Parenting a Toddler with Minimal Screaming

I have a 2 ½ year old who is very independent, very curious, very intense, very observant, and very very strong-willed. Sound like your toddler? If so, then you know how frustrating day to day life can be. But who is trully the problem here? Me or my toddler?

Independence, curiosity, strong-mindedness….are these bad traits? No, they aren’t. They are actually characteristics that we hope all our children would have.

So what is the problem?

The problem lies in the individuals that are involved. There is a toddler with a mind of his own, and there are the parents with a mind of their own. You would think that being adults, we would realize that we should be the better of all involved and take the high road. But no, we don’t. We forget this fact when we’re in a hurry to leave the house to make an appointment, or when our children won’t eat what we’ve prepared, or when there are other screaming children in the household.

In order to avoid or lessen the scream fest at home, I first narrowed in on the top reasons when the power struggle happens:

1. Meal times – I prepare food and my toddler doesn’t want to eat them.
2. Nap/bed times – I’m trying to get my toddler in bed at a certain time and he doesn’t want to.
3. Exhaustion – My toddler has not had enough sleep and so everything I ask him to do is grounds for tantrum.
4. Time constraint – Everytime there is a time constraint, there is almost always a power struggle because my toddler doesn’t seem to move fast enough for me.

If you look at the list, everything but #3 is really about my toddler,everything else is about me.

To avoid the power struggle, we need, as parents, to have an attitude overhaul. We need to look at things differently and tip the odds to the side of success in stead of failure.

• Meal times – I found that I have to prepare several things for my toddler, and then just let him pick what he wants to eat. Meals include: yogurt, cheese, fruits, milk or juice, crackers, 2 different entrees, veggies (my son doesn’t eat veggies, but maybe one of these days if I keep including it in the meal, he’ll eventually try it). This is a win-win situation, because he ALWAYS eats something.
  
• Nap/bed times – My son always procrastinates. It’s either, “I want to finish watching Diego”, or “I want to finish this puzzle”, or “I’m still eating!”. So what I’ve done is to go ahead and allow most everything in bed (except food, only milk in a sippy cup is allowed). If it would avoid frustration in my part, and a tantrum on his part – it’s allowed. Take the puzzle in bed with you, take your milk, take your fire truck, take your book. Go ahead!
  
• Exhaustion – When I know he hasn’t had enough sleep the day/night before,I try not to  schedule any outings/errands.  Postpone the trip to the mall (at least shorten it), postpone the playgroup, leave the toddler with dad or someone when you have to run errands.
  
• Time constraint – When there is a time constraint, it is important to prepare the night before. Prepare the clothes, food, toys, etc. Do not expect a toddler to have a grasp on the concept of time like we do. Even if I only have a small expectation for a small part of the day, such as getting bills done, phone calls made, food cooked, I find that I get easily irritated during these times – this really has nothing to do with my toddler.

I used to have all the patience in the world with my son. I took him out 3 times a week: to the mall, to the park, to a playgroup. I was in awe of his curiosity. There was a day when it took us an hour to get to the Mall Food Court to the parking lot because my son noticed all the potted plants, the mall trees, the different shapes and colors on the display windows. I had nowhere to go, so I let him. It was fun for both of us.

But then I got pregnant. My patience slowly oozed out of my body the further I got along in my pregnancy. By 4 months pregnant, I stopped taking him out. By 5 months pregnant, everything was a struggle. I had to man-handle my then 24 month old son to get him to do anything. I screamed, I yelled, I pulled my hair out.  It wasn’t fair for him to get yelled at when he really has done nothing wrong. So I have slowly changed my attitude about parenting my toddler.

With this little bit of change in my attitude, I have reduced my frustration a great deal. This is not to say I don’t lose it anymore, but I may lose my composure once or twice a week, instead of everyday several times a day. I hope this helps some people out there.

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