I agree with you 100 %. A lot of my trouble comes from the expectation to give everything that I have to my stepchild, to treat him as my own with open arms, and then be expected to sit quietly through the rudeness and tantrums, and nastiness until daddy comes
home.
I told my husband finally that when you send the child to school do you expect the teacher to let the child do whatever they want . Not to say anything, or punish them and then read you a list when you come to pick him up? No he doesn't, he expects them to give time outs, and detention, and write sentences. So every year a new stranger is allowed more freedom in raising a child than I am.
Why? Because I had the nerve to allow his father to love me as much as the child? Becaue he's jealous he doesn't have daddy all to himself? Well if his father had married his mother he would have to share him with his mother... so what freaking sense does that make? Oh but then he'd have a family, people say. Believe me I'm the last person to blame for his dad not being with his mom. I came along years after that mess. And excuse me, I did not take his family away. Not my fault. Beside I am his family, because I married his father. The kid has more family now than he knows what to do with. And much happier family.
Or is it, because I'm not his maid and ask him to pick up his toys and clothes? Because I make vegetables for dinner and never drive him threw McDonald's? Because I only buy him presents when he's been good and not because he feels bad?
Or the favorite one because I haven't earned the child’s trust by proving my love for him. This is the one that irritates me the most. My stepchild will walk into any class room or any daycare or spend time with any babysitter or any stranger and they will have more authority and have earned more trust in five mins than I have in the past 4 years. Because the child instantly knows, 'this is a new person and everything I do is cute to them. They will think everything I do is great or at least pretend to.' What's the difference? Well that person doesn't have to take the child home forever and they are usually paid to be with your child.
I have earned his trust more than any of those people and you know why? Because I'm one of the people that help clothe him, and feed him, and gets him to school. I teach him manners, and help with his homework. If I didn't care, if I didn't love, I would let him sit in front of the TV eating McDonalds and Ice Cream and never take him to school. I wouldn't lift a finger and I wouldn't spend a dime. Goodness knows that would be a lot easier.
But do I really love him as I would love my own child? Honestly, No, I don't. I probably never will. Maybe when he's older. But as now there is nothing that relates me to him except my love for his father. If his father wasn't the most wonderful husband and if I didn't love him to pieces , I could never see the kid again and it would be too soon. I know it sounds awful. And even though I feel that way, I would never in a million years say it to the child. I would never say it to his mother. I would tell his father because he is my husband and I will not lie to him, no matter how awful it is, that is who I am. He knows and he loves me still because even though I feel that way, I don't let the child know. Not to say I never am obviously annoyed by or sort with his son. but I do not say mean things to him. i do not want to make him feel bad.
We agreed on certain consistent punishments for his son. That way he knows what the punishment is no matter who administers it. And is the child doesn't like it? Well if he liked it it wouldn't be a punishment. No matter who he is with, he has to obey the rules. Why? Because he is the child and he doesn't ever tell me or anyone, "I can be bad because you aren't my mother." And we really aren't that strict, because he gets a lot of warnings before any punishment happens.
As for the mother. In that aspect we are lucky and unlucky. As far as I'm concerned she will do as she does when she has him, and my husband and I will do as we do when we have him. The less we interact, the less conflict we have. I think trying to control things in a household where you can't be is impossible and leads to arguments and bitterness. We always tell her what we do but the truth is there is not way to make her do anything. Even if she says she does she is normally lying. I never bring her up to her son, I never say anything bad about her. If her son says something about something she said, I ignore it and ask him how school was. Any and all of the mommy said this, and mommy said that and mommy does this, and mommy lets me.... Instant response "How was school today?" "Who do you like better Patrick or Sponge Bob?" Anything.. he doesn't normally bring her up anymore like that unless he's desperate. Because it doesn't work with me.
Truth be told she doesn't upset me that often and certainly not over my stepson. If I get upset it's about something she said to my husband. So my stepson's "Mommy said ...' Doesn't bother me, because I already know I'm better than her. I'm not jealous of her. I look at her life and I look at mine. I look at her decisions and I look at mine, and I'll take my life over hers any day of the week. Plus, I’m smarter, classier, better educated, prettier, thinner and much younger.
So mostly with bio mom unless the conversation includes something to do with homework left at on house or another, all his shoes are at your house, etc. there is practically no communication. This is a split family, not an extended family and I will not have my husband's baby-momma (b/c she is not his ex-wife or ex g/f or anything like that) living partially out of our lives. I really don't believe that it benefits the child any to have their split parents chummy all the time. I think it confuses them mostly. It is important to be civil, but we never get together for Starbucks.
(February 2008) (
