ADVICE RATING |
  4.49 (Worth a try) from 10 votes (357 Visits) |
When I met my husband, I became step mother to a 16 year old boy. At the age of 22 myself, this was new and uncharted territory for me, without any experience we learned together and have become a very happy family. Ok so I thought I would give advice
on what made our relationship easier, I have read several excellent articles on step families but coming into a family with teenagers can be a little different to coming into one with younger children.
Do not be the disciplinerian: I found myself wondering how to define my role in the family. At the age of 16 I felt my step son didn't really need another parental authority figure in his life. Discipline is one thing I learnt - leave it to the natural parents. A teenager can be very resentful of any interference into their life 'Your not my mother', 'Im a grown up, you can't tell me what to do'. If you find yourself with an issue that needs raising, wait and allow the natural parent to do it.
Make allowances: I personally never felt this, but I have friends who are step parents who found it hard to accept that their partner loved and wanted to spend time with their children. Just as this important to small children, it is just as important to a teenager. Teenagers may be away at uni, or act very grown up, but they still need to feel the love and attention from their parent. Make sure your partner and their child get to spend time together without you, as it is important for their relationship.
Always welcome: I made sure that my step son knew he was always welcome at our home, that it was his home.. that it didnt matter, whenever he wanted to come and stay, he didnt need to think twice about it. I think this especially important when you have small children, as they can easily feel left out of your new little family. Treat them with respect, give them privacy and include them in any activities your doing (but don't be offended if they don't want to join in!).
Be their friend: I am now very close to my step son, Im near him in age so we can talk about music, gigs he's going too and what he and his friends like. My step son now confides in me. As a step parent you can become the person that cares and gives advice without being as scarily judgemental as the natural parent. My step son now tells me things he doesn't tell his Dad and asks for my advice, with is a great priveledge.
Make an effort to be there for important occasions: When my baby was 2 months old, it was her big brothers 18th birthday. Now I didnt really feel up to going, but they had a huge family party for him. So we drove 500 miles to be with him on his special day, to show that he was just as important to his Dad as his new baby (and to me too). I know he appreciated this very much.
Treat them equally: If you have other children treat them all equally. Obviously I have to treat mine a bit differntly as one is 19 and one is 2! What I mean is spend equal amounts of money on them at christmas and birthdays, care about what is going on in both lives. I never refer to my step son as Ruby's half brother, he is always introduced to people as her brother, which he much prefers.
Keep going when it gets tough, the step family is a very rewarding one, and with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the step family is now part of everyday life. I have tried my hardest, and I think its paid off. My step son reported back to his mother and grandmother that I was 'very kind to him'... for a teenage boy who doesnt say much, I can say this praise made me very happy indeed!
(January 2008) (
