I write this as I am nearly at the end of a very long and difficult time in my dear son's life and my life. It is not easy to write, and the actions that took place have changed by my son and I for 'our lives'. The emotional pain
and suffering has been unreal, their is no legal recourse in the juvinile system, nor is there recourse financially or emotionally. My only solace is in acceptance and forgiveness to find my own process towards healing for my son and myself. I learned several very valuable lessons the hard way, please feel free to share my advice to all who you know, God forbid, if you know anyone's child or a parent who needs this information.
I'm a single parent and grew up in an era when 'sex' was a four lettered word and not discussed between parent and child, I'd had no experience with talking to my son about the birds and bees. I had from early childhood used the correct terminology of private parts with him, and did my best to promote an atmosphere where he would come to me with questions and gave him books that were age appropriate to read himself and pictures to create better understanding of the human body.
Lucky, I didn't need to work when he was born thanks to my dear mother, but there was another reason that lurked in my mind as well due to my own past...fear of molestation and the inability of a young child to speak up for himself. Thus, I made the decision to stay at home until he entered kindergarten and later part time employment within the school system.
My ds was diagnosed early with ADHD and later with PDDnos *pervasive developmental disorder, a form of high functioning autism. To this day, at 12, he lacks the ability to understand social skills, is reactive verbally and behaviorally, and has continued problems with learning disabilities. He has no friends to play with at home, nor is he able to generate relationships at school. So when I learned a dear friend was to lead cub scouts, she being a nurse I entered him into what I hoped would be a safe learning environment both emotionally/socially, learning about life, values, and new skills. It was a wonderfully supportive environment for him, and for me the trust, support and communication I desperately needed for learning how to parent. I was very proud of him the day he graduated from cub scout to boy scout. I continued to feel comfortable with the leadership and the group of scouts he was with until the winter of 2007.
My ds returned from a camping trip for the weekend, his scout leader told me he and another scout had been molested by scout in their patrol, and that the scout was removed immediately. I stood, numb and disbelieving. How could what I heard could be true due to the adult supervision. My trust and faith with the 5 adults present at the camp site, as well as knowing the scouts he was with for nearly 3 years. How Could This Happen! I was dumbfounded, angry, confused, how could this happen....I did everything I could to prevent molestation and now my son was a victim, as I was in my youth!
Prevention: From a very early age, promote physical boundaries of safe touch and unsafe touch, private parts touch by mom and doctor only. Any type of inappropriate behavior 'NO' and run to tell mom or teacher. 'NO secrets'. Continuous education and role play by age of situations that may arise when a child may fear, need to stand up for themselves. Very young children are inquisitive, however they too need to know about private parts with the proper name and function. 'We do not touch body parts that are covered up by diaper, underwear, bathing suits, clothing etc, only for cleaning and by the doctor. 'These are your private body parts and no one can touch them, if they do tell mom. Over and over again for any new social situation, while changing a baby with an older sibling, any learning situation...take advantage and teach about appropriate touch and inappropriate touch.
It can happen no matter if you've given the 'talk or not': My son, despite clear talking about sex and body parts, book reading, school education, and moving from cub scout to boy scout required 'sex talk' was a victim of another boy's constant badgering. I believe my son and the other victim were both set up, as they both have disabilities that are similar. Keep in mind, children, family members, adults, strangers, or teens can all be perpetrators of molestation.
If Molestation Occurs: Try not show emotion to your child of how you are feeling as this will compound the confused child, instead focus on what you can do, rather than what happened. If you need to scream, lash out, talk, whatever, do so away from your child. Do not subject your child to 'interrogations/questions of what happened, your opinion of adult or child perpetrator. Or any other type of bias, as this could jeopardize the outcome of the of the judicial system. Contact your pediatric doctor, local police, child protective services, and notify the school system administration immediately.
Focus on the positive: The positive is that there is no more molestation taking place and that you can get help for your child and the healing process has begun.
Focus on support for your child: Support your child by showing complete acceptance of them, they have not done anything wrong, and how proud of them that you are they told an adult and have stopped the molestation.
Focus on the future: Focus on the future even if it is only in one minute increments. What has taken place cannot be reversed or changed. How you choose to react and what you choose to do will set the course of your child's healing process.
My son was older, so I used the term molestation. He did participate so I told him, he made a wrong choice, he was Not a Bad Boy, rather his words of 'confused' and continued to focus on his telling the leader to make it stop. That I was and am proud of him for coming forth to end the abuse towards him and the other child with special needs and he needs to be proud of himself as well for the same reasons, because the other child was so emotionally distroat, he could not speak of what took place. Some might wonder, did I keep him in scouts...yes...was I scared...yes...however, due to the molestations, many other strategies were implemented, all leaders were aware of what happened and are now much more attentive to keep all the boys safe and continue to help them learn to become men and productive members of society.
