During the course of any relationship, being geographically far apart from the one you love for an extended period can happen. Many people believe that long-distance relationships don't work. This is true for many, but they can work, if both of the people involved really want it to. There are
many reasons why a relationship can be long-distance. Some people meet and fall in love whilst on holidays but live far apart. Or maybe they met over the internet. Some relationships become long-distance when one partner has to travel for training, employment, or deployment. Whatever the reason, the problems are essentially the same. In a long-distance relationship, love is just a small factor. Love is what brought the couple together in the first place, but when apart for a long time, they need a few other things to keep them together.
Trust. This is vital in any relationship, but even more so for a long-distance relationship. When time and distance comes between a couple, some people tend to fall prey to the idea that if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with. Some meet and fall in love with another person in the abscence of their partner. These are the most common killers of long-distance relationships. For any relationship to work, these issues need to be discussed and agreed upon.
Some people have what is called an "open" relationship, where sexual promiscuity is acceptable between the couple, so trust is not such an issue for these people. However, this type of relationship can only work if both people agree to that. There is no place for jealousy or insecurity in an open relationship. If one person feels even slightly uncomfortable about it, the relationship will not work. If it is agreed that the relationship is not "open", then trust becomes utterly important. Not only do both partners have to agree to not cheat on each other and be determined to keep that promise, but many also need to consider taking precautions to avoid such temptation. A simple harmless meeting for coffee can very quickly lead to a dinner date, a movie, and on to further things. Alcohol is a potential relationship-killing social lubricant. Some people can go out for coffee and nothing will ever come of it. Some can drink themselves stupid and never look at another person. Some people can flirt on singles web sites like crazy and never take it beyond the internet or become emotionally involved with it. Most people can't do those things without causing a problem, simply because humans are emotional creatures, and very few have a strong enough sense of self-discipline to stay out of trouble.
Before entering a long-distance relationship, these things need to be discussed, the ground rules need to be worked out, and both people need to be completely comfortable with it all; otherwise the long-distance relationship will not work. In fact, no relationship will in the long run if these things aren't talked about. Honesty is necessary here. Telling your partner what you think they want to hear is a recipe for disaster. Telling the truth, even if it hurts, is the only way to work these issues out. You also need to be honest with yourself. You might want to stay loyal to them for the sake of maintaining the relationship and not losing them, but if you aren't completely sure you can so that, you need to say it. You will only destroy the relationship in the long run if your loyalty falters anyway, so it may be better to talk about it right from the start, before you end up hurting your partner even more later on down the track.
Communication. This is also vital in any relationship and especially a long-distance relationship. If spending a few hours on web cam and the phone every day is a viable option, then by all means, it should be utilised. If that isn't an option, a brief phone call as often as possible, or even just an sms message or an email to tell the other person that you're thinking of them and love them, can do a lot for lifting their spirits if they are feeling lost and lonely. Some people set up an internet blog for the other person to read when they get a chance if internet communication is vastly one-way and the other person can't reply.
When such technology as the internet and telephone are completely unavailable, there is still hope! Writing and posting a letter every day may be an option. If you post a short letter or even just a little note every day, it may take a while for the first one to be received, but once it is, the others will follow every day that the mail is delivered to your loved one; and they will see that you are still thinking of them and still love them. Sometimes posting a letter every day may not be viable either. In some parts of the world there is simply no such thing as a postal service. This is where using a very old method may come in useful. A hundred years and even further ago people sometimes kept a diary, each day adding a bit to it, writing it as if it was a very long on-going letter to their loved one far away. This helped them keep their hopes up, gave them an outlet for their feelings and thoughts, and when their loved one could finally read it they would know they were still cared for and loved the whole time they were apart. Even though most diaries never made it to that point, at least it allowed the person writing it to express themselves and keep their hopes up that one day it would be read by the person they were writing it for. Some people are not good writers, so sometimes talking into a tape recorder or other such voice recording device may be another option for some. Combining several of these methods can be useful as well.
My mother used to keep in touch with her siblings by writing long on-going letters that she would post just before Christmas every year. I used to have a blind pen-pal in Europe that I would send cassette tapes to. Whatever works, it is important to do whatever you can to have a way to express your emotions, as well as try to let your loved one know you are still thinking of them.
Making room for them in your life. If you are too busy to have a relationship and you can't spend as much time with your loved one as you both need, there's no point having a relationship in the first place. If you are seperated by distance and time, keeping room for that special person in your life is still just as important. Some long-distance relationships fail not while the person is gone, but after they return, because the other person became too used to living with out them, and having to make room for them again in their life creates a sense of discomfort.
