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Working through loss/grief with your child

exquisite-flower by exquisite-flower Young Parent(September 2008) (rank 2nd)

Setting the scene:

In August 2007 my brother (PJ) passed away.  He was a wheelchair user with MS.  We visited irregularly, but as often as possible, and always when he was in hospital which was about couple of times a year.  We saw him about 12

days before he passed away and took him out for a pub lunch where we ate chicken and he played the grab machines with E. 

She loved her Uncle.  Understood that he was unwell, but that he loved her and she always enjoyed going to see him.  The last time we saw him at the pub she was so excited because he was in good health all in all.

Then one Tuesday we got a phone call saying to go see him.  It was school summer holidays here in the UK so I said we would get the first bus over in the morning.  Mum said, "No, go now".  I was like "I can't, I have to speak at homegroup tonight."  Then she started crying, I realised that this was serious and I needed to go.  But how to get there at 7pm. 

I was crying - I couldn't help it.  Tears just rolled down my face.  E couldn't understand it, Uncle PJ had been unwell before and I had not cried.  In a quandray I said that he was very unwell and might die.  She had a vague knowledge that this concept existed - she was 4 years old.  So she accepted what I said, gave me cuddles and told me in all her wisdom that "It would all be OK Mummy"  (Anything to get me to stop crying right!?!)

But she was right and we went over there to his house.  We got there and spent the evening with him, he was in a coma and had been since the previous Saturday.  While I waited for my parents to arrive I went in to see him and E stayed with the friend who had given us a lift.  Later when my family arrived I came out and they spent some time with him.  And we all were in there together.  By about 10pm I took E in as well because we were certain that this was our last chance to say "Goodbye."

It was a poignant moment, but one that was special and beautiful in its own way.  E and I came home, and later in the night my parents and brother joined us as there were no hotels available for them to book into at that time of night.  We spent some time chatting and calling family in NZ finally getting E to bed and us soon after.  In all honesty I didn't sleep that night.  Each time I closed my eyes I would end up suddenly realising that my eyes were open again and I was just staring into space.  By 4am I gave up and got up as did my Mum, we had a drink and a chat in the kitchen and then went to our places to lie down again for a while longer until it was really time to get up. 

My family went home that Wednesday and it was the next night (Thursday) that he died.  Now I really had to work out what to say to E.  How much would/could she understand?  I had no idea.  PJ was young (ish) even to her eyes and so I was honest.  We are a Christian family so we spoke a little of Heaven, but not much - I sure can't describe what it lossk like or what happens there.

We talked about the fact that he was no longer here, and on the day of the funeral we went to the funeral home to see the body and it was so lovely and nicely laid out that we even took her in with us to see him.  In this instance it helped.  She got the fact that this was his body but that his soul/spirit was not there any more, this was just his physical 'shell' and the man we loved and knew was now in heaven.

We did not talk about cremation or burial.  He was cremated and his wife has the ashes to do with as she would/will.  We have no headstone to visit, so we are very free to grieve him/remember him without having a specific point of reference to go to to do this. 

Over the past year we have discussed heaven a few times, she is convinced that as a Professional Clown her Uncle is in heaven amusing Jesus and the angels with tricks, bad jokes and funny faces.  Often she will see pictures of angels with wings and halos, or floating on clouds - even in cartoons or TV adverts - and she will say why do they do that.  The only answer I can give is that this is a way to pictorialise heaven in the media for people to understand, but that noone really knows what it is like until they get there.  It is the most honest I can be honestly having no real idea as to the proper answer.

On that first Saturday we had a school holiday art activity and we went to it, mainly because I needed some normality in our life and to do something we had been doing for weeks made sense.  So along we went and this particular week the children were to look for inspiration in the garden, make sketches and they would make prints from what they saw. It was lovely when E turned to me and told me that this was Uncle PJ's heavenly garden.  Where he now resided.  

