Hi there – Dealing with the loss of a loved one or a loved pet can be very hard. During my short life I have lost my grandparents and also a son. I don’t think I will ever get over the loss especially of my son but I have learnt to live and to move on but it has been a long and steady process.
Dealing with grief I believe is a very personal experience and many people handle it many different ways and some people find this hard to cope with. One of my pet hates was people saying to me “I understand” because in reality they don’t – not really. This is mainly because each person grief is different. Anyway I thought I’d put some stuff together for the Minti community . . .
In someway or another, all of us will be affected by death at some stage. Loss is inevitable and is part of life. We all must cope with grief at some stage in our lives. Most people know that death can be separated into two main categories, long-term illness and sudden death. Even though this is basically true the fact remains that all death is sudden.
Sadly but unfairly death brings to those left behind a tremendous amount of emotion and pain. Grief is not something abnormal; it is a normal part of our journey through life. There are two basic definitions of grief, they are:
1) The conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in ones life
2) A normal, natural and painful emotional reaction to loss.
As most know we can grieve not only for the tragic death of a loved one or family friend but also we can also grieve over the death of a relationship (i.e. divorce) or we can suffer the same emotional reactions over the loss of a beloved pet. Grieving is a difficult process because it involves many intense and completely overwhelming feelings. (i.e. Love, sadness, fear, anger, relief, compassion, hate, or happiness; just to name a few.)
Not everyone experiences all of these feelings but many who are in the grieving process experience several of them at the same time. These feelings are very intense and disorganizing and that can be so very long lasting. Grieving has often been described as feeling of drowning in a sea of painful and negative emotions.
Many people believe that there are certain stages of grief, these stage are:
Shock – Immediately after the death of a loved many people find it difficult to accept the loss. Most people go through a stage where they feel like it is unreal – a bad dream. During the first few days and through any and all religious rituals or memorials there is often feeling of being-out-of-touch or some even say a feeling of a lesser reality.
The Emotional Release – Suddenly all too soon the awareness of just how dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense feelings of grief. It is during this stage the person of which is grieving usually sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably with a feeling of complete helplessness.
Panic - For a period of time the person grieving person can feel as if they are in the grip of mental instability. They often will and do find themselves walking around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to complete tasks that they started. At this stage some physical symptoms may also appear; these can range from an overwhelming tightness in the throat, heaviness within the chest, an empty feeling in the pit of the stomach, sometimes severe to moderate tiredness and fatigue, headaches, migraine’s, gastric and bowel upsets. All these are normal.
Guilt –During this stage a person will usually begin to feel guilty about failing to do enough for the deceased. This is usually accompanied by guilt over what happened or what didn’t happen; what was said and what wasn’t said.
Hostility – Some people may begin to feel anger at what or who “caused” the loss of the loved one. Anger at being left behind or an anger because they couldn’t do anything, this can also lead to frustration.
Feeling Unable To Return To Normal Activities – During the grief process some people find their ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and recognize that this is a normal.
Reconciliation of Grief – Slowly a balance in life returns little by little. This is very similar to healing from a severe physical wound. There are no set time frames for healing; every person is different and this needs to be respected.
Hope – Over time the ever-present pain of a persons grief will lessen and hope for a future continues; yet most people will find a different life emerges. Plans will be made for the future and the person is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they will always remember and have memories of the loved one
Dealing with Grief is very difficult here are some suggestions that may help in the journey through grief:
- Take your time. Don’t be tempted let others rush you into “getting over” your feelings
- Try not to make major decisions as your judgment will be out
- Strongly avoid the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb the painful feelings
- Cry as your tears are the healthiest expression of grief. Don’t hold it in because of others. Remember your grief is about you
- Recognise that there will be good days and bad days. Grief can resurface during holidays and significant events such as ones birthday or anniversary
- It’s important to remember your loved one often and as much as you need to. Look at your photographs, read any letters and tell stories of your memories to friends and other members of the family
- Try and seek out other people who will understand your need to talk about what happened. It’s important to seek out people who will really listen to what you want to say
- Make sure that you allow yourself time to heal
- Remember to pay attention to your health, make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet and getting outside in the sunshine for exercise or a mild walk
- Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need from others and to accept when they offer any help. This is not the time to try to do everything by yourself
- Always remember your grief is individual to you. No-ones grief is the same to yours. You will share some similarities with others, but grieving is a very personal and very individual process.
- If you need it seek out grief counselling especially if you feel you cannot cope
Grief counselling is available through many different community resources, churches and licensed therapists. Try joining a grief support group; most Local community papers will usually have listings on where you can find these. Also use the Internet and join an electronic bulletin board dedicated to supporting individuals who have lost loved ones
Death like any great wound leaves a scar. It may heal and the pain may ease but the mark is always there. But the memories of the loved one are always there also.
- The most important thing to remember is -- there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. People grieve in their own time and in their own way.
- The second most important thing to remember is – everything you feel during bereavement is normal.
- The third most important thing to remember is – if you feel you cannot cope with your loss alone, you don’t have to.
Here are some numbers that may be helpful if you need or want some support or just someone to talk to:
National Association for Loss and Grief 1800 100 023
The Compassionate Friends Victoria Inc. 1800 641 091 (24 hours a day, seven days a week)
Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement (VIC only) 1300 664 786
Lifeline 131114
Salvo Care Line 1300[b] 36 36 22[/b]
Bereavement Care Centre http://www.bereavementcare.com.au
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to reading your feedback . . . I hope this helps someone out in the community.
Cheers Kellz
© Copyright 2008 Kellzacar. . All writings by Kellzacar remain the property of Kellzacar and should not be republished or copied without written permission. Kellzacar can be emailed via Minti. Any similarities are by coincidence only as all writings etc are the research and or thoughts of the writer. All links are to websites used or visited whilst writing this article
Nowhereman80
