Dealing with Depression

This is such a difficult story for me to write.

Many of you know me as the "positive person", the one who always sees the bright side to life, and never has a negative word to say.
This was not true 3 years ago.

Three years

ago, I tried to commit suicide. Multiple times, I don't even remember how many times.

I remember crying everyday, wanting the world to end.
I remember crying on park benches, not caring whoever saw me.
I remember sitting on my bed, staring at my blank wall. Not saying a word.
Those memories seem like yesterday.

Even as I write this, tears form in between my eyes.

For a while, I suffered from Depression. And funny thing is, it was an undiagnosed kind. What I mean is, I suffered alone. No-one knew. Only I knew the pain I felt everyday of my life.

Basically, it began when someone I thought loved me, walked out on me. In one minute, he made me feel like the luckiest person alive, then in another, he would make me feel worthless. I was emotionally abused for so long, thinking that everything was okay. I was stupid, naive, just wanting to be loved. This is when the Depression began.

He went from being a perfect image in my mind, to the reason why I would cry alone at night. I remember studying for my TEE (Tertiary Entrance Examination), and thinking: "I don't even care if I stuff this up".

I remember sitting in class, and fighting back tears, as I told my friend: "I can't take this anymore".

I used to cry so much, I ended up getting Asthma for a while. It sounds impossible, but trust me, I had it. I went to the hospital, I even went for an x-ray, but they could find nothing wrong with me. But I knew what was wrong with me. That was what hurt the most. I sat in the waiting room with my mum, and remember crying to myself, because the only thing that mattered to me had left, but it was ME that was suffering the consequences.

I cried so much, that I was prescribed some inhalers, to help with my breathing. Basically, I spent all day, everyday, crying my lungs out, and my body couldn't take it anymore.

After a while of suffering, I decided that I needed closure. I needed to tell him what I'd been through and let him know that I had to move on. And as you'd expect, he tried to make things return back to "normal". But of course, there the downward spiral began again. He was back to his controlling self, and there I was crying again. But this time around, it was different.

All those months of crying, changed something in me. It changed something in him. In that space of time, I learnt that although there are some bad people in the world, there are so many that are good. And all my friends, who supported me, who were my shoulders to cry on, taught me that. And it was that 'light at the end of the tunnel' that got me through.

I came to the realisation that I was not in the wrong at all, it was him that was.

But the story doesn't end there.

Although I had that 'epiphany', it seemed that my Depression was not dealt with properly. I had reached a stage where I told myself: "I don't need a man, I can do whatever I want", and this led me onto the path of self-destructive behaviour. I'll be honest, I did stupid things in that time. I am so ashamed of some things, I want to cry as I write this. I drank for the wrong reasons; I made decisions, based on a lack of self-respect. I did so many things, that I wish I could take back.

But it was when I thought my life was nearly over, that I met the love of my life, Lawrence. He changed everything for me. He taught me that there ARE good people in the world, ones who will love you for who you are, regardless of what you've done.

He sympathised with me, because he'd been through a similar thing, being made to feel worthless.

The journey between Lawrence and I hasn't been easy. There have been so many nights, where he has had to fight back my tears, as I felt insecure of losing him. Not once, throughout our relationship, has he ever given me a reason to doubt his love. He has been there for me, as I've tried to stab myself in the arm. He's been there for me, as I've tried to choke myself. He's been there for me, when my mind has relived all those bad memories.

Lawrence and I have an understanding about Depression, that not many people understand. Some people may read this and think: "Wow, you must have been stupid, to let a man control you like that". But when you see a person in need of help, you should never ask: "What is wrong with you?" but instead, you should ask: "How can I help?"

The thing people don't realise is that for the first time in my life, I had felt loved, and everything I knew, had been ripped away from me. And all throughout that time, I was made to feel worthless. There is no worse feeling, than knowing that the person you respect most in the world, thinks NOTHING of you.

So, I guess, that's where my positive attitude comes from.
Ever since I went through such a trying time, I learnt that the most special thing you can ever do for someone, is listen to them... listen to their cry for help.

I know that some probably think that I regret everything that has happened to me. Yes, I do regret some of it. I regret the stupid decisions I made, while I was feeling Depressed.

But, not for a second, do I regret all the bad things that have happened to me. I know it sounds cliche, but without it all, I honestly wouldn't be who I am today.

I sympathise so well with people now, because I know what it's like to want to commit suicide. I know what it's like to feel so alone, that you want the world to end.

