Setting the scene:
In August 2007 my brother (PJ) passed away. He was a wheelchair user with MS. We visited irregularly, but as often as possible, and always when he was in hospital which was about couple of times a year. We saw him about 12
days before he passed away and took him out for a pub lunch where we ate chicken and he played the grab machines with E.
She loved her Uncle. Understood that he was unwell, but that he loved her and she always enjoyed going to see him. The last time we saw him at the pub she was so excited because he was in good health all in all.
Then one Tuesday we got a phone call saying to go see him. It was school summer holidays here in the UK so I said we would get the first bus over in the morning. Mum said, "No, go now". I was like "I can't, I have to speak at homegroup tonight." Then she started crying, I realised that this was serious and I needed to go. But how to get there at 7pm.
I was crying - I couldn't help it. Tears just rolled down my face. E couldn't understand it, Uncle PJ had been unwell before and I had not cried. In a quandray I said that he was very unwell and might die. She had a vague knowledge that this concept existed - she was 4 years old. So she accepted what I said, gave me cuddles and told me in all her wisdom that "It would all be OK Mummy" (Anything to get me to stop crying right!?!)
But she was right and we went over there to his house. We got there and spent the evening with him, he was in a coma and had been since the previous Saturday. While I waited for my parents to arrive I went in to see him and E stayed with the friend who had given us a lift. Later when my family arrived I came out and they spent some time with him. And we all were in there together. By about 10pm I took E in as well because we were certain that this was our last chance to say "Goodbye."
It was a poignant moment, but one that was special and beautiful in its own way. E and I came home, and later in the night my parents and brother joined us as there were no hotels available for them to book into at that time of night. We spent some time chatting and calling family in NZ finally getting E to bed and us soon after. In all honesty I didn't sleep that night. Each time I closed my eyes I would end up suddenly realising that my eyes were open again and I was just staring into space. By 4am I gave up and got up as did my Mum, we had a drink and a chat in the kitchen and then went to our places to lie down again for a while longer until it was really time to get up.
My family went home that Wednesday and it was the next night (Thursday) that he died. Now I really had to work out what to say to E. How much would/could she understand? I had no idea. PJ was young (ish) even to her eyes and so I was honest. We are a Christian family so we spoke a little of Heaven, but not much - I sure can't describe what it lossk like or what happens there.
We talked about the fact that he was no longer here, and on the day of the funeral we went to the funeral home to see the body and it was so lovely and nicely laid out that we even took her in with us to see him. In this instance it helped. She got the fact that this was his body but that his soul/spirit was not there any more, this was just his physical 'shell' and the man we loved and knew was now in heaven.
We did not talk about cremation or burial. He was cremated and his wife has the ashes to do with as she would/will. We have no headstone to visit, so we are very free to grieve him/remember him without having a specific point of reference to go to to do this.
Over the past year we have discussed heaven a few times, she is convinced that as a Professional Clown her Uncle is in heaven amusing Jesus and the angels with tricks, bad jokes and funny faces. Often she will see pictures of angels with wings and halos, or floating on clouds - even in cartoons or TV adverts - and she will say why do they do that. The only answer I can give is that this is a way to pictorialise heaven in the media for people to understand, but that noone really knows what it is like until they get there. It is the most honest I can be honestly having no real idea as to the proper answer.
On that first Saturday we had a school holiday art activity and we went to it, mainly because I needed some normality in our life and to do something we had been doing for weeks made sense. So along we went and this particular week the children were to look for inspiration in the garden, make sketches and they would make prints from what they saw. It was lovely when E turned to me and told me that this was Uncle PJ's heavenly garden. Where he now resided.
As time went on and we were home in school holidays and E was upset she would start to cry. When asked why "I am missing Uncle PJ" was her reply. I doubted this, but made no big deal of it, then one day I saw it happen. She was playing perfectly happily with two friends and suddenly she was sobbing. "I am missing Uncle PJ". OK I thought, this is freaking these kids out, they were slightly older, but had no concept really of grief and loss. I nearly panicked. What was I to do?? I didn't want these kids being adversely affected. I gave her some cuddles and reassured the children that she was ok, but that this was natural when someone you love dies. The other two accepted what I said and went off to play elsewhere, I went to their mother, explained what had happened in case there was further discussion later on and I took E home. We then 'made a deal' or an agreement. Neither of us would cry in front of other peole any more, we would just do it at home, and if we needed to go home '
Now Already!' then we would get the other person and let them know, and then we would come home to grieve in private.
As E started school a couple of weeks later this worked perfectly. Her teachers were aware, but even then she still 'saved her grief' until she was away from the other children, and usually home so we could share happy memories and look at photos of the fun times we had.
E's three memories:
1) He always said "I love you" to her.
2) I always held his hand as we walked along.
3) He always told bad jokes
Points to remember:
- 1) Be honest (less lies to remember)
- 2) Leave out extra detail (they can be filled in later on as necessary)
- 3) Answer any and all questions literally and plainly (deny the desire to elaborate)
- 4) Leave yourself scope to build on in the future (death is part of life, so it will come back again at some point with funeral cars or pets or plants or something)
- 5) It is not 'bad' or 'nasty'. It is a fact of existence and just something to be accepted like breathing and eating. It is not taboo (to be ignored/swept under the carpet) and it is not to be concentrated on/obsessed about.
- 6) It is OK to be sad, to remember the happy times and to talk about the person.
- 7) Everyone deals with loss and grief differently. Some need counselling, others need to talk or cry. It is a process to work through and to allow yourself and others to work through.
Most recently it has been me remembering him one year later and it hit me hard. I woke up one night sobbing my heart out. It was strange cuz I felt I had lost something, but I knew where it was. Then I realised that what I had lost was PJ. So while I am crying E wakes up and wonders what is going on. I said "nothing - go back to sleep" having resolved my feeling of loss and not wanting to disturb her. So she came and gave me a big hug and said "It will all be OK Mummy, Don't cry any more". So I told her I just missed Uncle PJ for a moment and that it was OK now, I knew where he was. She smiled in her understanding wise way, patted my arm finally letting me know that "He is in heaven Mama;" and something to the effect of "Dry your eyes now and go back to bed". I heard in her my own words coming back that I had used to her a year ago. The next morning she made sure I was happy and OK and not missing him any more. She has not referred to it again. I cried, that is it.
To Conclude:
If/when you need to talk to your child(ren) about loss and grief let them lead. Inform the school and if relevant any other adults they come into contact with in case they choose to tlak to them instead of you. Always be available to chat about it though, even if it tears you apart. You are your child's stable rock in a situation that seems uncertain and so need to provide them with that dealing with your own feelings and emotions later on.
At the same time you need to be honest and admit that you miss that person/pet as well. If you weep a weep and they are there that is ok - it is not about hiding your reaction to events, but to support them first and foremost through their journey. The way we behave affects our lives forever and we need wisdom and understanding of our children and family around us as well as awareness of our own needs.
It is no way near easy. It is too hard sometimes. We can only do our best in a sad circumstance. There is no magic formula (well that that I came across yet). Maintaining honesty and openness in your family relationships will go a long way to making sure you are there for each other and supporting each other through. Shutting people out isolates you and hurts everyone even more.
I pray that if this situation applies to you then you will find a way to communicate with those around you and that you will benefit somehow from our experience.
Peace
EF.x
(September 2008) (
