Obedience - Using the Exclusion Method

What do you do when your child becomes defiant and blatantly refuses to do what you ask or what is expected of them?

Depending on the circumstances, how they feel and how you feel, many emotions may come to your mind which will suggest varied responses to "No I

wont do it" "I don't care" and when they show you bold disrespect.

We could run a poll and see what the most common responses you may use but the following will often be up there:

• Get angry and yell at the child (a tried and true basic animal instinct often used as a first resort for our world leaders)
• Give in and avoid the conflict and effort (an easy option that allows you to get back to what you were doing even if it means doing the same next time)
• Threaten and possible use of physical encouragement (smacking etc, often the second resort used by our world leaders)
• Calmly explain why you want them to do as they are told and why they should do so (What Dr Phil would tell you to do)
• Offer a reward if they do as they are told (reward their bad behavior)
• Offer a bribe if they do as they are told (create an instant reward for their bad behavior)
• Theaten and possible removal of privelages 

There is another option that we have found works well for us while our children are still young (8 and 5) and we have used this method from the very beggining and still has great effect. We call it "Out of the loop" (exclusion method). whenever one of our lovely little boys gets a little uppetty and defiant we (sometimes half jokingly) warn they will be out of the loop if they continue their bad behaviour. The warning is often enough but there are times when we have to announce that one of them is out of the loop.

What does this mean?
When you are out of the loop you are not involved in regular family activites such as playing games, current conversations, trips to the shops, using toys and devices that encourage solitude (computers, music players, playstations and other gaming consoles). You are sent to your room sometimes however it is sometimes more effective if you are stuck on the outside looking in. You are still fed and talked to for basic functions until you are let back in the loop.

How do you get back in the loop?
All you have to do is comply with the behavior you were requested to display. If if was bad behavior you would be have to explain what you did wrong and why it was wrong. If it was a function (chore) you did not do you would have to do it and with a good attitude. If it was because of a feud you would have to appologise to each other and so on.

Always provide a way back into the loop.

• Never set demands the child will not agree to (some world leaders do this when they actually want a conflict)
• Set demands they will learn from (get them to explain why they were excluded)
• Set demands that caress their pride (this is important for those stubborn types)
• Set demands that that teach responsibility without blame. (Focus on understanding the wrong behavior and not who committed it)

We have tried all the methods mentioned here and find that mild exclusion (Out of the loop) is the most productive and least disruptive to the daily family routines.

I hope this advice can be of some help to you too.