. Now I have nothing less than total respect and admiration for these men that suffered in this way.

When someone sees that I'm a bit tired and they ask me if I had a long night and I answer, "Yeah, about 20 years long", most people look at me strangely, because they have no idea what I mean, even after I've explained I suffer from PTSD. But a Vietnam Veteran just nods. He understands. If you were to ask a Vietnam Veteran when he was in Vietnam, he will likely tell you he's still there. Most people have no idea what he means by that. I do, and I don't need to ask that question because I already know the answer.

I have come across a number of people that have claimed to suffer from PTSD since I first started opening up and talking about it. Some of them I can genuinely believe. Some make me raise an eyebrow and wonder if they have actually been to see a professional about it and had a proper diagnosis - that wasn't misdiagnosed. Mental illness is a very complex issue. You can't diagnose yourself. You need to talk to a professional and get a proper diagnosis. Trauma can also cause other similarly related mental illnesses, including depression, various anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and can make a different underlying mental illness more complex and obvious. You can't assume you have PTSD just because you wake up with nightmares about something that has happened to you, have sleepless nights, suffer the occassional bout of depression, and get nervous about certain things. There is more to it than just that.

If someone tells you that they suffer from PTSD, don't question it, as those that genuinely do suffer from it have probably had so much trouble getting a proper diagnosis that they really don't want to hear your opinion or doubts on the matter. If you want to find out more about how genuine they are, just ask if they are seeing a mental health professional about it. If they are, then they probably have a good reason to claim to have the condition, so leave it at that. If they say they aren't, then you might suggest they see one. If a Vietnam Veteran treats you with distance, resentment, or seems to snob you, don't question it or argue with him. Just accept that he's had a damn hard time and doesn't want to have to put up with another civilian's hostility, false sympathy, or "I know how you feel" bollocks. If you have been formally diagnosed with PTSD, don't be ashamed to talk about it. If you haven't been diagnosed but suspect you may suffer from it, seek professional help - and when you do, don't lie, don't hide anything, don't presume anything, and don't exaggerate anything. There's only one thing worse than not being diagnosed, and that's being misdiagnosed. And if you're not satisfied with your diagnosis, seek out as many professional opinions as it takes to get yourself sorted out.