Something that happened over the christmas holiday was that my "father" became very ill. He and I don't talk, I have had alot of issues with him and his abuse. He is an alcoholic and a smoker. He is also a compulsive liar and a big spender. 
But when I found what happened I got unnerved. My brother and sister were upset and not sure how to feel.
I found out that the he had gone to the ER the weekend before New Years. He had been feeling really ill and had not eaten much. While they were doing all these tests, they found out that he had a massive infection in his colon. They were going to do a laproscopic surgery to look and see what was going on. Well, the next day I had taken out my brother and sister and that's when my brother got some bad news. Our step mom told him that they found something really bad in his intestines and had to have major surgery. I told them that he was seriously ill and could die. They were almost in tears. My brother just completely shut down and my sister, you could read it all over her. The whole time we were together I could just tell they were thinking about him. He is not the nicest, fairest, nor most honest person, but he is their dad, and for that they love him. Well, I dropped them off and my stepmom told me what we already knew. I called my sister the next day and found out that he had to have more then half of his colon removed and he was now using a colostomey bag. He is supposed to have surgery in several months to have his colon reattached. He was not out of the woods yet, he had to stay for a week to recover and he was having problems with his insicion healing properly. On top of that he was having breathing problems...He is a mess...
Thing is, when I was first told about how sick he was, and what was happening, I knew that this was the begining of the end for him. He either would get worse, or it would shock him to change how he lived. I don't know which one he is doing, but I hope it's the for the better. I have thought alot about him passing lately, and honestly I do not think he will be alive much longer. His health is really bad, and this just showed it. But when he does pass, will it be quickly or will he go slowly, getting sicker and sicker over a period of time. For me, I wish for him to pass quickly.
I worked for a hospice company and would read the charts and see how painful it is for families to watch their loved one slowly die. It's a horrible thing to have to see, let alone have it happen to your family. Even reading here on Minti there are members who have to watch their loved ones slowly fade away. But how do you deal with the failing health of a loved one and still try to have a normal life? I don't think you really can, at least not at first. But there are steps that you can take to make sure that when the time comes, you are not overwhelmed with loose ends, and instead can focus on the family member and your feelings and grief.
One very important thing is to know what you are going to do when your parent needs care. Whether it's them living with you and having a nurse and aid come into the home or having the go into a convelecent home there are some things to consider. If they live with you, will you be able to be there anytime there is something wrong, when either the nurse or aid can't be there? Could they get serious hurt if they were to fall or could you make the house, or part of it safe for your parent. Is there a phone near by that they can use in the event of an emergency? Many people become bedbound, and thus have no access to a phone when left alone. As well as their personal care needs, could you change them, feed them, bath them regularly? If you wish to put them in a care facility the big question is can you afford it? Insurance will only care for a certain amount, then the rest need to be paid for by the family. The plus side is that they are staffed 24/7 so it there is ever anything wrong, there is someone there and they can care for your parent when you can't be there. And in the even of an emergency, many facilities have basic equipment to tend to your parent.
The next major thing is funeral arrangements. Do you have a burial plot, or do they wish to be creamated? Do they have that in their will or in writing there last wishes? This is important, as many family want to respect what they wish after they die. Also most places wish that the plot be paid for in advance. And this way you don't have to worry about paying for that when the funeral arrangements are made. The more you can pay for ahead of time, the easier it will be when that sad day comes.
Are your parents finances in order? Do you know what's still owed on any credit cards or loans? How will they be paid if there is a balance? Many families are left with large debts from their parents and are unable to pay them off, thus having to sell prised possesions to do so. What about the house, if they own one. Will is have to be sold?
One major thing is do they have a last will and testoment? This will outline where all their property will go. I'm sure no one wants to have to go to probate court to fight over their moms cherished clock or their fathers pocket watch. If it's written out, then it will be much easier, as you will be able to see who is left with what. Espcially if they have large property, like houses, cars, etc. I have heard many horrible fights happen over who gets the house or the car, and many family torn apart over it.
Finally, does you parent need a Power of Attorney for their care and assests? Some families find themselves in the situation where their parent suddenly becomes so ill that they can no longer care for themselves, or make their own decisions. That is where either the spouse or children come in to make the desicions for them. Problem is not everyone is going to agree about what to do all the time. In this instance, much needed care can be delayed and the outcome a tradgity. It's best to have a Power of Attorney or such appointed before they become to ill. So that if or when they can no longer make desicions for themselves, someone is already appointed and care can go uninterupted. Mind you this is not a simple task, and often family can fight who has this power, it is best to consult a lawyer with any reguards to this matter.
I know it's not something we want to think about it, but it is a reality of life. After what I dealt with this past month, it got me thinking. And I'm glad that I have a basic idea of what needs to happen when that day gets closer. It's a very tough thing to have to handle, having a loved on ill or dying, and then to have to think of all the legal and financial parts of it can sometimes be to much. The sooner you can get those out of the way and inline, the more time you can have tending to the family and loved one.
(February 10th) (
