Wow!!
I've become free to become me, I've freed up the burden of stress, of mess, and pushed myself forward with hope and happiness. Each day, I can see my life becoming more clearly focused on the positive, while cleaning up the dangling projects of years of unfinished
life business, both physical and emotional and in doing so, I've improved my ability to parent John, become really present in each day that is our gift to share with each other!
In previous advice, I've written about letting go, cleaning clutter when moving or changing life circumstances. This is part of my journey to let go of my past and find out who I am in the second half of my life, yes a process, yes I'll screw up, however I know for sure I'm moving forward. My sincere hope by sharing this personal information, some small part might of my confusion or life will help with someone else who is struggling with their past, with their clutter or, just might need to feel their confusion is ok, there is a way out, and most important, they are not alone in their individual pursuit of happiness and an offer of my strategy with no strings attached.
I said goodbye to my dear brother in a memorial mass January 11, 2007. I said good bye to the last of my family, my Mother's sister in May of 2007. I then found I had some serious medical conditions that lead me to loosing nearly 30lbs within a long haul of 9months. I call them my baby fat pounds, as pre-pregnant I was at 112, and afterwards ballooned to nearly 150lbs. Three friendships ended abruptly in silence, no employment since April 2007, my dear son being molested, dealing my own re-surfaced molestation emotions, with vengeance against the school to provide education and to provide a safety enviornment for John and obtaining an attorney to provide what I have not been able to do...as my son as of Tuesday and today is being harassed by the child that molested him, and I know about three other children asof tonight that were abused by the same child.
Make sure when talking to your kids about safety,sexual abuse that you include Children as molesters for 'exploration/play/doctor games' can change to abuse! Babysitters as well, know who what where and when, my son kept silent for a month, I had him hospitalized when in anger he drew a pare of scissors at me threating when I told him to clean his room. Find silent quiet times when they are playing to talk and learn to really listen to what your kids tell you..Believe your kid, be proud of them for telling you! I have re-inforced to John he has stopped this molester from hurting other kids, because he came forward and told!
All these life issues and more, coupled with the mess I was living emotionally and physically drained me of my spirit, my energy, and my ability to parent in a healthy manor. Simply put, I was not taking care of myself, so how could a take care of John or our home. How could I move forward with the anchors to the past weighing me down right along with the unhealthy pounds? All the while feeding my face due to stress and emotional pain for comfort and company...it didn't work. My cholesterol went up to 247, stroke level woke me up fast! My stomach was in an up roar, taking medicaitons for ulsers, depression overwhelmed me each day and came out in anger...I ate and ate and ate. I hate smoking and don't drink so I ate a 'see food diet' anything and everything I wanted with no control or will power to stop the food addiction.
A year later, I've found a new job, making movements towards a better life through education, cleaning up and clearing out the clutter in my mind, body and spirit. Once I sat and was quiet enough to stop hearing all that I 'should be doing' and making 'lists of what I should be doing' I got busy and Got The Job Done by Just Doing It! My faith continues to carry me, and my hard work is paying off with repairs to my home, a nice yard, less frustration and anger in all aspects of my life....Freedom from fear, just working through what scares me has really promoted the largest growth.
I started with a full body scan for any type of skin cancer due to my family's cancer history. I was so scared, cried like a baby all through the exam, naked with tears streaming down my face. I stopped eating 3 or 4 bowls of ice cream in one sitting, drank water with lemon, or hot water with lemon and honey instead of lots of juice or soda, decaf coffee or tea. Oatmeal with cinnamon, yogurt cut up apples for breakfast, this lead me to change other eating habits, no forced exercise, no forced routine, just watching portions, no more fast food. I am now at 120-125 lbs and wear a size 8 from a size 14/16. Next I will try to tighten up the 'flabbo' to tone what I can, what remains no problem! I can live in health, with myself and that is more important than whatever anyone else might think or feel about me. Me and my flab will just continue to swing in the wind from under my chin or arms or thighs, don't care, cause now I'm feeling energized, great and learning to live and fly!!!
In the same process, I've made huge gains on letting go of unused 'stuff' to give away or throw away. Since my dear Mother's death in 1994, all from my birth home remained in my garage. Dear Grammy Molly, my garage, Sept-father in my garage. Photo's furniture, books, dishes, sheets towels, glasses, all 'things' I thought no don't throw away you'll use them....They are all still packed!!! House first, next garage! I've let go of John's father, he will do what he wants, no longer will I try to get him to do what I think is best for John. I've learned all I can do is change myself, no one else. No longer will I deal with his abusive e-mails. No longer will I pester John to write to him, or to force a relationship that never existed from before John's birth, just because 'he is family'. Family can come in all different aspect of life....not always biological! It is still Love.
