The break up of a relationship hurts
No matter what the circumstances
We have to be careful that whilst we try to sort through everything
The children are kept in the loop
their feelings and their fears are always taken into account
How is it best we can do this ????
By always being honest with them
There is no doubt that seeing your parents go through a break up, even if you are fortunate enough to be going through an amicable one, we keep things honest in our explanations to the children
First and foremost they need reassurance.
They need to know that it is not their faults, Children have a knack of believing they are responsible for the cause of any arguements between their parents. They quickly blame themselves as being the problem and can associate the problems starting from a time they were naughty and saw you having a disagreement about how to discipline the child. They unfortunately remember that moment and find themselves believing that if they had been good, then Mummy and Daddy would still be happy.
Children also need to know they are loved. Again this is all about reassuring them that even though mummy and daddy may not love each other, both parents deeply love their children
If there is no hope in the relationship being saved, be HONEST with the children, do NOT give them false hopes, you may think you are protecting them and letting them deal with things at a slower pace. But children don’t think that way, if there is the slightest hope their parents can once again be happy with no arguments and fights, they will cling onto that hope then you only break their hearts once again at a later stage
NEVER allow your child to be used as a tool to use as a way of hurting the other parent
When it comes to the breakup of an abusive marriage, I found to the cost of my childrens welfare the extreme lengths that one parent will go to just to be able to still control what is happening.
Children are NOT the “middle men” or the “messengers” in a relationship break up.
In abusive relationships that break up, it is common for children to be used as spies by other parent, messengers to try and hurt or frighten the parent, even the emotional punch bags to try and turn them against one of the parents. ALL OF THESE ARE WRONG !
There is no such thing as an easy breakup or even a straight forward breakup when their are children involved, but as parents we can make it EASIER for the child.
DON”T let them overhear conversations when they may hear one of the parents being spoken about in a bad light.
DON”T leave solicitors letters are left lying around.
DON”T question them about their time with the other parent, believe me its very hard not to especially when you just want the reassurance that they were well cared for, but let the child come to you.
DON’T make promises you cannot keep
DON’T be sworn to any secrecy with anything they tell you
DON’T say bad things to them about their other parent
DO shower them with love and show how you missed them
DO make it clear they can always talk about anything with you
DO show them they can trust you not to use anything they tell you in a malicious fashion, however at the same time, make sure they understand that if they tell you anything that you feel places them in danger you will have to act accordingly
DO remain honest with them at all times
DO let them see their parent as and when they want to, let the choice be down to them, unless you feel they are unsafe
(April 2008) (
