im setting this as the dad only because it’s a more usual occurance and I don’t want to upset anyone by making it sound like only dads do this but it will take me ages if I do it he/she and dad/mum.

 

The deadbeat

dad (or mum )is something we all know about, hes the guy that abandoned you while you were preg, or your kids when they were lil, the dad who refuses to pay child support and forgets birthdays and Christmas pretty much moving on with his life and forgetting that he ever had children.

Basically they provide no emotional, physical or mental support to mum or kids.

 

There is another story of the deadbeat…… the deadbeat who RETURNS, this is the man that no only abandoned his kids he walks back in and changes their lives yet again, sometimes this is for good reasons, sometimes its NOT.

 

Dealing with this can be heartbreaking and confusing.

Its hard enough to prepare a child for living their life without a dad, explaining why they don’t have one when in their tv shows , their books and all their friends have one and they don’t.

then to have their “dad” walk back into their lives when they don’t know him or having to explain why hes back or where he has been if they have never asked is heartbreaking.

 

dealing with raising a child/ children on your own is difficult but you adjust because you know your children are cared for and looked after, dealing with visitation when you never have been separated from your kids and not knowing if they are being looked after properly or if the “dad” knows what hes doing and HOW to look after them is TERRIFYING! Not knowing if he will walk away again is also a scary thing to think about and how your kids will cope and how you can pick up the pieces if that happens.

 

Also there is the thought that runs through your head that it IS a good thing that your child has the chance to have both parents to care about them and that you don’t want to rock the boat further and possibly have them miss that chance, also that he IS their dad and he does have a right to be a part of their lives.

 

My suggestion and this is only a suggestion is that if you have dealt with a deadbeat and you are unsure of his motives or his commitment to caring for his children is that you do NOT allow contact. Yes this sounds incredibly harsh but setting up mediation is often the best way in these cases.

 

By law the mother or legal parent of the child does not have to allow access without mediation or unless it is court ordered. This was advice I was given when my deadbeat ex threatened to take my child if I sought child support (which by the way is my legal obligation and his).

I would happily do mediation, with this my child best interests are thought of not my own feelings or his. There will be structure in the times that he would take my child and drop off so there is less worry and hassle and he would be assessed as to whether he was capable and if not would maybe be allowed supervised visitation instead of overnight visits in his home until things changed.

If the father or mother does not stick to the contract written up through mediation visitation can be terminated by the courts.

Also it shows commitment to the process and your childs best interests if the childs parents are willing to do mediation and sort it out through the proper channels, a person who doesn’t care to much and is only seeking visitation as a way to get to the other parent will likely give up through the visitation process.

again i know it all sounds rather harsh towards a parent who MAY be finally making an effort but to me protecting my child and making sure their welfare is taken of is the most important, if you allow visitation without mediation their is more risk that things will go wrong in some cases.