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How To Help Your Children Overcome Challenges |
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My story of an abusive relationship
I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years until I found the courage to leave. This was a great turning point but with it came the question of how to tell my daughter that we were leaving? Leaving her school
and friends behind and never being able to come back would be difficult. As you can imagine, she was not happy about it but was old enough to understand why.
At first, we lived in a refuge. Another big shock for her. I felt safe for the first time in a long while and I think she did as well. I explained that it was a great big adventure and that we were only going to stay for a short time, that a few months in her whole lifetime wouldn’t seem very long when she was older.
The refuge turned out to be a blessing, they had many children there who were going through the same thing and they could all talk to each other and some have remained good friends.
Counselling was available through art therapy. This was invaluable, as most children do not have the vocabulary to express all their feelings. My daughter carried a 5kg bucket to me one day and said this is how hard it had been for her living with domestic violence. Then she put her arms around me and said don’t worry mum, it’s not your fault. This was the first thing she had ever said about it in 5 years. What had I done?
What I felt I had done was to make them go through all this pain and suffering and I had let it happen. The guilt was overwhelming. My teenage daughter had already left home to escape it and now this. On top of all this I was 6 months pregnant. If I could protect this child, why hadn’t I done the same for my other two?
I couldn’t look back only forward.
In time I came to understand many aspects of a violent relationship. How it started, the cycles of abuse and why it took so long to end it. My role now was to show my girls that it was not acceptable to be treated like this and that they should never be treated with anything but respect. I had to live this role. This was the greatest thing that I learnt.
Seeing me become the person I always wanted to be was so important. They could see me overcoming problems and challenges in life. I told them they could do anything if they worked hard for want they wanted. Building back their self-esteem (and mine) has taken time but has been so rewarding seeing them become the confident people that they are today.
The point I’m trying to make with my story is that no matter how you think you have let your children down in some way, there is always time to make a positive change. Children as they grow older will begin to see you as a person who has strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. Nothing I said would have made the difference, it was the action.
What role model are you for your child?
(March 21st) (