As time went on and we were home in school holidays and E was upset she would start to cry.  When asked why "I am missing Uncle PJ" was her reply.  I doubted this, but made no big deal of it, then one day I saw it happen.  She was playing perfectly happily with two friends and suddenly she was sobbing.  "I am missing Uncle PJ".  OK I thought, this is freaking these kids out, they were slightly older, but  had no concept really of grief and loss.  I nearly panicked.  What was I to do??  I didn't want these kids being adversely affected.  I gave her some cuddles and reassured the children that she was ok, but that this was natural when someone you love dies.  The other two accepted what I said and went off to play elsewhere, I went to their mother, explained what had happened in case there was further discussion later on and I took E home.  We then 'made a deal' or an agreement.  Neither of us would cry in front of other peole any more, we would just do it at home, and if we needed to go home 'Now Already!' then we would get the other person and let them know, and then we would come home to grieve in private. 

As E started school a couple of weeks later this worked perfectly.  Her teachers were aware, but even then she still 'saved her grief' until she was away from the other children, and usually home so we could share happy memories and look at photos of the fun times we had.   

E's three memories:
1) He always said "I love you" to her.
2) I always held his hand as we walked along.
3) He always told bad jokes

Points to remember:

  • 1) Be honest (less lies to remember)

 

  • 2) Leave out extra detail (they can be filled in later on as necessary)

 

  • 3) Answer any and all questions literally and plainly (deny the desire to elaborate)

 

  • 4) Leave yourself scope to build on in the future (death is part of life, so it will come back again at some point with funeral cars or pets or plants or something)

 

  • 5) It is not 'bad' or 'nasty'.  It is a fact of existence and just something to be accepted like breathing and eating.  It is not taboo (to be ignored/swept under the carpet) and it is not to be concentrated on/obsessed about.

 

  • 6) It is OK to be sad, to remember the happy times and to talk about the person. 

 

  • 7) Everyone deals with loss and grief differently.  Some need counselling, others need to talk or cry.  It is a process to work through and to allow yourself and others to work through.

 

  • 8) Do not bottle it up.


Most recently it has been me remembering him one year later and it hit me hard.  I woke up one night sobbing my heart out.  It was strange cuz I felt I had lost something, but I knew where it was.  Then I realised that what I had lost was PJ.  So while I am crying E wakes up and wonders what is going on.  I said "nothing - go back to sleep" having resolved my feeling of loss and not wanting to disturb her.  So she came and gave me a big hug and said "It will all be OK Mummy, Don't cry any more".  So I told her I just missed Uncle PJ for a moment and that it was OK now, I knew where he was.  She smiled in her understanding wise way, patted my arm finally letting me know that  "He is in heaven Mama;" and something to the effect of  "Dry your eyes now and go back to bed".  I heard in her my own words coming back that I had used to her a year ago.  The next morning she made sure I was happy and OK and not missing him any more.  She has not referred to it again.  I cried, that is it. 

To Conclude:

If/when you need to talk to your child(ren) about loss and grief let them lead.  Inform the school and if relevant any other adults they come into contact with in case they choose to tlak to them instead of you.  Always be available to chat about it though, even if it tears you apart.  You are your child's stable rock in a situation that seems uncertain and so need to provide them with that dealing with your own feelings and emotions later on. 

At the same time you need to be honest and admit that you miss that person/pet as well.  If you weep a weep and they are there that is ok - it is not about hiding your reaction to events, but to support them first and foremost through their journey.  The way we behave affects our lives forever and we need wisdom and understanding of our children and family around us as well as awareness of our own needs. 

It is no way near easy.  It is too hard sometimes.  We can only do our best in a sad circumstance.  There is no magic formula (well that that I came across  yet).  Maintaining honesty and openness in your family relationships will go a long way to making sure you are there for each other and supporting each other through.  Shutting people out isolates you and hurts everyone even more.

I pray that if this situation applies to you then you will find a way to communicate with those around you and that you will benefit somehow from our experience. 

