Any parent of a teenager today who sees their child’s face in full frontal view is lucky indeed. Many of us are accustomed to addressing the back of our offspring’s head, silhouetted against the glowing blue light of the computer screen.
It seems like pretty basic common
sense that it can’t be great for a kid’s growing body to be sitting motionless in front of a screen all day, so I won’t bore you with all the research. However, the computer is today’s vehicle of choice for the social connections that are so critical to a teenager’s world.
The developmental task of the teen years is to master autonomy. Toward this end, many parents wisely allow their teens plenty of freedom to make and learn from mistakes. It can be challenging to sit back and watch your teen experiment with spending too much time at the computer. But if you impose a mandate that he or she ‘get off that computer this instant,’ you are interrupting your child’s natural feedback system before it has a chance to register its own protest regarding the prolonged physical stillness.
Here are my sneaky, tried, and true suggestions for helping your teen to find his/her own healthy balance of computer and non-computer time without turning your family life into one big power struggle:
Locate the computer within range of your sight and hearing. If it is in your child’s room, have an open door policy. Find a friendly reason to drop in -- deliver a drink and a snack, the mail, or the laundry. While you are nearby, notice what is on display and ask casual questions. When your teen knows you could show up at any second, he or she is more careful about what makes it onto that screen.
Show your interest and curiosity by listening to your teen when he or she talks about what is happening in chat rooms or online activities. Pay attention! Don’t freak out, but do feel free to share your values regarding ethics, morality, and problem-solving. Offer yourself as a resource if they should ever encounter a situation that troubles them.
Share news articles or stories you have heard about internet abuse. No lectures! Just information. Your teen will connect the dots.
When you feel they’ve been sitting still for too long, offer to do a more compelling activity together, rather than simply lecture or demand they turn the computer off. Invite your teen to participate in a physical activity WITH YOU. Shoot hoops, play pool, go for a bike ride, go shopping. You know what they like to do best. Offer it! Challenge yourself to make real life more interesting than virtual reality.
Ask for help around the house. Often my son gets into command-following autopilot while playing games, so when I ask him to get the clothes out of the dryer he just does it! If he hears the whir of the kitchen mixer, he inevitably comes down to see what I’m baking, and a few minutes later is up to his elbows in cookie batter.
Help your teen access and acknowledge their body’s signals. Ask how their eyes, back, or arms are feeling. Just ask, don’t tell!
Be an impeccable role model. Talk about why you are getting up to stretch now, or how stiff your neck feels when you work online for too long. Turn on loud music and dance around the house to loosen up. All the better if you dance on in to your child’s computer space and hassle them a little bit in a playful way.
The bottom line is that the more you try to compel a teenager to do something that is your idea about what is best for them, the less successful you will be! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be a living and thriving example of balance. Enjoy real life to the fullest, and invite your teen to join you. Be irresistibly engaged in enjoying physical activity yourself, and you will become more magnetic to your teen than virtual reality.
Copyright 2005 Karen Alonge
Karen Alonge is a parenting consultant and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience helping individuals and families overcome all types of challenges. She offers consultations by phone, email, and IM. Clients often notice dramatic changes in their daily experience after only one session. Please visit http://www.karenalonge.com for more information.
(July 2006) (
