I'm writting this article as therapy!  But I must warn anyone who reads this, it is my experience as it happened and some of it I'm sure will be hard to read, as I found it very difficult to write........

It's three and a half years since I lost

my baby, but some days it still feels like yesterday.

For those of you who don't know me : I'm Lisa.  I'm 32.  I have two girls.  I miscarried my 2nd pregnancy in March 2005, at about 13  weeks ( a few days before my first scan).

Caitlin, my eldest was born in mid November 2003, by C section.  After I had Caitlin I didn't go back on the pill we used condoms.......

BUT, on two occassions we didn't use any protection, and I fell pregnant.  Caitlin was 14 months old, and I was going to have two babies under two!

I was shocked, but excited about having another baby.  My due date was calculated by my Dr as 10th October 2005.

I contacted the community midwife that I had been allocated in my previous pregnancy myself, and she did my booking notes and organised my first scan date.

I felt ok, as I did in my first pregnancy.  Occasionally feeling sick, actually being sick on a couple of occassions, which I wasn't in my first pregnancy.  But, growing and showing early, as I did before.

I never thought that I would miscarry.  One of my closest friends has had a number of miscarriages and now I am in total wonder of her strength, as I don't feel I coped / cope very well.

The day I started to bleed, was a few days before my first scan.  I woke when Caitlin woke, and went to the loo to find that I was bleeding, not too heavily, but more than spotting.

I phoned my Mum who lives in the same street.  She immediately came round and told me to get back in bed and not move!

She phoned the Dr and he sent an ambulance!

It was like a horrible dream, I was in a daze.

In A&E they did a pregnancy test, which was positive and they booked my in for a scan the next day (which was a Saturday), they then send me home under strict instructions that I go to and remain in bed.  At this time the bleeding had stopped.

I knew when I got to hospital the next day...  I knew what they were going to say....

I was bleeding again and this time more than before.  The only good thing was that because it was Saturday I was not scaned in the maternity department where there were lots of expectant Mum's.  I was in the general scanning department that was used by the early pregnancy unit at the weekends.

'Are you sure you're nearly 13 weeks?  I'm sorry....  Baby is there, but there's no heartbeat.  It looks like you've had a missed, the baby looks about 8 weeks, maybe 9 or 10 at the most.' 

www.womens-health.co.uk/miscarriage/missed.html

I had been carrying my baby around thinking everything was fine, but my baby had died weeks before!

I cried, I apologised, I cried some more...

I was offered a D&C, but couldn't  cope with the thought of having a GA, as I hadn't had one before and I couldn't take it all in!!  They sent me home and said I would be saved a bed until midnight if I wanted to come back, if not, I was to see my Dr on Monday.

www.tiscali.co.uk/lifestyle/healthfitness/health_advice/netdoctor/000395.html

www.oxfordeyehospital.nhs.uk/documents/leaflets/generalanaesthetic.pdf

I was ok one minute and a blithering wreck the next, that night I fell asleep and woke at about 230am in agony and in a pool of blood!

I phoned the hospital, but they had released my bed!  And so, I was admitted to a 'mixed' surgical assessment ward!  The staff were fantastic on this ward, Craig slept like a cat curled up on the end of my bed!

I had intravenous morphine and the 'gynie' registrar visited me early that day, I had a horrible internal examination, but the female Dr kept checking I was ok and stopped and started again if I was uncomfortable or in any pain.

The nurses on this ward were a lot more understanding than on the 'gynie' ward, where I was moved to as there became a bed available....

I had another scan as they couldn't decide if I needed a D & C now!!!!  Then another internal, from a Dr who was obviously totally hardened to the situation, as she was unsypathetic and didn't stop when I was in discomfort, she just kept saying ....'it's got to be done!'

 Eventually, it was decided that I was to have a D&C.  I was the first in theatre on the Monday afternoon.  I had started to bleed on the Friday and now after three days I was taken into theatre!!  I was terrified!

