Daddy

Re: Daddy
Asked by anita68

Question:

Hi, im 24 and i have a 6yr old son. His dad has never met him and moved to another country shortly after he was born. We have no contact with him and he denied that he was my sons dad. His family live near me and they say hello but carry on as if they no nothing about it. It has really frustrated me for so long and i no its their loss. I still feel so rejected and small for what he did. I thought i had dealt with it but my son looks just like him! Iv made no efforts to contact him as i know i will be rejected. Id really like some advice on how i might deal with this and regain my self esteem. I would really appreciate some advice about the best time to tell my son the reality i know he is quiet young but i need to be prepared and get there before he hears this at school. please help x

My Advice:

I am coming from a similar angle on this one.

I came into a relationship where my now wife already had to adorable children and I was lucky enough that on my 1st "fathers day" with them I got a sweet "Happy Bob's Day" card from them. I don't know if there is anyone else in your life that means a lot to yourself and your son but if there is they need to be accepted in a similar way.

For my sake, I am lucky that the "sperm donor" has never wanted access let alone acknowledge or practice his parental rights.

He has been in and out of prison and really would not be a desirable roll model in any case.

MY daughter can remember him and sadly, the violence and on her own, cut him from all photo's and hence from her future. This said, it was some time that my son was informed but we didn't wait for him to ask about it. He seems to understand and has never talked about him...a good thing or not I am unsure. What I do know though is that it hasn't scared him from getting on and making a life for himself.

Don't be frightened to tell kids the truth from an early age, they see and hear most of it 1st hand in the school environment and will only ask you awkward questions when you least expect and are less prepared to offer answers. Best it be on your terms.

As for the rejection that you are feeling just shows that you are as normal as the next person. We must deal with rejection in positive ways so that they do not fester inside us and cause us to become ill. Be strong for your son.

Do some fun things for yourself and get out there and meet some new friends or catch up with old ones. Lead by example and show your son how exciting life can and should be.

You need to be able to be at ease with your son about this matter if you are to introduce him to any long term male acquaintances that have interest in you otherwise he may become confused about the whole thing. Just like the love you have for your son, he needs to know that there may be other people that want to love you in a similar way and that you are in no way trying to replace his dad. Having said that, if he has no memory of his dad there really is no one to replace.

Even though he may be an absolute disgrace to us devoted dads out there and maybe even yourself, don't say this to your son, don't take sides.

"ANYONE CAN BE A DAD BUT IT TAKES A SPECIAL PERSON TO BE A FATHER"