Re-arranging the house and your routine to suit yourself while your loved one is gone may very well create that situation, as in doing so you may inadvertently be pushing them out of your life. If, of an evening after the kids are in bed, sitting and watching a movie together cuddled up on the sofa was something that was done when you were together, don't change that routine. If you can't handle watching a movie alone, then leave the sofa there and use that time to do something nice for them, or do something that won't become so routine and enjoyable that you'll be loathe to give it up when they return; such as write a letter or diary or make something for them, or sort out that photo collection you've been meaning to do for ages, catch up on the mending, or gardening. It matters not so much what you do, so long as you are doing something that stops you from sitting around miserably missing them, but not something that you can't easily give up again when they return.
Keeping daily chores and routine is not only good for getting back to normal when your partner returns, but also it is good for the children as they aren't having everything change to and fro everytime you or your partner have to be away from home.
Dealing with children. This can be very difficult for the person left with the kids. Not only are they missing their partner, they are having to help the children cope with missing their parent (or parental figure). As difficult as this may seem, it can be done. Parents that have seperated from their partners often have had to go through the same difficulties, and all parents who have lost their partners due to death have had to deal with this as well. At least you have the advantage of being confident that your partner is coming back again!
Allowing the children to know and see that you miss the person you love will give them the sense that it's okay to express that emotion, and it will become easier for them to do it was well. You can use this time and distance from your partner to spend a bit more quality time with your children, but don't make the mistake of spoiling them or they may end up wanting your partner gone more often! If you know for sure a set date that your partner will return, then you may help your children create a calendar where they can count down the days. If not, a diary may be kept by your children. It doesn't have to be written, a book full of pictures and projects and photos is just as good. Allowing your kids fair time on the phone or internet with your partner is important as well. Even if the children can't or won't talk, they may need just to hear your partner's voice as much as you do. However, forcing them to communicate isn't good either. They need to do it in their own way in their own time. They will also need plently of assurance that they are still loved and that your partner hasn't left because of them or anything they did.
Coping with lonliness. This is not easy at all but it is something that can be learned. Diving into the arms of another person may help in the short term, but it certainly won't help your relationship! Surrounding yourself with friends and family may help as well, but it is only a temporary band-aid solution to the problem. One day they might not be there for you. You still have to find a way to go to sleep at night alone. Learning to cope with loneliness is something that needs to be established if you are going to survive the time away from your partner. Loneliness is an emotion, just like anger, and just like anger, we can learn to deal with it in a productive way. Learning how to distract yourself appropriately, turning the misery into hope, and learning to spend time with yourself are all part of dealing with it. Speaking to a councellor on a regular basis is often a very good way to get help in learning how to deal with this very powerful and crushing emotion. When it strikes in the early hours of the morning, phoning a 24 hour councelling hotline to talk to someone can be a great way to help you get back to sleep without the tears.
No gossip. It seems that no matter what you do, someone in the world will eventually try to cause problems with your relationship and tear you and your partner apart. Some may do it out of jealousy, some may do it out of a sense of over-protectiveness, some do it out of spite, and others just can't stand seeing other people happy. Whatever the reason, many people know no bounds, and the lengths to which they will go to tear you apart can be extraordinary. Recently someone hacked my boyfriend's computer and entered my house to gain access to mine, to send emails, messages, and stuff around with all manner of things in our accounts; to try and make us mistrust each other, blame and accuse each other, argue, and break up. They almost succeeded but for the fact that I figured out what was going on just in time! I've seen all manner of sleezy attempts to seperate happy couples, some of which have made even my toughened skin crawl. When a happy couple are apart from each other, it is often a perfect time for such vultures to swoop in and start causing trouble. If you hear gossip about what your partner is supposedly up to, don't instantly believe it. Take it with a grain of salt until you know for sure what is really going on, no matter how much you trust the person that is telling you the story. If you go out or have friends over, as soon as you can, get in touch with your partner to tell them the truth about what really went on. That way, when someone else starts telling half truths to your partner to make them suspicious, they already know the whole story. If something happened that you aren't exactly proud of, it's probably better that you be honest about it and let the chips fall where they may. If they find out about it through a third party, any chance you may have had of finding forgiveness may very well be washed away by the time you find out they know about it.
Some people might say that long-distance relationships are not for everyone. Some people simply can't find it in them to trust their partner. Some people claim they aren't good at communicating. Some don't think they have it in them to deal with the loneliness. And others claim they can't guarantee they can be loyal if they are apart. Realistically, for these people, maintaining any kind of relationship is going to be an uphill battle anyway. We don't always chose for our relationships to become long-distant. A 10 year close live-in relationship can very quickly become a long-distance relationship if one partner has to travel a long way for a long time for any reason and they can't take the other with them. The big question that you need to ask yourself if faced with the prospect of having to make a long-distance relationship work is, do you love the person enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them? If the answer is yes, then it is worth the trouble and the waiting.
(May 2008) (
