The Ex-Step-Parent

This advice is written assuming that abuse is not part of the problem. Children should be protected from all abusive adults in all circumstances by whatever (legal) means necessary. I've used the term step-parent as the married partner of the children's biological parent for the purpose of simplicity throughout the

You fell in love with someone that already had children and you found yourself in the role of a step-parent. You took those children under your wing and loved and cared for them as if they were your own. They may have even started referring to you as their Mum/Dad when talking to other people, may even have started calling you that. Everything was sweet. You had a great relationship with the kids, and then your marriage fell apart. It wasn’t the kids fault. They still adore and love you like you were their parent. They may even still call you Mum/Dad. They still want to see you. However, your ex is being difficult. S/he won’t the children see you. You have no legal custody or guardianship of them and you have already been told by a lawyer that you’d just be wasting you time and money going through the family courts to try to get any legal rights to see these kids, the children that for many years were your children too. The love that an adult can have for their step-children can – and should – be just as powerful as if they were biological children. To have that torn away from you is nothing short of heartbreaking.

Not many people understand this unless they have been in this situation themselves. Even then, they may not always give the best advice on how to deal with it. Many people will say, ‘but they aren’t your kids so let it go’. Even the kids can seem to turn on you. They may pull the ‘you’re not my Mum/Dad’ card out all of a sudden. They might refuse to speak to you when they do have the opportunity. This just makes everything even harder. Now, not only can’t you see your children, but they are denying you as well. You are on your own. There is nothing else that you can do. You have just lost your whole family. Now what?

If you did have biological children with your former partner things may be a little bit easier. Once the courts grant you access to your biological children, your ex may eventually lighten up a bit with regards to you seeing your step-children as well. If this is the case, you’re one of the lucky ones. There are many former step-parents that just never stand a chance.

So how do you deal with this? How does anyone deal with losing a child? Many parents lose their children through death. Many lose the ability to see and communicate with their biological children. Losing your step-children does not mean it is any easier for you. They are still your children. It isn’t legal, it isn’t biological, but that is just paperwork and DNA. It’s superficial. Family is what we make it to be. You love those children as if they were yours, your heart says that they are yours, so they are yours. Nothing anyone says or does is going to change that.

There are different ways of dealing with the emotions that this loss causes. Some people switch off and deny they have children and try never to think about them again. This may be easier for you to deal with it, but how will that effect your children if they find out you’ve done this? Some people become very cautious about ever getting involved in a relationship where children are already part of the family. If they do, they keep themselves distant from the children of the new relationship. This may protect you from any more hurt in the future if things don’t work out again, but it isn’t good for the children of the new relationship either. And then, some people keep their heart open, never stop loving those children, don’t allow it to damage potential relationships of the future, and wait for the day when those kids have grown up and, hopefully, return to them. People that do this are to be admired, for it takes an incredible amount of strength and restrain to do this.

Children don’t have the emotional maturity and comprehension required to properly understand the intricacies of inter-personal relationships. They need to deal with things in their own way. If they have someone that can explain things to them properly, it is much easier for them, but if they don’t, they can react in all manner of ways. In this type of situation, turning against their former step-parent is often the easiest way for them to deal with it. They want someone to blame for their loss, someone to be angry at, and it is often easier for them to focus that on the step-parent than it is the parent that they still have to live with.

My daughter has been raised by her step-mother ever since she was a baby. If I ever found out my daughter started dealing the ‘your not my mother’ card at her, I would be very disappointed in her. That woman has been her mother for all of my daughter’s life, and she has tried very hard to raise her in the best way she knows how. No matter what, that woman will always be my daughter’s mother. I would never try to stop her from seeing our daughter, nor would I ever try to turn our daughter against her in any way. And I would be furious at her father if ever he did such a thing. I have never and will never stop my son from seeing or communicating with my ex-husband, his former step-father. When my ex shows a lack of interest in communicating with my son it hurts him and that upsets me. I can't advocate enough the importance of maintaining the relationships between children and the significant adults in their lives. Parents that do this sort of thing are only using the children as pawns, and it hurts the children. What parent in their right mind would want to hurt their kids like that? Unfortunately, far too many do, not just to step-parents, but to biological parents as well.

My advice to former step-parents that find themselves in this situation is, don’t deny your children. You may not be their legal or biological parent, but you were their parent once, and in your heart you know you still are. Just because you can’t see them, even if they don’t want to see you at the moment, it doesn’t mean that you have to stop loving and missing them as if they were your own. They won’t forget you, and one day they could very well return to you. Please don’t hurt them more by denying they are your kids and turning them away.

If you find yourself in a new relationship with someone who has children, don’t deliberately distance yourself from those kids either. It will only hurt and confuse them and make them feel unloved and unworthy. Chances are, if they are from a broken family with separated parents, they may well have been through too much already and have damaged self-esteems because of it. Please don't add to their problems by denying them the love of a parent that you could give them. If you can keep your heart open and trust that all will be good for the future, there is no reason to deny these children your love and attention. If you don’t think things will be good for the future and the relationship won’t work out, why are you there in the first place?

My advice to the biological and legal parents of children with former step-parents is, don’t deny them the person in their life that was their parent for so long. You might not want anything to do with that person, but you are not your children. If you think that stopping them from maintaining a relationship with the person that was their parent for so long is in their best interests, you’re living in a delusion. So long as that person is still willing to love and care for the children in the same way that they did when you were together, they are still a parent to your children. Taking that parent away from your children will only hurt them. What kind of parent hurts their kids like that?