For the new year, I purchased two huge squared calendars to write all of John's activities, and to write what I accomplish each day, NOT what I should do each day. Tuesday, I wrote three letters to friends who I have avoided, due to what I consider hurtful behaviors or unkindness in my relationship with them. Extending out an olive branch, not letting their behavior off the hook, rather than silence, I expressed with honesty to let them know specifically my concerns, what I hope for our future relationship if that is to be...On my level of choosing forgiveness rather than carrying a resentment or continued falseor hurtful relationship. I did write from my heart, I held on to the letters for a second day, just to make sure I really did want to send them out. Am I scared, yes however one does not get anywhere by sticking their head in the sand, wondering and waiting for the other person to make a first move...risk is living life to its' fullest...good outcome, I have my friend back on a more honest level of understanding, no response this is good too as I will know exactly where I stand with no 'dangling endings'. Kind of like responding to an advice or post an opinion, I try to think before clicking a star or making a vote here at Minti, as there is no control of outcome from the other person. I can only be responsible to myself and respond to a post with respect for the other member. The letters were sent with No Expectations of getting a response. I've done the best I could to mend the relationships without sacrificing my beliefs or my integrity.
Friendships can be funny. A friendship that has grown, changed, evolved as I have as a person, and sometimes friends have to go away for a time, some friendships may or may not return, and some friends are better suited for different aspects within my life as an individual and as a parent to John. As the years increase, and as I've learned and changed through my life experiences, some old friends no longer have the same connection with me, and that is ok....just life in general changes our relationships as our specific needs change, this I think is what has brought about letting go of toxic relationships or friendships, I don't want to beat my head against a brick wall anymore just because "friend/relative" words mean loyalty or responsibility to me.Now loyalty or responsibility are for John and for me and for our lives together.
So, I offer....if a friend does you harm or some really hurtful act against you, let go by doing nothing Until You Are Ready. Then, when you are ready to call, write, or face to face, be sure you've wrestled with the event, what your part of the event responsibility is and know what you want for an outcome. The other person may or may not welcome your honesty, may not want to be a part of the solution and may harbor resentments that you have no control over. Slowly over the years, I've learned I can not control, nor change, or fix anyone but myself by looking honestly at my attitude, my behavior or my daily life actions to those I encounter...friends or strangers alike. I can not cause a person to drink, I can not control a person from drinking, and I can not cure a person from drinking....this Allanon advice I now use in everyday life, with life events, while looking for my own motive before I take an action.
Kindness in all aspects of life, forgiveness of self and others, and just trying to be 'nice or polite'. A kind act to a stranger goes a long way. Tonight, shopping I purchased a bag of life savers, I shared one with the clerk who checked me out...she looked so tired. No big deal, but it might just help her to deal with a nasty customer, or smile once, or help someone else that crosses her path...who knows...
Also, becoming aware of what is happening to me that is good, might be a sore spot for another: my 25 pound weight loss does not have to be dumped on my friend who has gain considerable weight...over 50lbs. Having a job I love vs. a friend who absolutely hates her job, and feels trapped because she has to stay and support herself and her child does not need to be rubbed in by talking about how happy I am. Another friend who has no children, is saddened by this doesn't need to know all about John and what he is doing to rub into her pain of not having children. Sharing information doesn't have to go to all, as I have John, and showing him the positive is all the reward I really need.
Someone's pain, is not 'understood exactly' because I don't walk in their shoes and can not be fixed by me as I don't live their lives or live within their head. Empathy for their situation of loss, or pain will goes much farther than "I know exactly how you feel". Or, this what you need to do is a large part of where I used to be. I avoided looking at my own life problems by trying to fix someone else, or fix their problems. This is what I now call Life Denial. Denial of Taking Care of My Responsibility to Me and as a Parent To John. Offering advice, trying to fix a situation, or giving help unless asked can be an insult to the other person. I'll listen, I'll care, and I'll be there to help when asked or an opinion when asked. No More unsought advice!
I can help without draining myself, or feeling resentment or frustration when or if the person does not do what "I think is right". I can now say, sorry I can't talk now, or not answer my phone during dinner to focus on John alone. I'm hurting John inadvertently at times by focus on another person because I've no energy to give him what he needs or do fun activities, or be short in the patient area with him when I'm frustrated by something that has nothing to do with him at all.
Displaced anger or frustration I've found is an area of my life that needs improvement. I'm finding myself really wanting to do better in this area with John and have really made an effort to 'spend time with him' focused conversation over dinner, doing fun activities together, and then before bed time, more conversation of what 'His' best and worst of the day. He asks me the same and the opportunity that arises for really good conversation, concerns or fears being removed, and then finally, prayer to end the day with gratitude and thanksgiving for all that we have been blessed with..good and bad.
Without the bad or hard times, how does one have the ability to know and the will to seek or feel spontaneity, joy and the happiness in our lives each day. Living in the present, as each day is a gift!!
