Post Natal Depression

Basically it has been a huge effort for me to leave the house, use the phone (even answering it) and having visitors.  I even gave up emailing for a week which was one of the things that made me realise I was having problems.   After only 3 days of little pills I am to take daily, I began to feel (I have been feeling numb for a couple of months at least) and feeling almost joy at that, which was soooo great I nearly burst with it.  I didn't realise I was really missing feeling until it came back.   I had also for a couple of months been having heart palpitations which I kept to myself, just prior to going to my doctor I worked out that they were panic attacks brought on when I couldn't get out of leaving the house or when the phone rang or I had to generally mix in society.   I still don't have an overwhelming urge to pick up the phone or leave the house, but I haven't had a heart palpitation since 3 days after I began medication, when I was getting them about 5 times a day, so I think it won't be long.  I know I could go out if I had to now without too much of a ,big deal  Also keeping to myself until I told my Doctor, was that I had visions of letting Ailish go in the bath, watching her fall beneath the water and drowning and felt nothing.  Of course the rational me knew this was very bad and fought very hard not to allow it to happen.  The other vision I had was dropping her on the tiles and seeing her head explode and shatter when she hit the floor, again, I felt nothing, but knew it was wrong and couldn't happen.  I compensated by being a wonderful hands on Mother and playing with her a lot and being very upbeat etc, when I felt nothing.  I know I loved her very much,  and now I am begining to feel it, but it's upsetting that all this has happened and I did nothing for so long to stop it.  I began having these visions a week after she was born.  I was ashamed of this, deeply deeply ashamed.    I thought I could deal with it all myself until I got hasseled by a dear friend who had suffered through depression herself.  She convinced me to see my Doctor and I am so very glad that she kept riding me until I did.   If you feel even a little that something isn't right see someone about it.  I thought depression would mean I felt depressed, it wasn't like that at all.  You can't get back the time you spend not enjoying life.  It doesn't mean you are a failier as a Mother if you need some help.  In fact I know now that asking for help is the most responsible and mature thing I could have done.   You deserve to be happy, really happy and enjoy your family.