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We had an AWFUL thunderstorm in my area last night. Of course, it had to happen right at bedtime. While Thing One is no longer afraid to sleep in his room during storms, Thing Two (along with our dog) is starting to experience intense fear of thunderstorms.
As I lay in the bottom bunk of Thing One's bed (he generously offered his lower bunk to his sister so she wouldn't be afraid, alas, to no avail) with Thing Two and the family dog next to me, I thought "I can't wait until she outgrows this!" Realizing how frustrated (and tired) I was at that moment, I thought about other parents out there trying to figure out their child's fears and how to handle them.
Childhood fears are a normal part of development. As adults, we know that our fears will pass. Due to lack of experience, kids do not yet know this. The types of fear and how they cope with them changes with age. Here are some typical childhood fears for the various age groups:
- 5 to 10 Months - Fear of strangers ("stranger anxiety").
- 12 to 18 Months - Separation anxiety. Young children often fear being left in the care of others (making it very hard for us to leave them there!). This passes relatively quickly as the child becomes more comfortable with the new setting or caretaker. Be aware, separation anxiety can pop back up if the child is experiencing some sort of stress such as a move or a death in the family.
- 2 1/2 to 4 Years - Children in this age group are learning about the difference between reality and fantasy. Common fears include fear of the dark and/or monsters in closets or under the bed.
- 4 to 6 Years - Fears for children this age often include going to preschool/school and the water. Also common for this age is fear of nature, e.g., thunderstorms, hurricanes (even if you live in Nevada), and tornadoes. Last year, Thing One was afraid of the WIND (she was afraid it meant a tornado was coming). Needless to say, it was not a fun summer. Another common fear for this age group is bugs, e.g., spiders, bees, ladybugs, flies, etc.
- 6 to 11 Years - Common fears include severe weather and fear of doctors or dentists. Parents, be prepared for those 5 year shots on your next well child visit...all I can say is bring ear plugs.
- 12 and up - Fear at this age revolve mostly around social/peer relationships.
So as parents, what can we do to help our children work through their fear while keeping our own sanity? Here are some tips:
- Remember that these fears are VERY real to your child and that they have not yet had the life experiences to know that the fear is temporary.
- If your child is afraid of the dark, get them a night light or let them sleep with the light on.
- Don't discount their fears by saying things like "There is nothing to be afraid of." Would you want to hear that? Or would it be more helpful to hear something like "You are going to be all right, I'm right here with you." You get the picture.
- Be aware of how you react to things, i.e., if you scream when a bee comes near you, they will too.
- Don't tell them that they are acting like a baby and they need to be tougher. Talk about a blow to the self-esteem. To a child's ears this statement means "My mom and dad think I'm a loser."
- Keep in mind that the fears will pass with age and experience. For some kids, it may take longer so hang in there.
What fears did you have as a young child? How did your parents handle it? How do you help your child through his/her fears now? Please post any questions you may have as well as any tips for dealing with childhood fears. Here's to a good nights sleep!
Copyright © 2006, Jill S. Urbane. All rights in all media reserved. The content of this article may be forwarded in full without special permission provided it is used for nonprofit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, please contact Jill Urbane at www.thementormom.com. |
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4.76 (Highly recommend) from 16 votes |
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Re: Childhood Fears 101
We went through a horrible patch when DD1 was coming up to her 3rd birthday when she had nightmares (and a couple of night terrors) every night for 2 months. We tried the line "mummy & daddy would NEVER allow monsters in this house" (coz monsters were how she described what she was scared of), gave her a torch (the night light was already on), read the great book "Under the Bed" (where the monsters all run away coz they're scared of the child in the bed) and praying to Jesus (and showing her the Veggietales Video "Where's God when I'm Ssscared?" which includes a song "God is bigger than the universe, he's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV"). After two months of reassurance, sleeping on a camping mat by her bed til she'd stopped crying and was back asleep again, the monsters stopped being scarey and she would tell us they'd run away, or she'd jumped on a big horse and ridden away from them very fast. At the moment, 2 years later, they're coming back, hence why I looked up your article! Any more suggestions?
With regard to thunder, we love the stuff (DH & I) so until recently she just picked up on that. Now inevitably, from watching other kids, she's picked up that it can be scarey. Actually, it may have been a journey with me in the car when a storm started with thunder and lightening overhead, then progressed to hail stones by the bucketful. The t&l were ok but the hail was freaky and I struggled to hide that. After that I've had to resort to plan b. which is to explain that the safest place in a thunder storm is in a metal cage, and we own two of those with wheels on, so I let her sit in one of the cars on the driveway til the storm's passed (lightening always goes around the outside of a metal cage, so as long as you havent stuck your arm out of the window you should be just fine even if the car is struck). She just about copes, and she gets a great view of the storm.
She's gradually learning to cope with her main fear as she's getting older - loud noises she didnt make! We finally got to see a fireworks display this November 5th - hurray!
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but monsters aren't real
I started off by laughing with the monsters and shooing the monsters and it seemed to be fun at the time, but when it was time for him to go to sleep they would miraculously come back. I ended up telling my son that monsters weren't real and they were only in the movies and stories and sometimes his imagination would make them seem real. Because they aren't real, they can't hurt him. We will be in the loungeroom/bedroom, so we won't be far away. He still worries about the wardrobe doors being open(thank you monsters inc) and he used to ask me to close them, which I did. Now, he turns on his bedroom light, closes the doors, turns off his bedroom light and jumps into bed.
In regards to the thunder, I tell Luke that it's called weather; like the rain, lightning, wind, sun and moon...but it's noisey and everything is ok. He used to be scared of the water going down the bath plug hole...so we used to say goodbye to the water while he covered his ears. Eventually, he began to uncover his ears for as long as he could bear it, and now he pulls the plug out himself.
I would never dismiss a child's fear based on their imagination because I know how real it can appear, but bringing reason to them at their level is the way I address these fears.
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Related keywords: afraid, anxiety, bedtime, fear, fears, monsters, nightmares, scream, spiders, thunderstorm, thunderstorms
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(July 2006) (
She'll pass through it again. It isn't uncommon for these things to re-appear from time to time :)
