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 (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) 4.96 (Highly recommend) from 34 votes (141 Visits)

So....Why DO We Stay ???

nell18-3 by nell18-3 Young Parent(April 11th) (rank 1st)

Of all the things I am asked since leaving my marriage

The question that I am asked the most is

"Why Did You Stay ?"

Unless you have been in the very same situation

You cannot understand why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship

But what is it that makes us so loyal to people that have no respect, love or care for us and our feelings

I can only speak for myself when I try to make even myself understand,

Why did I stay???

Bottom line for me is that I was with a man, who as far as I could see, was loved by everyone, he had friends everywhere, even my friends loved him, everyone laughed at his jokes, even if they were at my expense, I would get understanding shrugs as if to say “Sorry I’m laughing but you got to admit thats funny, and he means no harm, we know he loves you !!!” People would be telling me all the time how lucky I was to have such a wonderful husband and father. He would be the life and soul of every gathering and clearly was Mr Popular in the community. It was only when everyone else was gone, the children and I were home with an uncommunicative, hard to please, unloving, bad tempered and downright scary man.

What else was I to think? If no one else had a problem with him, then it had to be ME !

I was the one that provoked his bad moods, made him unhappy, he wasn’t a bad father at all he just had bad children that seeing I was the main carer, they were only bad because I was a bad parent !!!

When you live your life to try and please someone, only to come up short everytime, never to quite  be as acceptable in presenting yourself, your home, your family then if he was to do it himself. Its you that becomes the failure in your own mind.

What are your options?

You have two options, you either bring further misery and failure to your family by leaving the relationship, making life unstable for you all, what happens to the family home? what happens to the family set up? Who lives with whom? The pain you will bring into your family............ Doesn’t seem to look like such a great option at the time
 

Or option two, you try harder and harder to get it right, to not disappoint him, to not anger him, to stand between the children and him to keep them safe. In your mind, the only one being hurt is you and you deserve it anyway, because you believe it is all your fault.

THE GOOD NEWS

I woke up to myself !!!!!!
It was not my fault !!!!
It was not my childrens fault !!!

IT WAS HIS !!!!

I realised I would never be good enough or do things good enough, because as long as he could put me down, then he was King of his own Castle. No one questioned his authority in his own home ???? How dare they !!!

This is not living in a relationship,  this is being someones puppet, not only are you their puppet, you are the toy that they only want to play with as a stress reliever, putting you down makes them feel good about themselves.

I remember once crawling through the lounge on my knees to beg his forgiveness because once again I had gotten upset over something “trivial” and he slipped up!!!!  because he told me I had nothing to apologise for, he told me he liked seeing me like this because he knew I would be more ameniable after I came to my senses !!!!

ALARM BELLS RANG ALL OVER THE PLACE !!!!!!!!!

The reason we stay is because we believe we don’t deserve anything better, we are the damaged goods, its the partner who has all the stress and its us that make things harder for them.

The reason we have to leave is because it is actually us that is so much better than them, its them that don’t deserve us !!!

Take it from someone who has walked this road. I have gone from a big house and no money worries at all, to council rental, benefits and even begging from a charity for help with food for the week. Yet I am happier, free and so are my younger children.

It is not too much to ask to be respected , loved and treated as an equal in a relationship

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pauline27
5.00 (Excellent) | April 23rd | pauline27
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

As your Mum I would never have recognised this if I hadnt visually seen it and lived through this with you he was Jekyll and Hyde to not only you but to all of us as well. I still have nightmares thinking back to the times when the children would send for me and dad with des there being as nice and kind as can be with you sobbing and then the children saying . Nan when we rang you dad was not being nice like that. But once we caught him out on lots of occasions we knew it was serious and not even we thought he would be capable of such cruelty. Because of the lies he has told us and we have caught him out on so many times.



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      nell18-3
April 23rd | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Thanks Mum

You know I believe I wouldn't be here today without the support of you, Dad and the rest of the family

xxx

 



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Pumpkinbum
5.00 (Excellent) | April 20th | Pumpkinbum
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

This was like reading a story written about me. My ex was the life of the party, could make friends with anyone and i felt it had to be just me.

Since leaving i have realised it wasn't me and his family and a lot of his friends asked why i stayed when he treated me so bad. Funny how things come out once you have left. Good Luck

We will survive and be stronger for it. Thanks



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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | April 20th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Well done

Its great to meet another survivor !

xxx

 



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Lumina
5.00 (Excellent) | April 18th | Lumina
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Hi, I'm pretty new to Minti and this just happened to be the first article I've read.  I couldn't believe how similar our stories are!  Three days after our wedding, Mr.Charming moved my son and myself to Alberta, where things were Jekyll and Hydeish after a month.  I stuck it out for nine months before packing up my son, throwing some clothes in the car and getting the heck out of there.  And when I arrived back in my hometown I was criticised by so many people because they all believed that he was some super guy!  After some healing time my son and I are much better and I have resumed my relationship with my highschool sweetheart.  Thanks for sharing your story, I don't feel so alone.  Glad you're safe and happy now...



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      nell18-3
April 18th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Thankyou

I'm glad you are safe and happy too, so pleased for you that you realised fairly quickly what was going on.

I kept telling everyone that he was Jekyll and Hyde myself, still waiting for lots of them to believe me, but I'm beginning to realise that is their loss not mine.

xxx

 



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llmunchkin
4.75 (Excellent) | April 15th | llmunchkin
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Tops advice Helen, I love how you just tell it how it is, without insisting that some should do A, B, or C... I think for many people, just the fact that someone understands, and that others have been in the same situation is enough to give them strength and hope for their own future.




