by Roger and Christine Day
Discipline is much more than 'applying the hand of correction to the seat of learning'. It's a way of training or preparing your child for life. The dictionary defines discipline as: 'to train, to educate, to bring under control'.
Setting standards
Discipline of a little person you deeply love doesn't come naturally. Yet it is important that parents set and maintain standards for their children. These can be seen as fixed boundaries to protect a child from harm and train him or her to become a responsible adult.
Most sensible parents, for instance, would not allow their four-year-old son to sit up half the night watching any TV programmes he chose and deciding when he wanted to go to bed.
Spoilt children who always get their own way are a pain to live with. Children without boundaries feel insecure and unsure of where they stand.
Consider setting boundaries for the following:
* Bedtimes
* Pocket money
* Sweets/candies and other snacks between meals
* Freedom
* TV, DVDs and computers
* Toys/computer games allowed
If a child defiantly breaks the boundaries, appropriate discipline may need to be taken. Parents can learn to be flexible without giving way, forgiving without abandoning standards. Make sure that, where there are two parents in the home, both have the same standards. Most children will naturally try to play one off against the other.
Appropriate discipline
It is important to decide on the method of discipline before you have a crisis. In considering possible methods, make sure that the discipline is appropriate to the age and temperament of your children. For instance, you wouldn't send a two-year-old to his room for being naughty or tap a teenager on the hand for his behaviour.
The severity of discipline and the tone of voice used will need to be varied according to each child's temperament. A compliant child may respond to a slightly raised voice. A defiant child, on the other hand, may need stronger measures. How do you usually discipline? Discipline for defiant or bad behaviour can take many forms. Which of the following methods do you usually use? Which work and which don't work? How can you change your methods of discipline to make your home a happier place?
* Shout
* Nag
* Threaten
* Coax
* Scold
* Rescue
* Shame
* Force
* Remind
* Lecture
* Warn
* Frighten
* Protect
* Give choice
Consequences
Michael and Terri Quinn suggest applying consequences as a form of discipline:
'1. Try offering children a choice - this shows respect for them.
2. Act; don't scold.
3. Stay friendly. Remind the child, "You can try again tomorrow."'
'It is important to remember that using consequences is not a method of punishment; it is an attempt to get your children to learn from the consequences of their own choices to be more responsible. If they are not becoming more responsible, if they are not learning to discipline themselves, maybe you need to take another look at your approach' (Michael & Terri Quinn, What Can a Parent Do? - A handbook for parents, Family Caring Trust, 1986).
To smack or not to smack?
The pressure is on many governments to make it a criminal offence for parents to smack their children in their own home. Some countries have already passed laws so that parents are left with no choice in this matter.
The pressure groups making such demands are rightly concerned about the high level of physical abuse in our society. It is important, therefore, that parents who decide to smack their children are extremely clear in their objectives and pure in their motives. If they are not, they could well be under suspicion.
How to discipline
Decide in advance what form of discipline you need for each of your children. After a series of verbal warnings, carry out the discipline without further warning. Whatever form of discipline you use after your final warning, consider the following important points:
* Discipline is not appropriate for foolish mistakes or carelessness. It is much better reserved for defiance or talking back.
* Discipline should not be carried out merely to vent your rage. If you are really angry, it is far better to punch a pillow or kick a cardboard box around before administering the discipline.
* Discipline is not an end in itself but a means to an end - sorrow and repentance on the part of the child and a determination not to be defiant again.
* Tears should be allowed to flow for as long as they represent a genuine release of emotion - perhaps two to five minutes. After that they can quickly become a weapon of protest, and the child needs to be told firmly to stop.
* Ideally, a cuddle and a time of reconciliation should always follow the discipline.
What's important to you?
Consider what are the most important reasons why you would discipline a child. Most parents know that safety comes at the top of the list. After all, what parent would let his/her child run out in the road without disciplining him?
Put the following aspects of discipline in their order of importance to you:
* Noise
* Mess
* Answering back
* Irritation
* Rudeness
* Selfishness
* Defiance
* Silliness
* Nuisance
* Cheekiness
A word for mothers
Dr James Dobson has some sound advice for mothers, who often have to face the daily battle of wills of their defiant son or daughter:
* Reserve some time for yourself.
* Don't struggle with things you can't change.
* Don't deal with any big problems late at night.
* Try making a list of things to do.
* Ask God for his help.
(For further reading see Dr James Dobson, Dare to Discipline, Kingsway 1971.)
(November 2007) (
