Of all the things I am asked since leaving my marriage
The question that I am asked the most is
"Why Did You Stay ?"
Unless you have been in the very same situation
You cannot understand why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship
But what is it that makes us so loyal to people that have no respect, love or care for us and our feelings
I can only speak for myself when I try to make even myself understand,
Why did I stay???
Bottom line for me is that I was with a man, who as far as I could see, was loved by everyone, he had friends everywhere, even my friends loved him, everyone laughed at his jokes, even if they were at my expense, I would get understanding shrugs as if to say “Sorry I’m laughing but you got to admit thats funny, and he means no harm, we know he loves you !!!” People would be telling me all the time how lucky I was to have such a wonderful husband and father. He would be the life and soul of every gathering and clearly was Mr Popular in the community. It was only when everyone else was gone, the children and I were home with an uncommunicative, hard to please, unloving, bad tempered and downright scary man.
What else was I to think? If no one else had a problem with him, then it had to be ME !
I was the one that provoked his bad moods, made him unhappy, he wasn’t a bad father at all he just had bad children that seeing I was the main carer, they were only bad because I was a bad parent !!!
When you live your life to try and please someone, only to come up short everytime, never to quite be as acceptable in presenting yourself, your home, your family then if he was to do it himself. Its you that becomes the failure in your own mind.
What are your options?
You have two options, you either bring further misery and failure to your family by leaving the relationship, making life unstable for you all, what happens to the family home? what happens to the family set up? Who lives with whom? The pain you will bring into your family............ Doesn’t seem to look like such a great option at the time
Or option two, you try harder and harder to get it right, to not disappoint him, to not anger him, to stand between the children and him to keep them safe. In your mind, the only one being hurt is you and you deserve it anyway, because you believe it is all your fault.
THE GOOD NEWS
I woke up to myself !!!!!!
It was not my fault !!!!
It was not my childrens fault !!!
IT WAS HIS !!!!
I realised I would never be good enough or do things good enough, because as long as he could put me down, then he was King of his own Castle. No one questioned his authority in his own home ???? How dare they !!!
This is not living in a relationship, this is being someones puppet, not only are you their puppet, you are the toy that they only want to play with as a stress reliever, putting you down makes them feel good about themselves.
I remember once crawling through the lounge on my knees to beg his forgiveness because once again I had gotten upset over something “trivial” and he slipped up!!!! because he told me I had nothing to apologise for, he told me he liked seeing me like this because he knew I would be more ameniable after I came to my senses !!!!
ALARM BELLS RANG ALL OVER THE PLACE !!!!!!!!!
The reason we stay is because we believe we don’t deserve anything better, we are the damaged goods, its the partner who has all the stress and its us that make things harder for them.
The reason we have to leave is because it is actually us that is so much better than them, its them that don’t deserve us !!!
Take it from someone who has walked this road. I have gone from a big house and no money worries at all, to council rental, benefits and even begging from a charity for help with food for the week. Yet I am happier, free and so are my younger children.
It is not too much to ask to be respected , loved and treated as an equal in a relationship
(April 2008) (