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      nell18-3
April 18th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Thanks Lui

You're right about the understanding, when i first realised that it had been abuse I read so many books and the stories are so similar its creepy yet comforting, probably cos you feel so alone when you are going through it and then you read others stories and realise you aren't alone after all

xxx

 



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tamg
5.00 (Excellent) | April 15th | tamg
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

what you say is so true.

it is eaasy for other ppl to tell u t leave but some times its not that easy, i have been there before. it is hard.



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      nell18-3
April 18th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

It is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done, but when you think of the alternative....................

xxx

 



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lightbee
5.00 (Excellent) | April 15th | lightbee
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Helen you are so right!!!  I remember my counsellor once saying that unless you've been through a divorce, you can't really understand what it's like.  I would add to that, unless you have lived in an abusive relationship, you can't understand why you would stay. 

It just is so different actually being in such a situation than it is hearing about it.  In hindsight it might be obvious that you should have left ages before.  But at the time it is not obvious.  In fact, the option of leaving might not even be in your head!  You don't feel like you have any other options but to try harder to modify your behaviour so that your partner is less abusive. 

When I finally told my grandma why I had left my ex, she said to me "You must have been living on your nerves the entire time".  She was absolutely right.  And when you're under that sort of constant stress, it is hard to think of options.  It's easier to do what you've always done and what you're being told to do. 

I think it either takes someone else to step in or something extreme to happen to make you realise that this situation must change.

Great article. 



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      nell18-3
April 15th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

I ditto everything you just said Leith

My Mum once said to me "You must feel you have been walking on eggshells" I replied no mum its far worse than that

Thanks Hunni for your added perspective

xxx

 



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           DarkenedAngel
5.00 (Excellent) | April 15th | DarkenedAngel
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Yeah, its more like being forced to run on sharp thin shards of expensive fine crystal.

Well done Helen, good to see you confirming within yourself the reality of the situation. You're growing stronger every day. Proud of you.



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                nell18-3
April 15th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Ouch !!  yea you are right there !!!!

Thankyou DA I really appreciate that

xxx

 



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elonblock
5.00 (Excellent) | April 14th | elonblock
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

You had said " It is not too much to ask to be respected , loved and treated as an equal in a relationship

From my perspective tbeing treated as an equal, with respect and love is the core of any relationship.

I acknowledge you for your awareness regarding your situation. And IMHO, the most important thing is you took action!

It's one thing to talk about something, because everything looks good on paper. It's a toally different story to act on your thoughts.

Congratulations,and thank you for the reminder and a confirmation for taking action!



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      nell18-3
April 14th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Thankyou for your comment

I'm glad you agree with me

xxx

 



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superpo
5.00 (Excellent) | April 14th | superpo
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

This was very insightful and I think it's good for people who aren't in abusive relationships to be able to read something like this and maybe get a glimpse of understanding of the WHY. Thanx for sharing. I admire anyone who has the courage to start anew without the abuser because as bad as it is with them I imagine the prospect of leaving to be pretty scary at first! That's great you found the courage!



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      nell18-3
April 14th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

thankyou

I'm glad I did get out too

xxx

 



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Ravenheart
4.56 (Excellent) | April 13th | Ravenheart
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

as always nell excellent advice

xoxo



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      nell18-3
April 14th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Thankyou Hun

xxx



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monyq83
5.00 (Excellent) | April 13th | monyq83
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Nell If I could have given you 10 stars for that article, I would have done. I would so loved to have been able to show that to so many people when I was with the father of my eldest two. You summed up everything in my head and put it down on paper. Or monitor.

Well done on another great article.



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      nell18-3
April 14th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Thankyou Mony

I really appreciate that

xxx



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mariamum
5.00 (Excellent) | April 12th | mariamum
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

You are an inspiration to me!!!!  Not sure if I could be that strong in the same situation.  The only reason I managed to escape my x was because he ended up in prison and I then met Jon in that time  I had the break I needed to rethink my options and get the courage I needed, and with my parents help I did it and I was so lucky to have not married him.   I am a great believer in second chances and I believe we all have the option to take them but it is down to us to make that decision and make it the right one.



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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | April 12th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Thanks Maria

Whatever the way you did escape I'm just so glad that you did. Good for You. It would have still taken a great deal of courage and you DID it !!!!

xxx

 



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electrifying02
4.75 (Excellent) | April 12th | electrifying02
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

thanks for sharing i have been in a simaler but we broke up two days before our wedding day

bel xxxx



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      nell18-3
April 12th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Sorry to hear that Bel but glad you didn't go through with the wedding !!!!

xxx



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FremantleDocker
4.75 (Excellent) | April 12th | FremantleDocker
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

I can't start to imagine how you felt through this as i haven't been through it myself to this extent. Hoping you are alot better off now, and that your children are more happier now.



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      loopylisa
5.00 (Excellent) | April 12th | loopylisa
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Kids are far better off. He took me to court for access and parental responsibility and got neither.Their stepdad is a fab dad to them both and have lost nothing,I believe in not having contact with the biological dad.



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           nell18-3
April 12th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

I agree with you, but it is slightly different when the children are old enough to make the choice for themselves, I believe it should then be down to them whether they see him or not

xxx



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      nell18-3
April 12th | nell18-3
Re: So....Why DO We Stay ???

Thanks Kerri

I'm so much happier now and so are the children, except for when the thorn in my side pops its head up

xxx