Peace
EF.x

 

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RockerMama
March 2011 | RockerMama
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thank you for sharing such a special time

I lost a friend a few days ago and my dd has very little understanding of how to handle it

This advice is lovely and thoughtful so thank you for your time and effort



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      exquisite-flower
March 2011 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child
I am glad you appreciate the content here. I hope it is helpful in your situation and that you can find a way through. We have experienced a lot of loss in recent years, and this has made us closer, stronger, and more aware of each other in many ways. I am sure lil E has been too young in many ways to deal with a lot of it, but with just the two of us we had to find a way that was honest. This year she has been fantastic while i have been doing my grieving, so supportive and understanding that I need space, time or just a hug. Thank you for your encouragement.x


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Marglr
March 2011 | Marglr
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

As a child the losses were many and that being a long while back the idea was to shield kiddies.  Well kiddies, if not lovingly guided, come to their own conclusion when in need of answers. All my parents managed was to make me feel so alone and scared because I didn't understand what was happening to them. It made the many future losses take me back to those feelings.  I think you have set a wonderful tone for Miss E.  And I now feel that the celebration of the life lived can only truly start after the mourning occurs.  It is some thing that has to happen and be experienced before you can complete the grieving.  Wonderful article Ms. EF on a very difficult subject!



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      exquisite-flower
March 2011 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thank you hun, things have changed vastly in many ways.  At the same time I am aware of how many people have disagreed with the way I saw best to do things.  The usual acceptance has been that it is different for everyone, and this is so true.  There are some children who cannot handle these kinds of situations, and it is as much down to the way the inclusion/exclusion of certain aspects of the whole process that affects how we deal with similar situations in the future.  She is a wonderful child, and has helped others to grieve just by being able to understand a little of their pain/loss and behave appropriately.  Last year my cousin was able to bring her toddler to the funeral and I believe that this was in part because we had paved that way three years previously with lil E. 

 



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exquisite-flower
November 2010 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Coming back here today has been good for me.  It has been a long time since I felt able to just open this page and have it there in front of me.  On my brothers memorial day this year we looked through his memory box for the first time.  It was poignant.  Later that day we went to G'g'ma and G'g'pa's house to celebrate their birthdays.  It was a perfect day of sadness and happiness for us really.

A month later G'g'pa passed away.  We were honoured to assist the famiy members carry the casket into the house for the viewing period.  E held G'g'ma's hand to help give her strength.  She is so thoughtful and capable in these situations.  We then spent some more time just being in the house.  G'g'ma got some paper, pens and stickers and E created a small piece of rembrance in art to go on the casket lid.  It was beautiful, and was about E's relationship with her G'g'pa which made it tug at our heart-strings. 

When everyone was busy around the house again E asked if she would touch him.  She was very respectful as she asked, and we waited until we were totally private so as not to intrude on anyone elses grief.  I folded back the lace cover, and showed her what to do, then she gently took his hand in hers, said her goodbyes, commented on the texture, and that was that.  Very matter of fact, very sweet, and so accomplished. 

E is now 7.  She has dealt with so much over the last few years, but each time she is sad we chat.  If she thinks I am sad she will come give me cuddles too.  I am very privileged and blessed to have such an amazing daughter and share the open honest relationship we have.  I stand by the advice I shared above.  Each circumstance is different, each reaction is unique, each moment is precious, each process is individual, but at the end of the day they are all very similar as well.  Being considerate, aware and there for each other will always help everyone get through one of these sad situations. 

Keep smiling, sharing the good times, making new memories and keep it real

Peace
EF.x



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tatiana
December 2008 | tatiana
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

it's a hard thing to go through/explain to your child.  We just had to go through recently when our dog died.  It's not her uncle but we had this dog befoer she was born and we're having a gard time day to day not seeing her aroung anymore



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      exquisite-flower
November 2010 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Tatiana, thank you for your reply.  Pets are also such important members in our families, sometimes more meaningful to us than some other members!  lol

Peace
EF,x



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iluvdajb4eva
December 2008 | iluvdajb4eva
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thankyou for writing such a gorgeus and tear wrenching article, may your brother rest in peace, my condolences to you. My brother Joseph passed away not to ,long ago and my son missed him dearly it was hard but we worked through it in the end. Now I recently had another and I named it in his memory always and forever my joseph. Thankyou so much.



