How I handled death with my son

I have two children (Luke) 16 and Hannah(11) months I love my children they are my life, I'm a single mum i didn't choose to be a single mum. 

It was 1998 and I had been at work and got a phone call from my mum to come home I new some thing was very very wrong but she wouldn't tell me over the phone . As I got there I thought there was some thing wrong with my mum as the family doctor was there and he only does home visits if my mum was ill.

She sat me down and said there had been an accident and I said with who,  and I will never forget the way it came out  of my mums mouth as there is really no good way to tell some one some thing like this............................... it is Chris........................................................ 

i just started screaming and said what about Luke has any one got Luke has any one picked him up from school but they had already arranged for him to get picked up.  I was shaking all of a sudden I went cold and all I could think of is how in the hell do I tell my son who was 7 at the time that his dad had just died.  I just couldnt stop shaking screaming no no no no its no true don't lie to me I collapsed to the ground.

The Doctor then offered me some Valium to settle me down I didn't wont to but mum said it would help.  After I sat for a mine mum then told me what had happen he was on his motor bike and hit a truck and was killed instantly I just couldn't take it all in but I new I had to settle down and be strong for Luke.... As Luke arrived he was wondering what was going on with so many people at nans and every one just so upset.   I  had said to me before he had arrived how how do I tell him my mums reply was with honesty.  So when he arrived we went in side and I sat him down looked into his eyes and he said to me mummy what is wrong why are you-crying.....

I just looked at him and said I have some thing to tell you and its not going to be nice and he said did I (not make the footy team) love him I smiled and said no its not that its about daddy.  Then there words just came right out daddy has died and gone to heaven well he just started crying and sobbing I wasn't real sure if he really understood then he said  does that mean daddy is not coming home I just held him so tight and we just cried and cried together. As time went by I had to decide  What I was going to do, let him see Chris at the funeral parlor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  at the time I just wonted best for him, and I was a bit unsure how to handle it with Luke you can listen to lots of people on what to do   but at the end of the day I done when I thought was right.   It didnt matter what I would decide in so many peoples eyes it would be wrong.   I was so confused so I just explained to him were daddy was and what was going to happen in the next couple of days and what would  he like to do as in go to the funeral and view his daddy.

He had decided that he wonted to go to the funeral,   he was a little unsure if he wonted to see dad so I just left it up to him.    Funeral day came there were nearly 400 people there they had to set up screens out side.  As he was a member of a bike club I had organized it that the bikes escort the funeral car to the church Chris would of really loved this.

In side the church we were sitting there and down came the coffin I was married how Luke would take this as he had never seen one and it was his choice to be there.  He started crying and saying I wont my daddy the tears just flowed from every one it was a long service as he was catholic . At the end of it the coffin started going down then all of a sudden Luke jumped up and started screaming I wont to see my daddy.  So as every one was leaving the church they  didnt put Chris down and it was just me and Luke and mum and I said to Luke are you sure you wont to do this and he said yes I had brought some teddyst that joined and had Luke and his dad's name on them as they opened the coffin Luke clung to me and looked away I said its ok we can go out if you wont no I need to see him was his reply.  He turned around and lent over the coffin put the teddies in and give Chris a kiss and said I love you da and I'm going to miss you there i am standing there trying to be big and brave and to be there for Luke that was it I just broke down.

They shut the coffin and we walked out both hanging on hands crying.  It was very very hard to know if I had done the right thing or not because people were saying to me how could you he is only 7 he is to young to go the funeral.

So my advice would be if any one had to go threw this with there children (but hope this never happens to any one on minti) be open and honest explain as much as you can  ...........................as much as I was hurting I had to be there for Luke and hopefully make the right decisions as I feel I did. We often talk about it now he he and my self had counseling for two years.  As I found out in counseling he was very thankfully to me...........................He would of missed the hole thing if I had of listen to some of my family and friends so I'm glad I did what I felt was right.