Re: How can I support my girlfriend?
Asked by Rukia

Question:

Please I need your advice guys.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who i have been friends with for 20+ years. my problem is this. she has been with her partner for

a few years and recently got married last October.

their dream is to have a baby. they are 26 and 28, have their own house and both work so financially they are fine. her prob is she is over weight (very) as long as i have known her she has always been big, her mum is and her sis is to. (it runs in the family)

How can I support her through this? I have never had a problem getting pregnant so i feel for her. Also all her friends are falling pregnant and un wanted too. she is taking this really hard. i fear she will give up. she has been told she needs to lose 50kg to event think about falling pregnant and she struggles with that as she uses food as a comfort and lately with all her friends fallign pregnant she is taking this really badly.

i just dont know what to say to her about it with out continuing to say it will happen one day babe. she is surrgot Aunty to my 2 kids and a few other kids but it isnt the same.

Please help me help my friend. She has been with me through thick and thin and i want to be there for her.

thanks guys

My Advice:
 

OK.  I can hear where you are coming from as we have been in a similar situation.  Some of this is directed to your friend and some to you as a friend supporting her - I hope it is not too confusing!

First of all, yes, ideally to get pregnant you need to be an ideal weight and the better your health, the better your pregnancy. 

That said, I am overweight and have been through 2 healthy pregnancies.

When I first tried to conceive it took a long time and the only answer the dr could give was my weight and I needed to lose 50kg. I went to Weight Watchers and they told me that even losing 10% could make a huge difference to my health.  So, I did (about 10kg) and I eventually conceived a healthy baby that was born 3 years after we started trying.

So the first tip I would like to share is that big  goals can be depressing - aim for a loss of 10%.  Apparently the act of losing weight - regardless of how much - can kickstart your metabolism and improve your chances.

Secondly, don't be obsessed with losing weight as fad diets can affect your body negatively (especially your metabolism) and your general health.  If you are looking at conceiving and carrying a baby you want a healthy body - not just a thin one.  So, eat a healthy diet - low GI, lots of fruit and veges and lots of water.  I also took a pregnancy multivitamin and folate the whole time we were trying.

Thirdly, exercise will make a big difference - to energy and to health.  As an overweight person it can be hard to start, so I used aqua-aerobics and walking to get fitter.  The aqua-aerobics I kept up through the pregnancy and it made a huge deal of difference to the whole experience.  I found one at the local hospital especially for pregnant women and did  it up until the week he was born.

Also, check with your doctor if there is anything working against your weight loss - eg insulin resistance, PCOS, thyroid problems etc...  They may need to be treated before trying to get pregnant as the medications are not compatible with pregnancy.

The one major thing i have missed so far is emotional support.  This is a whole separate issue on its own.  When you are desparate to have a baby and it doesn't happen, it affects your body image, your self esteem, your relationships and everything in your life.  I began to look at other pregnant women with despair, jealousy and anger.  My friends could see something was wrong, my boss could see I wasn't right and the effect on my marriage could have been devastating (had he not been such a wonderful husband).  In short, I suffered from depression.  Eventually I was told by the dr to give up trying until the depression was under control. 

Once I did this and changed my mindset, I fell pregnant almost immediately (but this will not happen to everyone!).

I recently had a friend who was in a similar situation - after 11 years of marriage she was told they could not have children and it strongly affected how she saw herself as a valuable person and a marriage partner.  All I could do was keep reassuring her that she was a lovely person (and a beautiful woman) even if she could not have children, and that her husband loved her no matter what. It was hard all around, and I think she actually coped very well compared to how I would have handled it.

She stayed positive and we kept sharing stories of women who had babies against the odds and they had their first baby in November last year to much joy!  So, lastly, keep positive, keep up hope - despite what doctors may be saying.  All you can do is try and do the best you can - the rest is out of your hands!