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      exquisite-flower
November 2010 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

That is such a beautiful idea, to let the name 'live on' as it were.  Thank you for replying.  It has taken me a long time to revisit this because I was not sure if I would be able to look at the screen!  Oh dear, that sounds so melodramatic.  Recently (Sept 2010) my Grandpa, E's GreatGrandpa aka G'g'pa, passed away.  It has been a special time but I have also felt out of my depth.  So I came back here to read through and acknowledge the replies and get some advice as well.  It has been good to read back through and also to know that however alone it feels we are never alone, others are out there somewhere who understand. 

Peace
EF.x



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briefingonlyme
December 2008 | briefingonlyme
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Hi

I read your article with much interest.  My children are all teenagers but lost their first grandparent when only 3, 2 and 6 months.  I too dealt with this process in much the same way as you did.  Although I am not a Christian (Buddhist), my husband is a Christian and so living in a Christian society we decided to go with the Christian beliefs so that they would have some continuity in what people were telling them.  I was often told that I was wrong in the way that I handled her death with my children so it is great to know that other people respond in the same way that I did.

My children are now very accepting of illness and death.  It has been 15 years since their gandmother died.  When their great grandfather died around 5 months ago, they were still understandably upset and grieving but the process was not as difficult as it had been.  Their previous experiences helped them to adjust to their latest loss.

I think the way you handled the death of your brother was wonderful and can only commend you for your persevierance.

Keep smiling.  Times will sometimes be difficult times but your memories will help.

Wendy



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      exquisite-flower
November 2010 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thank you Wendy.   It certainly is reassuring to know when people respond in a similar way.   As for which belief system we use, there are rituals we all do - sometimes they even overlap, and as long as they bring comfort and sense to our lives at the time that we work through things then I reckon we are doing good given the circumstances. 

I have just revisited this advice looking for advice as we are just dealing with losing my Grandpa.  We moved to be near him in January and had 9 sweet months of making memories and sharing life with him.  Never long enough, but waaaaay better than nothing at all!  This experience has been harder in many ways because we have family around us supporting us, and we are allowed to have our more vunerable moments. 

Peace
EF.x



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Jornah
November 2008 | Jornah
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Hi,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother and I am very impressed with the way you & E coped.  I too have lost my brother.  It was 18 years ago now and it is still hard to cope with that loss.

The hardest thing is trying to explain to my children what he was like as No1 was only 8 months old and No's 2 & 3 were not even thought of.  I have lots of photos so at least they can see what he looked like.

Keep your chin up and remember your brother is watching over you both.

Kiera



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      exquisite-flower
December 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thank you for your thoughts.  Sometimes it does still knock us sideways - and sometimes I find myself over-reacting to a mundane situation and getting it all out of proportion, apparently another side-effect of grief.  He will always live in our hearts and that is a reat comfort. 

Good on you for keeping the memories alive for your children!  That is so precious.

Peace
EF.x



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djfirebrand
November 2008 | djfirebrand
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

 I just got back on Minti from a loooong break, and I saw this article.

I am so glad you got to be there with him at the end. That is probably the one thing in my life I regret, that I couldn't be there. It still tears me apart that I had to say goodbye and make my peace with him over the phone.

Love you and E, miss you both. Thanks for this article :-)

Peace xXx



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      exquisite-flower
November 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Oh bro.  Well, I got a massive cuddle from E because I am so teared up I cannot even type. 

He knew we loved him and that we only wanted him safe and happy.  All will be well.  I love you and miss you so much.  ♥massive hugs♥

Peace and love
your big sister.xxx



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seeweed1
November 2008 | seeweed1
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Honestly that was amazing how you handled that and your little girl must be very special to be so mature about your loss, I would say thanks to you. I lost my son in 2000, he was 27 and had been on dialysis for nearly 4 years, it was a hard one to handle and I found your article helpful, Thanks



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      exquisite-flower
November 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

I am glad you found it helpful.  I am sorry for the loss of your son.  I am very fortunate to have had E by my side, and I know that she has also been a great blessing to my mother and father as they struggled with PJ passing.  Her cuddles, innocent repetitions of our reassurances aimed back at us and many other child-ish things that have been sweet in their innocence. 