If I didn't go through what I did, Lawrence's friend wouldn't be alive today. His friend went through a very difficult stage, similar to us. But one day, when we were all hanging out, I saw something in him that was so familar. I saw a cry for help in his eyes, that I had seen in myself. I spent the whole night talking to him about his problems. He reminded me so much of myself. And at the end of it all, it seemed like my words had helped him, because he said to me: "You know what? I was going to commit suicide tonight. I had it all set up, everything.. I was going to go home, then do it.. But you stopped me from doing it.."

And those words have stuck with me for the last two years.
Those words have reaffirmed exactly why I'm alive today, why I was meant to live.

For some, when things go wrong, they blame God. As a Catholic, this is not how I deal with things. I remember going through my Depression and thinking about what Mother Teresa had once said: "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle".
I used to repeat those words in my mind, telling myself that one day, things would be ok. One day, I would feel loved, and that I wouldn't feel so alone.

And not only am I loved, but I have a fiance who loves me for who I am, a daughter who smiles at me and says: "Mum" to get my attention. And another child on the way.

I know that everything I went through, had a reason. And the reason, was to learn to empathise with others. And to help them, like I had helped myself.

The reason why I wrote this article is to send out a message. As someone who went through such a difficult time, I know what it's like to feel alone, to feel unwanted. And so, it is very important to recognise people's cries for help.

When I was Depressed and threatened suicide, many of my friends didn't know how to deal with it. They called me stupid, they said they were disappointed, most of them didn't even take me seriously.

But you must remember, as human beings, we must learn to love eachother, and be there for one another.

When Lawrence's friend was feeling down, Lawrence and I sat outside McDonalds, at 2am, just so he wouldn't feel alone. I had a test to study for, but I didn't care. I remember when I had felt Depressed and had wished that someone, at 2am, would talk to me.

I know that for a lot of people, pills help them cope with their Depression. But for me, I never needed pills. I needed to reach an understanding within myself, and realise that I WAS a worthwhile human being.

I needed to learn to stand up for myself, to not be afraid of having an opinion, and to be loved for who I am.

And I HAVE reached that stage in my life. I will no longer let people walk all over me, tell me what to do, or make me feel worthless.

And that is EXACTLY how everyone in your life should make you feel. Everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves to have a say.

In a way, I feel like my daughter Alisha, saved me from myself.
She's only 15 months old, yet I can feel the love in her eyes, when she looks at me.
She's taught me to love myself for who I am.
I may not be the typical 20 year old, that likes to party and get drunk.
But I am me, I'm the mother and wife who likes to help people.
I am the person who decided to give up University, to become a great mother to my children.
And I am the weirdo who sits at the computer and eats strawberries at 6am in the morning. Lol

But I'm proud of everything I am, even the mistakes I've made.
Because without those mistakes, I wouldn't be who I am today :)

Now, please remember, if anyone ever seems to be crying out for help, whether it be about their financial problems, or even their pet passing away, do listen to them. As parents, we all know that life is a constant day-to-day struggle, but to know that someone out there, cares about you, makes life so much more livable.

Speaking on behalf of someone who has seen the ups and down of life, I know that it is very important to remember that there is ALWAYS 'a light at the end of the tunnel'. I appreciate life so much more now, because of everything that has happened to me.

You see, life can sometimes throw you so many obstacles, some that may seem insurmountable. But as I saw and experienced, there is always a bright side to things. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and although you may not understand that reason now, you will eventually.

And instead of making people feel like their problems are trivial, acknowledge them. Help them, be their shoulder to cry on.

Because, if I had never had a shoulder to cry on, I wouldn't even be alive today. I wouldn't have been here to tell my story...

I hope that by reading this, everyone remembers to always be empathetic with people. You never know what's going through a person's head, or even, life, so empathy is the greatest gift you can ever give to them.

Writing this article was possibly the hardest thing, I have ever had to do. I tried writing this so many times, but would stop midway, because I was scared of what you all may think of me. I was ashamed that I may come across like a petty dysfunctional teenager.

But that's not how it was at all. I was someone who needed help, but had to cope with it all on my own, which is why I wrote this straight from the heart. I did this for you all.

I want you all to know that you are NEVER alone. And if no-one else will be there for you, I will be.. because I've been through it. And not only have I survived.. but I've learnt to appreciate the gift that is life...

And so should you :)