I can't...I think I can...I know I can

Most of us tell our children how wonderful and intelligent and clever and funny and gifted they are.  I mean they are, aren't they.  I think we also need to let them work that out for themselves.  We have read lots of articles on Minti about building self-esteem. 

I learnt this from my son and all by accident.  He was trying to get his all favourite blanket off his bed.  It's a loft bed, so he has to climb a 3 step ladder to get into it.  He called out to me....."MUM, I CAN'T DO IT!"  I asked him what it was he couldn't do.  He explained.  I told him to try again.  He said "I CAN'T".  So I went into his room and helped him retrieve his blanket.  I do this on regular occasions.  Getting slightly fed up of having to do this, I said to him "Luke, if you want your blanket, you are going to have to try and get it"  Before he could reply with "I CAN'T"  I said to him "You get in your bed yourself.  So you should be able to get up there and get your blanket"  With a coy "OK" he slunk into his room.  I waited.  I was worried, as it is a rather large blanket in comparison to his little body.  I waited.  Heard a couple of grunts.  He came running out, blanket dragged behind him. "Mum, I did it, I got my blanket."  I was full of praise for his efforts and successful mission.   At the time, I didn't know exactly how he did it, but later I saw him do it.  He climbed onto his bed, gathered up the blanket and threw it to the floor, then climed down.  He used to just reached up and try and pull it down and it would always get caught in the bars.

He was playing his spyro game and got to a level he couldn't quite master.  "I CAN'T DO IT.  YOU PLEASE DO IT?"  So I get in there and try to help him.  So the general pattern is, all he has to say is he can't do something, I trust he knows what he is talking about and I have to help the lad.

I was busy working.  He came into the office and said "MUM, I CAN'T DO IT.  YOU PLEASE HELP ME?"  I said "Luke, can you try again?  I'm doing some work at the moment.  When I am finished I'll come and help".  With that, he left the room.  I could hear him getting so upset.  I finished what I was doing and went to help him.  I said to him..."I just need to go to the loo.  I'll be back, but I want you to try again".  He said "I CAN'T DO IT".  Finally picking up on the pattern here, I tried a different approach.  I said "OK Luke, you say you can't do it.  I think you can, but you say you can't. So I think you should turn it off and put it away."  I knew he would not stand for that.....quitting is not in his blood.  He immediately said "No, I can do it.  I don't want to pack it up"  I went to the loo and on returning he came running up to me and said "Mum.  I trust you.  I did it.  see."  He had completed the task that he felt so intent that he could not do.  Once again, I was full of praise.  I think my excitement was greater than his.

In my eagerness to be there whole heartedly for my children's every need, I found that I was in a way putting a limit to their capabilities.  I always encourage them to try and try and try...and then I would help.  I would show him ways to help control his frustration....then I would help.  Now, it appears,  the encouragement is more in our faith that your child can do what ever they truly set their minds to.  We just need to instill in them the confidence we have in them.

We need to understand the concept that the impossible is something nobody can do until somebody does it, and help our children believe it for themselves.  We need to have more confidence in them than they do in themselves, and as they grow, they will be able to repel the negativity that can be so consuming and destructive.