PTSD - Part 7

Depression is another severe and obvious symptom of PTSD. When I’m depressed, I don’t feel like writing, it’s all just too hard. When I’m not depressed, I can’t explain it properly because I’m not feeling that way, so the attempted expression of it seems too cold and distant to bring it to life well enough to give anyone a real insight as to what it can be like. So I’ve been struggling to write this article for quite some time now. Fortunately, when feeling depressed a while ago, I managed to write a poem, of sorts. I’m not much of a poet, but this just kind of spilled out one night. So before getting into talking too much about the depression side of PTSD, I’ll let you read this poem so that you might get a feel for how sadly helpless and hopeless things can really feel like when depression sets in, and the sort of thoughts that go through the mind at the time…

I took my son to the park to play.

I couldn’t cope with leaving the house before then.

I couldn’t handle facing other people.

Happy people, laughing, smiling, and having fun.

My mental illness is crippling me.

I can’t function normally. I can’t work.

I can’t support myself and my family anymore.

I’m but a broken shadow of my former self.

My children are suffering for it.

They don’t deserve that.

We went after dark so he could at least play a while.

No one could see my tears then.

And I could only sit there in hope of a better day.

I took my son to the park to play.

I could only sit on the park bench and watch him.

I had to stay with my baby.

He’s sweet, innocent, and beautiful.

That won’t last forever though.

My boy was the same… once.

He witnessed me have breakdowns.

He saw the scars and the blood.

His innocence is gone.

I wonder how long I can protect my baby from myself.

It’s a frightening thought.

I can only sit here in hope of a better day.

I took my son to the park to play.

It was the only place we could afford to go.

His scooter and bicycle are collecting dust.

I can’t afford to get new tyres for them.

I can’t afford anything for him.

He doesn’t understand why I can’t work, and he blames me.

We went to a cheap shop to buy a sausage roll for him.

That’s all we can afford for dinner.

I’m going without again.

I have no appetite left anyway.

I can only sit here in hope of a better day.

I took my son to the park to play.

It might be the last time we go anywhere for a while.

I’ve got almost no petrol left in the car.

I’ve got no money left in the bank.

I can’t face the world.

I’m crippled financially and mentally.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

It’s hurting my kids as much as it hurts me.

The pain is getting too much to bare.

I can only sit here in hope of a better day.

I took my son to the park today.

If this is the last trip we ever take to the park together,

If I don’t wake up tomorrow,

I pray that it’s not my son that finds me.

I pray that someone can love and care for my kids well.

I pray my friends and family can understand.

I pray that it’s permanent.

But I’m afraid that won’t be the case.

It never is.

And that hurts too.

So I try to sit here in hope of a better day.

And I cry.

Okay, you can put the tissues away now. It’s not a good way to feel, that’s for sure. Total hopelessness, helplessness, deep sadness, like you’re grieving badly for losing someone you were very close to and loved deeply, but you haven’t lost anything, except yourself.

It seems like nothing will ever cheer you up. You might be able to fake it a bit, smile at someone, even fake a laugh at a joke, but it’s not real, and it certainly doesn’t feel real. There seems to be no escaping it. You feel like you could talk until you were blue in the face and it wouldn’t make anything better. You feel as if anything you say or do is just going to upset everyone else around you instead of making you feel better. And you just reach a point where you don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want to be near anyone. You just want to lock yourself away from the world and cease to exist.

Everything becomes an effort. It’s all too hard. You want it all to just go away; but the bills pile up, the dishes on the sink pile up, the laundry piles up, everything just keeps getting bigger and harder and more complicated. You feel tired all the time. You want to sleep all the time, but you can’t really sleep properly either. You just kind of lay there, not really awake or asleep, and you just wish a big hole would open up underneath you and suck you into it.

People start nagging at you, “Cheer up! What’s the matter with you? You should be happy!” Oh yeah, sure, rub it in why don’t ya! is all you can think. They don’t know. They wouldn’t have a clue.They think that telling you to cheer up is going to make it all better again. Yeah, sure it will, I’ll just switch off this mental illness like a light bulb and be happy just for you! It makes you irritable, you get short-tempered and snarly, you snap at people at the slightest provocation. Now you are upsetting people. You knew you would. Why couldn’t they all just go away and leave you alone?

The worst thing about depression is that it is very isolating, so talking to others about it is the last thing you want to do, but it is usually the best thing you can do if you can find someone that understands to talk about it with. It’s extremely hard, sometimes nigh impossible, to think positively, but that is what you need to do. It is possible to bring yourself out of a depressive state if you find yourself in one. Sometimes finding yourself in one is the hard part. You might not even realise that you’re depressed.

How to get out of it once you figure it out is an uphill battle all the way, but it’s a battle that can be won. Reassurance, positive thoughts, logical thoughts, and baby steps all the way. Start by getting up and washing the dishes. Then instead of thinking to yourself how much more housework there is left to do, try to think, “Hey, I did well, I got something done at last.” Every little achievement you make, write it down. Make a list of all the good things you’ve managed to do and keep looking at it, keep adding to it, and eventually you’ll find it does all just go away – because you made it go away. That’s the greatest achievement of all!

But all those things that were getting you down aren’t always removable like that, especially with a condition like PTSD. A lot of what might be bringing you down could be things from the past, and there’s not a lot you can do to change that, right? Wrong. You can try to think differently about things that have happened. You’re not weak because you’ve thought about suicide or maybe even tried to do it. You’re not weak because you have a mental illness or because you are depressed. You’re stronger than most people now, because you’ve survived, and you will keep surviving, what many people can’t. You’re not a loser or a victim. You’re a warrior and a survivor.

If you suffer from depression, or even just suspect that you might, seeking help from a mental health professional is a huge step to take, but it’s a good step to take. So many people suffer from depression it’s almost absurd, and there is no shame in seeking help for it. Seeking such help when you need it is the smart thing to do, and it does take a lot of courage to admit how you are feeling. By seeking such help you can gain support and councelling that will help you learn ways to deal with it. In some cases for some people, trialling an anti-depressant or other mood stabilising medication may be useful, and if that ends up being the case for you, keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be permanent. If you can learn to cope with depression and avoid it well enough, under medical supervision you may be able to, at some point in the future, wean yourself slowly off the medication and live a normal life again.

If you are close to someone that suffers from severe depression, you’ll know how hard it can be just to put up with them, let alone always be there to support them! There is help available for you as well. Any good doctor, mental health service, or councelling service will be able to provide you with information on how to support someone suffering from depression, and many can provide you with councelling as well, to help you help them through it. Just remember, they won’t cheer up just because you told them to.