I've been asked if I could further explain some of the coping strategies which helped me survive losing our baby (ten years ago) I titled this, "How did you cope? I don't think I could, if that happened to me," because at times I've had this comment addressed to
me.
What Happened?
Just to re-capitulate: we lost a baby back in May 1997, almost 11 years ago. Our daughter Katelyn was, sadly, stillborn when I was forty weeks pregnant with her. I'd gone into hospital because I hadn't felt much movement from our baby-to-be. (The same situation had happened ten days previously and I'd been checked out; all was fine so I wasn't feeling too worried about getting checked out a second time.) Katelyn was to have been our second child.
What Helped?
From first hearing the sad news that our baby had died we had good support. Thank God. And this support was ongoing, which was even better. Straight away, after learning of the sad news the midwives were wonderful. To be honest the magnitude of what was happening took a little while to sink in! In a matter of minutes things had changed drastically. It seemed that one minute we were gettng ready to have a baby; the next minute I was hearing words like 'grief,' and being asked if there was anyone I wanted to phone. They were there for me, either giving me a cup of tea, sitting there with me or talking with me.
Others Who Know What We're going Through
Shortly after, too, we had some great people from our Church rally to help us. We're committed Christians, so it was just great knowing that we had many from our Church seeking to support us. One couple even visited us that very night to spend time with us. My husband and I were just so relieved to be able to talk, and be listened to, about this 'huge' experience that we were going through. This couple, too, had experienced loss in their own lives so they were able to really empathise with what we were feeling.
God In All This...And Then The Birth
It wasn't just prayers that helped, too. Once we arrived home, casserolles were dropped off to us, flowers arrived , and other thoughtful gifts came, i.e. rose plant, photo frame. And the care didn't stop after the flowers died, too. Years after, caring people would still phone us on Katelyn's 'anniversary', just to let us know they still cared.
The thing I remember most about the birth was how quiet it was. There was no crying baby and no excited hustle and bustle. It was so sad, even though we knew that Katelyn had gone to Heaven and is now in a better place. Before the birth, too, I felt a bit scared, because I was about to give birth to a baby who I knew wasn't alive (I birthed her naturally). It wasn't totally terrifying though and I believe that was because people's prayers were with us. Thoughts and love from many we knew were supporting us. We even had a lovely couple visit us when I was in the early stages of labour! These beautiful people just sat with us, giving us their time and care. They prayed that God would give us strength in the times ahead that Katelyn's birth would be special in its own way, even though, of course, it'd be sad.
After The Birth
Straight after Katelyn was born we still had a bonding time with her, even though we couldn't celebrate her life as a healthy, live newborn. We held her, gave her a bath and spent some time with her.
A Question Of Faith
I've known people to walk away from God when tragedy hits and, to be totally truthful, I did question my faith in God and for several years my faith was rocky. Just because I'm a Christian doesn't mean things are necessarlily easier, it just means that I know where our daughter is I know that one day we will be reunited with her in Heaven - when our own lives are over.
I remember crying many tears of anger and sadness, over several years. At times I had depression; during some of these times I'd write down my feelings and show what I'd written to my husband. By writing, I helped to clarify some of what I was feeling because all the emotion wasn't clouding what I was trying to communicate. However I believe God does allow things in our lives to happen for a reason. I once heard a preacher say that when we experience painful things in our lives we're often most effective at helping others if they go through similar things.
Has Good Come Out Of This Loss?
I know that, since going through this loss, I have an empathy for people who suffer. I find I am more thoughtful towards people who have suffered loss, and I have been able to comfort/help them, i.e even if it's just to say that I'm thinking of them at their time of loss, or I may send them a card, or visit them/give them a cake/meal.
I don't blame God for Katelyn dying; in this world things happen every day and we can't explain why. God has given me lots of good things in my life and I know that I don't want to ruin my own life by being bitter and angry. I'd rather be thankful for the good things I've had and use my sad experiences to encourage/help others and try to make this world a better place for those people. I don't regret having Katelyn because I can say that I've had a daughter. Of course, I'd have loved to have been her mother throughout her life, if she'd have lived. However it wasn't to be.
Katelyn's Funeral
Our Pastor was great, too; he was a trained grief cousellor . We'd known him for a few years prior to Katelyn being born. With our Pastor, we planned Katelyn's funeral. We chose the songs, and speakers with care because, even though Katelyn's funeral would be sad, we didn't want to to be tragic, or really depressing. We wanted people to feel that Katelyn's life wasn't in vain, and that there is hope after death.
Ideally, we wanted Katelyn's short life to 'touch people' and encourage them to think of God and His place in their own lives. Katelyn's funeral (we also referred to it as a thanksgiving service) was as we'd hoped; it didn't try to gloss over the tragedy, however we also felt it gave people a message of hope.
What Else Has Helped?
Even now, I still grieve at times. Our son has missed out on growing up with a sister; I'd have loved him to have had Katelyn as a sister.
I wear a solid gold signet ring on the little finger of my right hand, with Katelyn's name, birth date, my husband's, mine and our son's names engraved. I hardly ever take this ring off; I love to wear it because I feel Katelyn is with me.
I felt that by talking about my feelings and emotions (not keep them inside) I was better able to cope, too. I also found that many people were happy to listen and share their own experiences, too.
I find that I am happiest (and less likely to get 'down' about not having katelyn here with us) when my life is busy, happy and full. I love being a mum, wife, I work part-time, I am involved in Church activities and some community things, music, my son's life, extended family, etc.
I like to listen out for others who are suffering, i.e. sickness, loss. When I have opportunities to do this I feel that my own loss is having long-term benefits in that I'm able to help others.
I've Not Only Coped, but I've Coped Well
So when I am asked, "How did you cope? I don't think I could." I know that even though it was hard I feel I've not only survived it all, but I've coped well.
(April 2008) (
Anita