It has been just over a year for us now, but in the last month we have all commented on how it still knocks us for six, to behonest I am not sure how long it goes on for or if it goes forever.  I hope in time it becomes 'bitter-sweet' instead of the crippling blow that tends to catch us at the moment.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, as well as the other members who have repllied here. It is so similar but so different for every one of us.

Peace
EF.x



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angieloveskane
October 2008 | angieloveskane
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

wow i wish i had this advice when my girls lost their father in 2002, we still are grieving to this day and probably will forever, my eldest daughter is still so angry with the world and is still having counselling . thanks for your advice it will help us a lot.  angie



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      exquisite-flower
November 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Oh Angie, the grief will always be there - or so people keep telling me.  And there are days when I am completely knocked for six by something mundane and ordinary, something unrelated with my brother, memories and anything else, but it is still part of the process.  Staying stuck in the grief is not a good place but moving through the process is something that continues always as we carry those precious memories and 2002 is not all that long ago.  I wish you and your family all the best

Peace
EF.x



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vonny
October 2008 | vonny
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

thank you for sharing,ive havent lost any one close to me or my children, i cherish all my loved ones now,  im not sure how grief would effect my kids, i would encourage them to talk and express how they feel,thanks again



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      exquisite-flower
November 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Although this is not an experience we want to go through it is one we all know we will face at some point in life.  It is the 'circle of life'.  Being prepared to be open and supportive as a family makes it all a whole lot easier.  This is the kind of thing that can tear a family apart, or bring them closer together.  Being open in dailylife lays a good ondation for continued communication when something hits hard and hurts you all as a family as well as individuals.

Peace
EF.x



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cook65
October 2008 | cook65
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

I lost my beautiful mother just 6 weeks ago  after a short battle with an aggresive cancer ,and my 3 girls lost there treasured Nanna. Whilst my eldest ( nearly 20) coped quite well, it was misses 4 and 5 who "blew me away".  Both H and N cuddled me and asked me not to cry " cause Nanna is sleeping now".

For 4 months they watched me and their grandpa care for Nanna and whenever they asked what was wrong with Nanna , we told them the truth. Nanna is very sick and old.

H  made my father cry because she told him that " Nanna lives in our hearts now Granpa" ,  After Mum died we went outside and the girls picked the brightest star and that is Nanna looking down on us.

It constanly amazes me that we hide things from children when they cope better than most adults with the truth.

We talk openly and honestly about Nanna dying and both my husband and I are proud of our 3 girls for the way they have coped

 



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      exquisite-flower
November 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

I am so sorry for your loss.  Children are such a gift, I think because of their innocence and in some cases even their very niavety they can just accept these things that we overthink and they prove the point that when we work together as a family we can support and love each other bringing strength even in our weakest moments.

You will always have the thoughts of your mother treasured in your hearts, and so will your children.  Even one memoryis precious.  The other day we were talking and E couldn't remember much which upset her slightly,  I think it was why she opened the conversation, but she remembered how he made her feel and so I mentioned a few things we had done with him and we looked at just a couple of pictures and she was ok again.  Since then she keeps remembering things and the joy in her eyes is precious

Peace
EF.x



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vonwey
October 2008 | vonwey
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

I agree with so much of what you said. My step father of 35 years died 2 years ago. My child 11, had not seen him for a few months but got to spend time with him the last 6 months. I was honest with my daughter, we are a born again christian family so my 4 kids had grown up knowing about God and Jesus. My daughter cried when she was little hearing the story of Jesus dying on the cross and saying why did they kill my Jesus, mommy. The night before my dad died I wanted that moment to be special too. So we sang Jesus loves you and the Aleleuia chorus to him, really not knowing that would be the last time we would see him. I had let my child color pictures and told my dad many times she loved him. She was not quite 8 at the time. I did inform her teachers and have had a wonderful support  from friends for my kids.

