One of the best gifts we can give our children is resilience.  Resilience is that ability to bounce back and keep going when something goes wrong.

Nobody ever gets through life with everything going their way, and if that's how we bring up our children, we are doing them

a disservice.  We are not equipping them to live in the real world where things will go wrong and they can't always have what they want.

So, we need to give them the tools and the mentality that will keep them going, despite whatever life throws at them.  Then they will be strong and persistent and confident.

The first thing I have found is that when things go wrong, to talk my son through it.  I talk to him to calm him down and ask him to tell me what happened. 

I acknowledge how he is feeling - "how frustrating for you".  Sometimes we might need to talk about how he feels and show him that this is a valid response.

Then we break it down - sometimes it is just that he has rushed something and needs to try again slowly, or he is learning something new and just needs to give it another go and he will get there.  Sometimes he has missed something or not thought through it completely yet.  Sometimes - as in relationships - something is out of his control and he can't fix it.

By this, I hope that he is learning to think through things and to follow a process of reasoning that will help him learn to problem solve.  This means that not only can he tackle something again and learn through the process, but that he is not feeling out of control.  The skill of being able to say "it did not work because I did not read the instructions properly", or "I failed the exam because I didn't read the question" will enable him to feel that he has a handle on life and can  try something until he gets it.  If something did not work, how can I tackle it next time so it will work?  That after all is how many scientists and inventors work.

For many people failure is a slap in the face and fear of failure will mean that they won't even try.  By positively handling failure, analysing it and using it to move on you are helping your child be more confident to give new things a go, to take a risk and not to see failure as the worst thing that can happen.

When fear grips you, you become powerless.  That is when we need to  break it down - what are you afraid of?  what is the worst that can happen?  if that happened what would you do next?  I remember my Dad walking me through this when I was doing my HSC and I still use it now as an adult.

Another way of reinforcing this is using the other side of this as encouragement when things go well - eg "you did well in your exam because you studied hard, you paced yourself and you read the instructions properly, I'm really proud of you" and even if they did not do so well you can still use it - "you studied hard, you read it properly and you gave it your best shot, that is all we can do - and I am proud of how well you handled it (and perhaps look forward too - eg by the next exam we will have practiced it a lot more and you will be fine )"  The praise is very factual and encourages them to do the same things next time.

This is part of what I call strategy - a strategy for handling situations  no matter what may happen.  Strategy is the process by which you approach something knowing exactly what will help you achieve your goal.  Whether it be a maths problem, an exam, some homework, or a plan for day to day living.  It means being able to say "if I do..... then... I will get through what I need to".  Sadly many children don't have this when they approach school work and it just seems like a huge mountain they don't know how to approach.  By teaching them this skill you give them the means to be able to approach it - to take it a step at a time and plan ahead - all very useful skills for life.

For our children, they learn this from watching the adults around them.  In the same process I outlined earlier, you need to give them some clear instruction on how to do it, in ways that are relevant to them, then find practical ways of reinforcing it and lastly, practicing it, with increasing independence.

If you are not sure how to teach this to your child, you can do courses and read books on studying techniques and exam strategies, you can talk to their teacher or get them a tutor who may help them develop strategies and you can reinforce the behaviour yourself whenever you can.

For example - not for learning, but for day to day living... When I had PND I had to plan things out - what were the things that needed to be done and how would I tackle them, what could be left until I was better and what were the ways that we as a family could pull together and get through each day.  That planning enabled me to feel some control and feel in power of what was happening.  For some people it could be as simple as "tomorrow I will get out of bed and get dressed". 

When we are struggling financially, I sit down and do a budget - then work out when I can pay what is owing and make plans with the relevant parties.  I may change our spending habits or look at ways of getting more income.  It is a planning process that gets us through and enable me to face each day knowing I can do it!

So you could ask a child struggling with algebra, "well, what is the first thing your teacher does?" and take it step by step.  For me the first step in anything is to write it down, make it something I can access visually.  Then I can see how to tackle it. 

These steps can really help a child who is struggling and give them a strategy that in turn gives them the confidence to give it their best shot.  Once they have that confidence they really can tackle anything and give it their best shot - what more could you ask?