Do I Want to know the Sex of My Unborn Baby?

With technology improving at an amazing rate, the opportunity to know about and see so much of our unborn babies is now commonplace. Thirty odd years ago, knowing the number of babies you were carrying was often achievement enough - I know one woman who only discovered she was carrying

So, you are in the early stages of pregnancy and over the moon. What will our life be like, will it be healthy, and is it a boy or a girl? Do you ask or wait until the big day?

I am someone who found out with each of my pregnancies. After all, I was always downstairs in the middle of the night as a child at Christmas, trying to work out what my presents under the tree were, so I was never going to be able to wait a whole nine months! Here are some reasons why I think it can be good to know.

"Oooh. What do you want - a boy or a girl?"

I did love being pregnant. I remember being over the moon when out shopping and a cashier asked me when the baby was due. I was so excited that people were beginning to be able to tell. Three months later and I just wished that maybe not *everyone* I spoke to would ask me how I was feeling - especially when I had seen them just a few hours before! I was quite relieved to be able to stop all the questions and speculation about the birth. I had people offer to try dangling wedding rings over the bump and the like. Really not something I am in to. I could just say, "Oh, it's a girl!" and we could get on to other things.

Decorating the Nursery

If this is something important to you, you might well want to know how to go forward. Fairies or racing cars? Ok, you can wait until they are born, seeing as how it is advisable for a baby to sleep in your room for the first six months, but really, you will be struggling to find time to eat, let alone wield a paintbrush. Personally, I go for neutral with stickers, so its not a problem, but there are many who want the whole matching lot, so this helps you to plan ahead and be ready.

Planning and Bonding

I loved being able to spend time with my partner discussing and dreaming about how our little girl would look, what her name might be and what she would grow in to. I could sit there, talking to my daughter, feeling my baby girl kicking me. "Wow. I'm having a girl!" I found the whole experience wonderful, as I knew I was waiting for my daughter, not "the baby" to arrive. I believe it helped me to bond, no question.

Gained a Son, Lost a Daughter

One mother I spoke to shared one perspective I had never thought of. When she was pregnant, she would lie in bed with her husband, planning what they would do in the future. If it was a boy, they would name him A, do B and have one kind of life. If it was a girl, she would be called X, they would do Y together and that was how that would be. She told me she spent lots of time day-dreaming and imaging the different outcomes in her head of how their lives as a family would be. Then she had her son and suddenly, although happy, she felt that whilst celebrating the birth of her boy, she was feeling the loss of her imagined daughter. Remember, hormones do funny things at the best of times and I imagine this had an effect, but she did describe this as a mourning for her lost daughter.

But I Wanted a Boy...

Both my partner and I talked about our first baby as a boy, all through the first five months. He would look like this, do that, "he's kicking" etc. Then we went for the 20 week scan and that was no boy (unless he was seriously challenged in the willy department). I was elated at seeing our precious, longed for baby on the screen, but later I cried. "I don't want a girl. People will give us pink things and I'll have to dress her in pink and I don't want to!" I wailed. Sad what hormones do to us, isn't it! So, we talked and I thought about it and grew really pleased with the idea. Yes, I had thought it was a boy but now I could dream about my daughter to be. I came to the conclusion she didn't need to wear pink (mostly red and blue as it turned out - I'm really not a girly girl) and all was right with the world. Now, had I discovered this at the birth, after what seemed like days of labour, I don't know how it would have affected me and bonding. I knew I was having a girl and I did. Great.

A work colleague told me how he longed for a boy and ended up with a girl and he was *so* disappointed. What a shame for the moment of birth to be affected like that. I know we should all be grateful for the healthy arrival of our child, but we are only human, right?

Guess what, when I fell pregnant for the second time, I wanted a girl. I had a girl and felt I didn't know how to deal with a willy (although there was some evidence to the contrary...) and all things boy, so another girl would be great. Was it a girl? Nope! And again I had a good few months to get used to the idea.

Any Reasons Not to Know?

You Will Ruin the Surprise!

And how would I answer this? "I'm having a baby. How much more of a surprise do I need???" I'm not one for surprises. I think they can sometimes backfire on you (see above) particularly because most of us have a tiny, tiny piece of us that would love a boy first or a girl first. I always wanted a boy first. Big brother looks after little sister, they are closer in maturity levels and all that. Didn't happen and I think that would have added something negative to the birth, whereas I was totally fine with the idea of a girl first by then.

For me, the whole thing of going through labour and having a brand new baby, and all the changes that would bring were going to be enough to cope with. We had our surprise at the twenty week scan, and we could hug that extra knowledge to ourselves, knowing what was growing inside me. Remember, you can always keep it a secret so as not to ruin the surprise for anyone else (though I know of no one who has managed to keep it a surprise - it's just too much that you want to share!)

What if They are Wrong?

Yes, it happens. If you are told you are having a boy, chances are they are pretty much spot on. There are dangly things that give it away. If it's a girl, well, there just aren't the same pointers and mistakes can be made. On each of our scans, the sonographer was pretty sure. We were given an 85% chance of a girl first time (which meant 95% in our minds, as she was covering herself) and with our boy, well, the conversation went like this:

"You can see his pelvis? And his two legs there? Well, that there's a penis."

I expected to be lead in to it a little more gently, but we did ask to be told!

If a mistake is made, then I am sure that this can give a whole, additional downer on the birth which outweighs the being disappointed in the first instance. My only comment on this is that technology is racing ahead so fast that I think there is less and less risk of this happening. As we know, there are now 3D and 4D scans. I have seen the four separate chambers of my babies' hearts. Wow.

So, What Will You Do?

Well, as with anything, it is up to you. I am glad that we discovered the gender of both of our children when we could and would not hesitate to make that decision again with other pregnancies. But this may not be the way forward for you. I am looking for someone to write an article from the other point of view and tell us all why not knowing is the best thing they decided to do. It's over to you!