I don't know really what to write i just have to explain how amazing a child can be and the way they change how you see the world, it juat might be me but all of my childhood i've had abuse via beatings,rapes,starved and left alone as i was growing

nothing changed the only thing that changed was my strength to keep trying and trying even though all i wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake again and the feeling just got stronger for me as the years went by i'd have a guy come into my life only to use and abuse me till bored then kicked to the curb

 I started to think that that was all i was i was just for people to take their problems out on but i kept trying kept being the warm hearted and caring person my foster mother had rised me to be but it was almost dried up i started to hate life and everything that went with it i stopped searching for someone to love and who'd love me back i turned suicidle and extremly angry and turned to drugsto hind my real feelings when all i wanted so much was to have what most people called a bother

Tthen one day when i was meeting someone to get more crap exuse my words but thats what it was to me but i still took it but anyway i met the man of my dreams the person i'd been searching for and not just just so i had someone to be with but he became my world 

Karl no matter what i did was always there the first couple of years was hard we had to get to know the things that troubled me i put him through hell trying to deal with my past but as the years went by i realised he must really love me for the things he has had to deal with

then i had a brake down becuase over the time of us been together his friends not all cause his good friends could see what he saw would put me down and pay me out and say to him he could do so much better but he didn't 

it got to a point where i went to my foster mothers who lived a few states away it was the worst thing i could've done i was away from the person that i was only ever safe with well thats what i was thinking when what happened to me the night i was feeling alone decided to take a few different pills and went out to the clubs it had been a few years since i'd gone out under the influence of anything and without karl i don't think i need to say what happened but i promised myself i'd never let me put myself in that position again 

months past i started to get really sick i thought i'd gotten sick from what happened karl was still trying to get me to go back to him i was feeling so lost and i missed him so much but i felt like what happened to me was my fault i went out i put myself there it wouldn't have happened if i didn't but anyway i told karl what happened he wanted me to come home as soon as possible i really wanted to go home so i did only to find out that i wasn't sick but carrying my first child!

it hit the both of us harder then anything has ever done to me and i was a mess i wanted a child but i didn't want this one i couldn't have this one it was not made from love it was the hardest thing i've ever had to go through not knowing if my head could cope with the memory and looking at my child each day what would it do to me but i couldn't abort i'm not that sort of person to me the child was alive already and i'd be killing it 

my life had just gone frome worse to hell caveing in on me TO BE REALLY HONEST I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT THROUGH IT

the day came for my little girl to come and i was filled with mixed emotions i can't really tell you what was going on up there at the time but i got through it and I SAW HER I SAW MY BABY GIRL AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I WAS HAPPY ABOUT HER i stayed in the hospital just so they could help us bond the fist few days i didn't do to well i was a mess the fourth day i just cried for me, for her and for my wonderful partner karl 

The fifth day came and i was changed i woke up feeling something i've never in my whole life thought i could feel and i realised i loved her she was my baby carried her and felt her kick me from inside she was mine she woke up and looked at me we sat quite for ages just looking at each other then the nurse came to tell me it was time to feed and she was happy to see that i was more then happy to feed sarah

Sarah was named by my partner Karl and we have been a happy family since with our precious dog Bobby alot of people say they wish their family was happy like ours i don't think we're that perfect but i know i love them and they love me.

                                     i'm sorry it's such a long story but i finally could tell someone so thank you