ADVICE RATING |
 4.89 (Highly recommend) from 18 votes (146 Visits) |
|
|
Why didn't they listen to me ???? |
 |
by nell18-3  (June 2008) (rank 1st) |
|
Abuse is not always obvious to others
Its not always about someone with a black eye who has walked into a door !!!
Abuse is also manipulative and subtle
The Abuser can be the nicest person to anyone else
But a total monster to YOU!!!
And don't I know it !!!!!
Recently at a session of my Domestic Abuse workshop we discussed the "early warning signs" that we see and dismiss. Looking back I sometimes feel I must have been the dumbest sitting duck in the world.
Early Warning Signs that I missed included:
Having a joint bank account within a few weeks of the relationship
The night before we got engaged AGAINST my parents wishes as they thought I was too young and wanted me to wait just a few months until I was 18 (but I didn't listen !!) anyway on saying goodnight the night before, he reminded me we were getting engaged definitely the next day and to catch a certain bus to meet him, but to remember if I wasn't on the bus then it would be all over.............Duh !!!!!! I was on the bus !!!!!!!!!
On buying my bridesmaid her dress for the wedding, he demanded I sorted my dress out the same day, even though the intention was to do the bridesmaid only, I panicked and bought the first dress I saw, but whilst trying it on the assistant asked me if my name was ....... on affirming it was, I was told I had a phone call !!!! yep he had tracked me down by ringing the bridal shops, the pretext was that he was looking for something and only I would know where it was, I told him where to look and he again reminded me to make sure I got my dress. My Mum was not impressed that he had rung us there and when we got home and he came around that evening, my Mum asked if he had found what he was looking for, he told us he hadnt even looked yet !!!!!!!!!
I also had a random stalker for a while who used to follow me home from work, so he insisted on driving me everywhere, so he knew I was safe, one night he wasn't back in time to give me a lift, so someone I worked with drove me home, very innocently.............but we were both in BIG trouble over it.
The point is that if I did mention this to any friends, their response would always be "How sweet, he must really love you to be so attentive and caring !!!!" So I would dismiss my doubts and tell myself how lucky I was !!!!!
For years, I was a good little girl and did as I was told, with everyone telling me I had a wonderful life. They had to be right.......didn't they ???
When things started to go very wrong, such as the thought that he would never touch me without it being full on, there were no gentle touches, no hugs, no pecks, in fact no kissing at all .........ever !!!!!
Fore Play would be a phone call telling me he was on his way home and make sure I was ready !!
Still I would broach the subject with friends and be given the same answer, "My husband can be like that, typical man !!!!!!!!!!! "
So again, I would see myself as this moaning and miserable woman, what more could I possible want, I was married to Mr Popular and he would buy me and the children anything we wanted. Why was I never satisfied !!!!!
I then slowly realised that I was always being told I had said something that I could never recall actually saying. I was told that I was thick anyway so it was no wonder I couldn't remember !!!!! I believed it. However once again, if I was to say to my friends about this, they would tell me it wasn't surprising I didn't remember everything because I always had such a lot on my plate !!!!! I still don't remember saying somethings but know realise its because I NEVER did say it !!!!!!!!
My point to all this is :
if someone ever comes to you and bears their soul, don't dismiss it, listen to them, absorb what they are saying, maybe they aren't there for a mutual "moaning about my life session"
Maybe, just maybe they are crying....no screaming out for help and support
Don't tell them that all bad behaviour is normal or you are condemning them to a long life of fear, misery and insecurity which could escalate into something that you really dont want on your conscience.