An idea we have done is we have gone to his grave on his birthday and holidays let off balloons in the air or even tied them to his grave. On Valentines days we told my mom, her grandma to the grave and we let her let off a balloon that was heart shape. We know his body is just in the grave and his soul is in heaven because he had accept Jesus and read his bible everyday, but it was a symbol to my daughter and it helped her grief. Her grandma does not want stuff tied to his grave anymore so I think we will let them go from our yard. After school many times he friends would ask what are you doing or they would talk about their grandpa's, my child would say her died or that she was going to see her grandpa's grave. In fact 2 months after my dad died my father in law died too, she had not seen him for years so that has been different. My 3 older kids all have grieved different. I have many times cancelled something I was going to go to or what I was going to do at that moment to hear their hearts and value them. Draining at times and I had to rely on the Lord Jesus to give me strength and he did.

It has been 2 years now and the pain is lighter but their are times my kids need to talk and remember. My one son lives long distant away so that has been a different way to hear, lots of phone calls. Couple of my other kids just don't always say much, they know they can and you can tell in their eyes but they know I am there. My 3 older kids lost their grandpa(my ex husbands father) 5 years ago so they have said we have no grandpa either. But God is so good and he helps heal our hearts and gives us strength when we don't think it possible. Don't be afraid to let friend know if you are having an off day or if you want to just have a quiet moment. Also don't forget the families a year or so down the road, that is when it is hard too cuz the numbness is worn off, Send a card and just call you will be surprised what that does.

Thank you so much for sharing your article and I will be praying for your family in your loss. I am so sorry.

VW



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      exquisite-flower
October 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Faith is a great help in times that are tough.  I hope that things are getting easier for you and your family. 

We often share memories, just when we need to; and although we remember on the special days we keep it low-key.  The best part for us is that there is no specific place to go to, so there is a lot of freedom in remembering, favourite places and just catching up as we feel like it.

Peace
EF.x



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nabutters
September 2008 | nabutters
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

yes we lost both granparents last yr with 6 weeks gap of each one dying and it was very hard for my kids. I wish i saw this advice then...Its hard going through a death but harder for children to understand....thank u for sharing this, its a great article....and i am also sorry for your loss....

take care naomi xxx



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

I actually tried to write this last year, but couldn't get it posted up.  In hindsight that is a good thing as it was overly emotional.  I am sorry to hear of your grandparents, it is kinda sweet to 'go together' in a sense, but for those left behind it is a double whammy when there is nothing left.  I hope you are all coming through it OK now.

Peace
EF.x



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joeanne
September 2008 | joeanne
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

My sister has just loss her x husband and she has two kids to him so this really helps. Thanks 



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Bless you all.  Spending time remembering has been a great balm for us.  Even recounting things from before E was born, childhood memories, University, favourite foods etc has helped too.  My heart goes out to your sister.  If she is on Minti and wants to Minti-mail me, then that is fine - or if you want to chat further. 

Peace
EF.x



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Rukia
September 2008 | Rukia
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

We have just had to do this with our cat to our kids..

I am not looking forward to when a family member dies and having to explain to the kids, but this is a wonderful reference that I will bookmark.

Thank you so much for sharing this.



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

I hope you never have to deal with this with your children in relation to a family member, but if it does happen then I hope this does help somewhat for you as much as for them

Peace
EF.x



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nell18-3
September 2008 | nell18-3
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

This is beautiful EF

I remember this all so well as it was when I first met up with you all this was happening. you have done amazing

xxx

 



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thank you ... I stand by the fact that you rescued me those times you came to visit.  I really don't know how much harder it would have been without you coming up and helping me keep on going.  This year has been hard for us both, but with our friends beside us we have made it through and will go on only to be stronger.

Peace
EF.x



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Ravenheart
September 2008 | Ravenheart
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

wow, what a great piece of writting, thank you for taking the time to share your story with us.

its a great article..

xoxox



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thank you.  Although this is something that I would never wish anyone to experience it is a fact of life and one we in some peripheral way need to be prepared for in case it ever does come and knock us off balance. 

Peace
EF.x



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janicepovey
September 2008 | janicepovey
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

 What a heartfelt article in so many ways.....I think you are an amazing Mum with how you dealt with this so sad loss of your  dear brother PJ with E. So touching reassuring, comforting and above all else no lying to her.

I remember this sad time for you my dear friend and know it hit you so very hard....I sincerely hope in writing this article you also find it to be a small step in healing. And know that you have friends around you that are here if you so need them.

