Thanks Kellz

I did try hard and had to choose my words very carefully, especially after WWII I didn't want to be the cause of WWIII, lol.

Thanks for reading.  I don't see the point in arguing with other people's opinions because people will only listen if they want to.  I have learnt from my experiences that shouting and screaming and being rude and abusive to others doesn't work, so you won't get any trouble out of me, my tabs are too strong, lol.

Good luck with Harrison and if you ever run out of ideas always ask another mum they are normally the best source of information.

Totally agree, the way I see it is that if someone was to hit you how would you feel or react.......so why should a child feel any different to you.     I also agree that it is difficult for a lot of people to be calm,after I learnt that losing my temper was making me feel suicidal I had to take medication to help me stay calm, so in effect I think I'm cheating a bit at the good parenting role which is why I understand how other people feel who are struggling or not. 

So I'm not here to judge but to help if I can.  

dont worry, i dont think you're judging :)

but yeah, this topic has so many different sides to it...
i guess when it comes down to it, every situation has a context, so every situation's different :)

all we can do now is support each other with our decisions...
because im sure everybody here does the best that they can :)

thank you for bringing up a very important topic, with some excellent points xox

Thanks Tee

Yep I know those tantrums are just so bad my one used to bash his head on the floor and it used to make me wince to hear the thump so the only way I could put a stop to that was to put him in his bed/cot and at least he was safe enough to trash it out in there, without me giving it my attention in case I had to dial 999.   But I was never far away I would sit on the stairs and wait...........but I know some kids do a lot worse so whatever you need to do to keep them safe from themselves, do it. 

That is where the problem is I think a lot of the alternatives we try are difficult to implement.  I remember when I first learned about time out I thought brilliant finally an answer to all my probs but it wasn't, you will find what works for you but never stop looking around for other ways or even asking other mums what methods worked for them and how long it took before it started working.  I will put down the methods I used and how long they took to work or if they were very effective or not.

I mean a lot of it can just be common sense for example if you know your one and a half year old has just started to walk and will do a runner in the shops or start attacking the items on the lower shelf then put them in a trolley and keep them occupied with food or shopping or books.   I mean people who leave dangerous substances in low cupboards without a child lock is asking for probs a young child can't tell the difference between a bottle of bleach and a bottle of lemonade.   I hope you get my jist.

i understand what your saying and i agree we have child proofed the home and silly thing like spilling drinks and knocking things over or getting into my makeup and what i smack over they are things we deal with with words it doesnt work but we still try every day.

i would like to add i was abused by my mum both phsyically and menatll as a child to even now.

hey liz, that whole hold em down trick works a charm hey, used to use that with logan for the tantrums when he was younger. he hated sitting still. no wonder he is so blinkin strong now he and us got a real workout with that. ::) the no thing works with rhiannon, she rarely needs anything futher. wish i knew how to stop the constant sooking when she dosn't get her way though. she is such a girly girl....grrr! hehe ::)'s hope you are well. - becca!

Your a brilliant mum I know dealing with autism is very difficult and even though I have never actually experienced it myself I have watched programmes about it and my friends who have autistic children say it's a whole different set of rules when you deal with them. 

When my mum hit me I only had two very vivid memories of what happened the first was almost smashing my head on the fireplace and the second was when I was older at a guess I must have been 10 and she went for me but I hit back and my dad had to step in and protect me.   But if you were to see us now we are so close I only really understood why she did what she did when I had children myself, but for me I want to change the cycle of history and do things differently.  I hope you understand.  Thanks Maria xxxx

i understand.

My mum used to kick the back of me knees to dislocate them and throw cups at me hit me with a paddle and wodden spoons till my skin split. I have never forgiven my mum and i wont. she has in no way made an apploigy and thinks she had done nothing wrong. I also was locked in my room alot and this happened untill i was 17.

OMG Libby I am so sorry to hear this. 

Hi Arna

My friend will never forgive or forget I'm afraid, but she has done things differently more so because she never wants to be like her mother was.  She has four beautiful children and one who is my goddaughter but they are lovely children they have never misbehaved when I have been there or baby sat them.  My friend does moan about them though but then nothing is perfect, lol.

Yep I've done that when I'm at breaking point I would go somewhere away from the situation and try and calm down because I knew that when I got angry I lost any ability to restrain myself.   And both my breakdowns were caused by my anger and both times it was because I got myself into a fight with another adult.   Anger doesn't work for me I'm afraid.

You know the hardest bit for me was feeling alone, I didn't know who I could turn to for help or advice, so I am hoping after I add a bit more to my advice there will be somewhere for people to go to.

Thanks Cazza

Rewards charts are brilliant once you get them going and the children know what they have to do to get those gold stars.  I loved the sense of pride they got when they got their stars. 

My mum never verbally abused me but it's a shame because the only lesson I got in how to be a mother was from her, she wasn't all bad just had her breaking points, my mum and dad used to fight like cat and dog but I'd always take my mum's side.  It is only now as an adult I can see their individual human strengths and weaknesses and that they were both just dealing with a situation the only way they knew how to.  I still love them dearly.

Ok fair enough,..,

For me i am my childrens and other childrens protectors in my house and would not allow no one to land a hand on them while they are under my roof...

xx cazza

Thanks Janice

The message I am trying to get across is to try other ways and not to give up.

I just hope it all makes sense, lol.

Thanks Cass you're a brilliant mum, god I could have done with some advice from you two years ago, lol.   I afraid repeating yourself is part and parcel of teaching young ones it takes a very long time for the message to sink into their little grey cells.

I hope the time out method works for you but I have a feeling it will, because you'll be sooo good at it.