The theatre staff and porters were fab.  I was scared in the entrance to theatre and kept saying don't put me to sleep yet I've just got to tell you this......  I was scared about not waking up, as I'd never had a GA before, and what if something went wrong and I couldn't have any more children, although I felt that I'd never want children again I also knew in the back of my mind that I would!!!!!!

I waffled to sleep!!!  Then the next thing I knew I was awake!!!

The poor student nurse in the recovery room was given twenty questions, as she was the first person that I saw when I woke........

I then had to go back to the ward, fill in loads of paperwork, and have something to eat and keep it down before I could be discharged.  I ate some toast and had a drink, I felt sick, but wasn't actually sick............  I think that was more to do with the fact that I had miscarried than the anaesthetic.  Then i had decisions to make regarding, what happens next......

I signed for a postmortem, to see if there was a reason for me losing my baby, but I REFUSED to have baby used for teaching and testing, I couldn't bare that thought.......  So I signed a request for a short service to be held at the local crematorium, with the hospital Chaplin, once the postmortem tests were over.  This was offered free by the hospital, who organised the date and time for us.  I felt that this would help me and my family grieve for the little angel we never met......

www.womens-health.co.uk/miscarr.htm

It was about eight weeks before I heard anything about the postmortem results, the receptionist phoned me from my doctor's to tell me that they couldn't find a reason for my loss........  I cried..........  A LOT........  The receptionist made me an appointment to see the doctor, but that didn't help because he couldn't tell me much more, only what I didn't really want to hear, that what was taken from me in the D & C operation was mainly placental material, and that appeared normal! 

So, was it my fault?, what had I done?, why hadn't I asked for a D & C straight away?, these questions and more whizzed around my head, and sometimes still do........  I can't answer them, no one can, when I think of these things my chest hurts really bad, I feel sad, guilty, sick..........  All these feelings are normal, so I've been told, but they have never left me, and even now it still hurts..............................................

www.bellaonline.com/articles/art34075.asp

We had a ceremony at the crematorium, I ordered three ivory roses of different sizes tied with fine pink and blue ribbon, from my local florsts, and cried when I collected them........ They had done exactly what I hoped for, they were a simple and beautiful arrangement, which signified Craig, myself and Caitlin.  At the crematorium we were met by the Chaplin who had a tiny white coffin with him, with a name plaque which said our family name on it as we didn't know the sex of our little angel (although, I think we lost a little man).  I was so pleased that I had decided to have a service, because I felt it helped me and my family, especially as Craig carried the coffin, and the service, although short was significant and to us all.

I still have the order of service that the Chaplin kindly gave to us, and we can visit the childrens garden in the crematorium grounds, whenever we want to, if we want to, which we occassionally do.  I especially like to go in early October, when baby would have been having a birthday.  I haven't had any formal counselling, even though it was offered on numerous occassions, because I don't think it's appropriate for me (mainly because I'm trained in counselling myself), but I'm sure this helps many people and is extremely beneficial.

Although I felt I'd never have another baby, because of the fear of losing one again, I did.......  Emily was born towards the end of October 2006, via a very quick and painful natural delivery!!  I was nervous and worried all through my pregnancy, but Caitlin has a little sister, and I decided to have another child for her as much as for Craig and myself.

So now my little princesses are approaching five and two years of age and are thriving.  When I look at them I feel such love that I can't rule out having another child, I don't think that I will have another, but I won't let Craig go for the snip yet!!!  In June I had my first (and probably last) tattoo, which signifies my three pregnancies, it is of three colourful twinkling stars and is on the right side of my tummy, by my hip.  So, if I have another child I'll have to have another tat!!!!

This article has taken me over five months to write, I had to keep saving it and coming back to it.  I have put in a lot of links, that I wish I had read before I had this awful experience.  As they have helped me understand things since.

I have written it for me, so if no one reads it I don't mind, if you have read it, please don't criticise as this is about my experience and is very emotive for me.  As I read it through I stop and weep, when I remember and think of things.  I think of my baby a lot, don't get me wrong, I'm not a wreck.......  I do feel better than when it happened, and I'm sure that I will continue to do so, but I don't ever want to forget about my baby number two.

LOL XXXX.