If your 'child wants' to speak, let them, do not give your opinions or prompt them to talk, just let them know you are there to support them and help them any way possible. Have them examined by their doctor, the doctor will ask the child what took place...do not interrupt or speak when the child is talking and give no verbal opinions and do your best to show no emotions. If you need to, leave the room when the doctor is interviewing, as this might also help the child to speak more freely if they are older. The doctor will be contacted by police for a report of the event. Make sure there are no physical issues, and proper treatment is given if there are any...if in question test for std's and aids.
Contact with sexual assault counselors, provided by police of victims of sexual abuse, if the child is young, a forensic interview by a professional can be given, taped and used in court so the child will not have to live the trauma in front of a lot of strangers. If the child does not want therapy, if older like my son, then wait to help them regain some of their own strength before going through therapy...continue when the time arises to promote talking to someone who understands and is unbiased emotionally. My son did not want to talk to anyone, but he did open up to his school psychologist so I did not push the issue. When he told me "X" is in my head and I can't get him out about 2 months ago, again I continued to say I thought he should see someone to help get "X" out of his head....he has and "X" is there, but not as before. I too am in counseling for myself and for helping my son to work through what he needs. He is entering puberty now, his body is changing, his emotions are changing so I need help too to accept and to filter out what might be normal pre-teen behavior and acting out behavior that is due to the molestation.
Juvenile Court and Public School: The Juvenile Court is one of the most frustrating areas next to the school. I wanted to lash out at both for taking so long to prosecute the perpetrator and for not protect my son. Keep in mind the perpetrator has parents, has legal rights, and is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. The local police and Child Protective Services will be your ally, however, they too are subject to following the laws, and the process is very slow from reports, medical evaluations, lawyers, and finally in the court...find a way to advocate instead of infuriate yourself with this slow process despite the difficulty. You can do this be reading and asking questions of all involved, mainly the police, and school top level administrators. Do Not go spreading around what happened as you could be sued for libel or prevent prosecution to its fullest for the perpetrator. Know if they are a juvenile, there is little likelihood of punishment, rather the focus is on rehabilitation, if you seek money, you may spend more and create more animosity and frustration for yourself and focus to change any unsafe situations instead in the interests of your child.
In the school, make sure the superintendent, the principal, the lead teacher is in the know of the situation, and the psychologist as well so they can do what legally they are permitted to do to keep your child safe if his molester is in the same school as my son's was for nearly 6 months. Their hands are tied legally for removal of the child from school, however I did report the school system to Child Protective Services because the perpetrator was free to roam, not bared from any activities and he was not supervised. He continued to harass my son, as did his friends, until I stomped them with the threat of a law suit for not providing my son with a safe environment for learning, continuing to allow bullying to take place, and for not having a one on one aide for the safety and well being of nearly 1000 students within the school.
Tomorrow is another day: to try and be prepared to do the best you can with any given situation, not perfection, I'll try to change a current state law or school law to protect other children. I'll speak out to other mothers so they will not feel alone. By not becoming a victim, rather an advocate for change you will show your child strength, motivation to change what he doesn't like, and acceptance rather than denial and victimization through indifference or silence of sexual molestation. This is also a way to release your frustration and anger towards a goal for change.
Finally: Know that you have done your best as a mother, a parent, and a person to protect your child. For me, I ask what lesson I'm to learn, through the journey of my healing. Guilt is a waste of my power and my energy as is continued anger towards the molester. I've learned most children who molest have been molested or are in some type of abusive situations themselves...this is not to condone what was done, rather part of the process for me of understanding the 'why' that may never be answered. Try to be as kind, understanding, and forgiving as I can towards myself for my feelings and my anger by working through the process of healing for myself and for/with my child. This does not mean I forgiveness for the molester, quite the opposite, the forgiveness is for me so I can move on with my life helping my child to grow as best as he can, with the best self-image and self-esteem and life education possible. Working through my emotions is difficult, this is a web site I get daily 'blurbs' that help me through a day, the concepts are just that, really simple, however, the challenge for me daily is to implement the actions without reactions first. A Mother Teresa quote at this site last week has become a bit of a daily meditation for me, "Take care of the small things in life daily and all else will fall into place"....I try, one day at a time, I'm a work in progress, hoping to learn my own life lesson.
Methods to reduce anger found at www.Reallysimple.com: a web site that has many ways to help in all aspects of life to reduce stress and make life a more enjoyable journey.
http://www.realsimple.com/realsimple/gallery/0,21863,1779636,00.html
(July 8th) (