Yep, teenagers a whole different way of dealing with them and I'm still learning.  When my 11 year old is rude or misbehaves I find the ignoring him for ages method works and eventually he knows he's upset me but he doesn't apologise but tries making polite conversation so I use that opportunity to tell him why I'm upset.  Can't really hit him he's as tall as me and knows karate, lol.

Thank you Rue xxxxxx

you are a bloody honest woman, kudos for that hey. ::)'s

I am really sorry if I have upset anyone with this I am not here to criticise whatever works for a parent then good luck to them,  I just remember what I felt like a few years ago when I was losing it and pulling my hair out and locking myself in the toilet and crying (maybe that was part of my depression) but now I have found a different way to do things I am happier in myself and hopefully my kids feel better for it.

Please dont think you have upset me in the slightest. I meant what I said, this is GREAT advice!

I am not saying it's a crime to teach your children right from wrong if smacking works for you then fine, I just want to help those parents who are struggling with the smacking and want to find alternatives like I did a few years ago.

Being a mum has been the toughest job I have ever done and none of us ever get any training to prepare us for what we may face.  I have had failures and successes and yes I agree with any mum who has struggled to find ways in which to cope. 

I think what was the turning point for me was when my youngest started nursery and the first thing he said to the teacher was " I'm a naughty boy", that made me realise how far I had gone and was the day I decided to change the way I did things forever.  And it wasn't easy trying to find another way that worked especially when I thought that what I had been doing was ok.  A friend of mine suggested a reward chart it took me a week before I could convince him that he was not naughty but needed to focus on his good behaviour it took a while(two weeks aprox) but it worked and eventually he was proud of all the good things that he did and the bad things were not given too much attention just a "well we will have another go at being good" and trust me this was hard to do to not give the bad behaviour too much attention and go over the top when he was good, but I got the hang of it in the end and it soon became easy.   Time out doesn't always work I agree because if you have to do it time and time again it just reinforces their bad behaviour and so they label themselves as being bad and think that is the way to behave (well at least as long as it gets mummys attention).

I wish you all the luck in being a mum and as a fellow mum I do understand where you're coming from.  Love Maria xxxx

Thanks I hope it helped.

Thanks Helen I liked the one about smacking your hand, good idea. I am happy to take any donations or suggestions anyone may have to help. 

I'm afraid I have always smacked in anger because I've generally been pushed too far so I have had to find alternative ways before it got to that point.

Thanks Em I know you already know the rule about 1 minute for every year of your life, lol, I heard you talking to Clay about it, lol.   I admit I'm not an expert on child rearing I just want to help people who may be going through what I went through and find another way. 

Forgot to mention about the reward chart, doh, there is just too much to cover on this subject.

I have flipped in the past as well and I would support any mother who may be struggling to discipline their child, I agree the younger they are the harder it is, but if you are willing to look hard enough there are alternatives. I am going to browse for some links to add to my advice which will hopefully offer mums alternatives that may help.

Thanks for reading xxxx

with my eldest we had very few alternatives presented to us (curious as to how you teach a young child say under 1 and a half, about danger without shocking it into them) my daughter however is 16 months old and the fact that she can talk quite well helps loads simply because she can understand what we say to her and we understand what she wants straight away. once they can talk everything becomes so much easier. ::)

When mine were younger than 2 years the way I avoided having to discipline about dangers around the house was to make sure it was danger proof ie: plug socket covers, child proof cupboard locks, stairgates and blocking off any areas where electrical equipment was.  So I didn't really have any real problems with discipline till after 2 years of age but by that time they had learnt they were not allowed in cupboards etc.

yer i know lots of people who use that but they have had problems when they got to remove the barriers. not really sure why... we have live wepons (bladed) in our house logan touched one (sheathed) once when he was a baby, smacked him on the hand and he has never touched it since. rhiannon lern't not to touch it from logan telling her. never really liked the idea of locking myself out of my cupboards and puting things away just cause i have kids, that would make it so much harder when we go visit rellies who have breakeables and dangerous things everywhere. actually it would be like that wherever you went that didn't have barriers wouldn't it?? sorry for all the questioning just curious. ::)'s

Yes that's true it was a problem taking them out to relatives because there were no barriers there, good point, I'll have to give that one another think...........thanks.

I can understand your reasoning here (excuse me for interjecting) but i must admit when draws are being pulled out, cd cases ruined and things get broken i get totally fed up and i have just put locks on all the cupboards.  Pre children i had different ideas, now i want as less stress as possible because three kids provide enough on their own, so if it means one less thing i have to clean up or trip over...great!

no probs ::) more the merrier! so how do you handle the whole rellie and friend house thing who dont put stuff away for your children? and the shopping centres and all the other places where children need the whole look but not touch thing? sorry if it sounds a bit wierd i's just really curious how that side of the lock everything away strat works??

I don't remember having any probs in the shops area because my children went in a trolley and I gave them things to handle as I did my shopping so as to make the whole trip a lot less boring for them.  There is no doubt that kids are hard work but if you can put the effort in there are other ways.  But like I said before whatever works for you keep it.

my kids never fell for the distraction, so was kind of forced into using other methods. this has turned out to be quite an interesting and informative article, origatou!! ::)

You are right this is a great debate.

As far as shopping centres, friends houses etc go i tend to use distractions of other toys, food or whatever.  I think my main point is -  there is stuff i can't put away , my house isn't totally locked up  and i do have to tell him not to touch certain things or not to do certain things....you know such as climbing (which he is brill at!), getting into pot plants and twisting the buttons on the stereo.  But to keep my sanity most cupboards have child locks on them for safety and so I'm not constantly picking up.

I can understand about the boundaries but i think they eventually do learn them and in the mean time I'm not going too crazy.  There is always something they'll find a way of getting into but if i can minimize it  that works for me.