The loss of a loved one is always hard to deal it, no matter what age you are....your beautiful article will help many in there time of need.

Much Love Janice



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thank you Janice.  It has not been easy andmany times I have been answering E and gone into far too much detail - which actually has worked well each time because her eyes glaze over and she loses interest....lol.  More recently she has found out a little bit about graves and so on, but she is not bothered by the concept - maybe because we don't have one to visit?  As for the concept of cremation - we have not even been there and I hope we can leave that topic well alone for a long time to come.

Peace
EF.x



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veejay
September 2008 | veejay
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thanks E.F.

This is so true as you did I also woke up just recently sobbing like crazy and this was for my father.  The 1st year is coming up soon and I am a big mess underneath but you have given me somethings to think about and it may not hurt so much if I think of the good times. Last weekend I went down 130 klms to see mum we did not get a chance to go to the rose garden so on my way home I went alone and gave my Dad a goodnight kiss which did a little But once again very good article 

lol and hugs Veejay      



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thanks Veejay.  Grief is a bizarre thing.  It just hits you when you don't expect it.  I didn't even think I would remember the one year mark, but that day I couldn't think properly or function at all.  I had a follow-up interview in the morning for a school project for parents which I had taken part in and  which I just rambled through.  My lunch engagement and afternoon holiday activity with E I just cancelled.  Thankfully I had a friend staying with us that week and although she was heading home that evening she was wonderful all day long distracting me and keeping me on track when I needed to function and just letting me be rude and pathetic the rest of the day. 

Shall be thinking of you also with your first year mark coming up.

Peace
EF.x



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cazza
September 2008 | cazza
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thank you for sharing your story with us all, and yes everyone grieves diffrently, and its good for our children regardless of there gender that they are allowed to grieve in there own way...

xx cazza



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Permission to grieve in your own way is important as is understanding that there is a process that will be worked through. 

Peace
EF.x



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Amerlinwinga
September 2008 | Amerlinwinga
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thanks for sharing you story with us! This will help alot of parents including myself so thankyou again. Well written and well done.

Hugs Tee



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thanks Tee.  It is good to get it written out to be honest - it sure has helped me today!  It is like letting go or working through one more step or something on the road to 'recovery'/acceptance or wherever it is I am going....lol

Peace
EF.x



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Kellzacar
September 2008 | Kellzacar
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Hi EF,

Thanks for sharing your own personal story. This article will help many parents in the community . .

Cheers Kellz



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      exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Thanks Kellz.  I have been thinking on it for a whlie, but wasn't ready to write it out.  Then I felt OK about it so I thought I would do it all in one sitting.  Everyone responds to all situations differently, but somehow the differences in the way we react is more obvious when there is loss and grief involved. 

Being told that I 'should be over it by now' the other night really jolted me and I started thinking about the grief process and the journey I am on.  Wondering what may lie ahead of us as a family along that path as well as recognising how far we have come.  Some people don't react to loss at all and assume that those who do grieve are attention seeking.  Admittedly there are those who wont/dont/cant let go, but there are many other who do travel this path and different times of the year and dates on the calendar will inspire varying responses while time heals our hurt.

Peace
EF.x



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           Kellzacar
September 2008 | Kellzacar
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Hi honey,

Whom ever told you that you should be 'over it by now' really has NO IDEA on the true feelings of loss and mourning!! If that had of happened to be I think I would have blown a gasket . . . It's been 15 yrs since I lost my son and I am still not over it .  . . . . .

I truly believe that grief is a very personal thing and that each person handles it in their own way and that each person has their own healing time . . .

When I wrote my article on grief I found that it helped a little as I suspect that you found yours did too . . We each have our own paths to travel, some more bumpier than others . .

Cheers Kellz



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                exquisite-flower
September 2008 | exquisite-flower
Re: Working through loss/grief with your child

Oh I know.  I just stopped talking when they said that.  It really made me realise that this person whom I have confided in for the past year just doesnt listen to me at all.  Doesn't matter - am better off without people like that in my life as confidantes anyhow.

Peace
EF.x



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