I was abused as a child physically, sexually and emotionally. My Doctor, when I was the age of 13 stood and told my mother I was allergic to school – yeah, I thought I was dreaming. Nobody knew why, only me, I never told a soul, it was a 
big secret. Although it happened to other family members, we never discussed it. We were ashamed and thought we deserved it. We thought we did wrong and it was our punishment.
I used to get to school and freeze, I felt everybody knew and they were laughing at me. Or maybe somebody that didn’t know could tell and I would loose everything. Yet I knew if I walked out those gates and I got caught, I would be black and blue. I would be filmed being raped and shut in my room. I’d only be allowed to use the toilet, have a drink, eat meals and go to school of course - I wasn’t to be in their faces.
Soon after, I could not take any more so I thought running away was the best option. I always went the same place though. I was always found and often arrested as I refused to go home and they had found me having self harmed. Eventually one night, my mother asked why I kept running away. It just so happened, that day it was because my step father had told me I had to give him a blow job and he would give me 50 cigarettes. She stood there in front of the police and called me a lying bitch. ‘How dare you say something like that, he would never hurt you.’ I said, ‘no, check his camcorder,’ and she just walked away.
That night, I was taken to the police station and arrested and told to think to be freed in the morning to a foster carer. My mother would not even speak to me she totally abandoned me. I was totally on my own in this strange house, with these strange people that were walking on eggshells around me. It was 2 months before my mother spoke to me. Ok I wasn’t being abused but I was just a girl I needed my mum, my family, but they were gone. It was just me, but after 2 months she agreed to talk to me on the phone. I never mentioned it again, I was too scared to. I needed her, every girl needs their mum right? Well NO, that isn’t exactly true, but at the time I thought I did.
Finally after about 7 months, I went home. Things were good for a week or so, and then he got used to me being back. I could not even take a shower without him coming in he would fiddle the lock and sit watching me. He said, ‘I helped u get revenge when you was attacked, and this is how you repay me.’ Once again I was wrong, so I had to pay the price. I moved out when I was 15 and I went to live with my boyfriends Nan. She was lovely, but I still saw them. He still hit me, he still manipulated me and he still even managed to rape me. Hard to believe, but true - my boyfriend worked 8-5.
Anyway we split when I was 17; I decided I simply didn’t love him. Anyway, I went to live in a hostel, still saw my mum, but not as often by this time. I had manic depression was cutting my arms, had taken many overdoses and tried jumping off buildings. I was hallucinating and having panic attacks, all because of them. They destroyed me finally. In the end, I told my partner, (who at the time was my friend). He encouraged me to go to the police and that it was wrong and needed to stop. He got me counselling also, but I never went. I never cut again, I never took another tablet and I cut all contact with my CPN.
Barry and I got together I started a new life with a beautiful step daughter and boyfriend and I AM HAPPY I don’t need my family I now have my own child and could not be happier. I can’t wash away my past, but I can live for my future and my kids - my kids will never have the childhood I had.
(December 2007) (
