I wanted to share some thoughts about using "semi-formal" interviews for talking with your children. My parents used this with me and I use it with my own children and it is an invaluable way to connect with kids, especially teenagers. I find that the interview is a 
great “safe-zone” for communication because kids can be free to talk (and parents can be free to listen) without fear.
When I say "semi-formal interview", what I mean is that there is a psychological marker around the communication that sets it apart from other types of communication such as talking in the car, informal chats at the table, etc. I’ll usually tell the kids earlier in the day that I want to interview them and we figure out a good time. (They know what these interviews are and they are always eager for them.) Then when the time comes, I invite them to a private place (usually their bedroom) and we shut the door and tell other family members that we’re having an interview so nobody will disturb us. This is the psychological marker I’m talking about- the child knows that it is a private conversation and they can feel safe to talk.
For those of you who are religious, I begin the interviews by putting my arm around the child and offering a prayer. I use the prayer to talk positively about the child and ask for help in talking with them and learning what I need to. This is as much for me as for the child because it is important for me to be a good listener in the interview so that it is a rewarding experience for the child. I’m not sure what a non-religious substitution would be, except perhaps to say at the beginning something to the effect of: “I love you and I’ve made this time to listen to you on any subject you want. And if you like, I’ll work with you on ideas for solving challenges you may have.”
I have some rules that I keep in the interview-
1) I cannot use the time for discipline, accusations, or lectures.
2) The child gets to control the time and the subject. I can ask questions when the child permits me to ask questions.
3) I must keep the tone positive and encouraging. I absolutely cannot get mad or defensive.
Of course, I should probably keep these rules all the time (I don’t), but it is a lot easier for me to keep them in the context of the interview. This makes the interview a very positive experience.
The content of the interview can be all over the place. Sometimes kids want to ask questions that are on their mind, or they want to tell you about something they find interesting. Sometimes that ask serious philosophical questions. What they won’t talk about (usually) is the problems they are dealing with- they need a little help for that. The way I help them is to ask direct questions to open up the topic. It is good to go on your intuition for these questions (especially the mom’s intuition!). Don’t be afraid to ask them straight out, because the kids want that, as they usually don’t know how to bring up the topic on their own.
Some examples of questions to ask might be:
- Do your friends show you pictures or movies that make you feel uncomfortable or that you might be afraid for me to know about?
- Were you offered drugs or alcohol at the party you attended last week?
- How do you feel about that girl you talked to on the phone last night?
- Are you smoking?
- Are you having sex?
If the child opens up and starts to talk, then it is very important not to react. You might be boiling/devastated/laughing inside, but hold it back! They need to have a safe place to let out what they’re thinking. More questions to clarify the situation are helpful. For instance, if drugs were offered at the party, then what kind were they? Did the child take any? How did they feel? What happened? What does the child want to do about it? Once they are done, then you’ll have a chance to talk about how you feel, which could be anything. Again, avoid accusations to keep it a safe place. If they broke a rule, you can remind them of the consequences, but more likely than not they’ll be ready to face them because they confessed; therefore it doesn’t need to turn into a lecture.
At end, give them a great big hug and tell them how much you love them. This is everyone’s favorite part and usually there is some crying involved! This is what makes the experience so positive for my kids- that they feel so much better afterwards!
So that’s the structure of the interview, I hope it is useful to you! It is pretty simple and I try to have one a month with each kid, but I’m not very successful at that yet. If you have just one, you can bet they’ll always remember it. I still remember interviews that I had with my dad.
(April 28th) (
